An interesting write. NOTES: It could stand a bit of minor editing; some of the dialogue runs on a bit and seems superfluous to the advancement of the plot.

It's also rather long for a single post. I find readers tend to skim when the post is very long. That's why I'm posting my current WIP in short parts, trying to stay around 500 to 700 words per post. When I come to what I call "a breathing space," I break there and make that a part of that chapter to post. This method also helps you keep up with posting every day. If you're at all like me when writing, you may write 2 or 3 thousand words one day, then struggle to get a paragraph another day.