Have you ever wondered why you born into this world ? I often wonder this very question, ever since I can remember I have wanted to be successful yet success as always alluded me, actually many things in my life I have wanted and yearned for have somehow managed to totally stay out of my grasp no matter what I have done, and I am not talking just financially either although that would have been nice to have.
At age 18 I was already a branch manager for a successful brand due to my pc / programming skills, I had a great salary, I earned 15 x more than anyone my age and life was good, then through a silly mistake I lost it all and dropped to the bottom of the heap just before I became really successful, I changed careers and for the next 10 years I became and worked as a chef, my big break to work in a great hotel or restaurant never materialized though, so 10 years later I switched back to programming not a easy thing to do and left the failure behind me.
At age 21 I got married to a woman who I thought was awesome a year later and for the next 15 years I lived a life of hell with her, she would bang her head against the wall at night for no reason, or she would rip her clothing off in what seems like moments of madness, she never took a day to care for our daughter and then there were the other men and whatever else she got herself into to, sex was never great, I was never satisfied (granted I am a bit of a nymph) and oral sex was out of the question or anything adventurous, eventually I walked away after not sleeping in the same bed with her for 5 years and left another failure behind me.
I think I am a great Dad, I give everything I can to and for my kids but somehow its never good enough, I have never hurt them or treated them bad, I have only ever given my best yet I have a daughter who has not spoken to me in 5 years and I have two step kids who don't seem to respect or value me, would I say I am successful in this area of my life...NO it seems this to is doomed to failure
I have and amazing wife now, she has a good heart and is very kind, she is my everything, but alas like everything else in my life the cracks have started showing, financially we are battling, she will never touch me out of her own, oral sex is out of the question and it seems speaking to me like I am some kind of animal has become the order of the day, heck I think If I got a cup of coffee without asking the heavens would cave in, she does absolutely nothing for me yet I give everything of myself.
So where does this all leave me? I have failed careers, failed and failing marriages, failed at parenthood, as far as I look back its just failure, so I have gotten to the point now where I really do not care if I live or die, sometimes death is a welcome comforting thought, day after day I will just place one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward perhaps some day success will find me!
