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I used to think trauma was something that only happened after terrible accident, heartbreak or life changing tragedy. But as I get older, I realized that trauma can come from things that we rarely talk about. It can come from being constantly disappointed, loosing someone you loved, betrayed by people you trusted.
The strange thing about it is that it doesn't announce itself. Sometimes it comes quietly, it shows up in a way you hesitate before trusting someone. It can even make you pull away from people who truly care about you because part of you is afraid of being hurt again.
Personally, there was a time I thought that if enough time passed, every painful memory would disappear, but recently life has taught me so many things. Some experiences leave marks that stays with us more than we expect. We move on, keep living, laugh again but somehow certain memories still find a way to visit when we least expect them.
Trauma can be exhausting. And most people don't know about that. Not because you are reliving the past, but because you're constantly carrying the lesson the pain taught you. I have a friend that had a failed relationship, her partner cheated and broke up with her, she was extremely hurt, and since then she has refused to be in another relationship for the fear of being hurt again. This is what trauma does, it makes someone to become more careful with their expectations or totally pull away from things they find interesting. They learn to protect their peace because they know what it feels like when it is taken away.
For a while I thought becoming dumb about things was a sign that someone had healed, but looking back I realized that it was not healing, it was fight for survival. When someone has been hurt enough, their hearts learn to feel less so that it could keep going.
I remember a period where I found it so difficult to trust people. Every new relationship felt like a risk, because past experiences had taught me that not everyone stays. But looking back now I can see how those experiences shaped me, but I'm learning that not everyone who enters my life is there to hurt me.
Ihave always believed that healing is still possible. We can heal by learning how to carry our scars and not allow our scars to carry us. There are still reasons to hope, reasons to smile, and opportunities to grow.
I am not fully healed .
But I am no longer where I used to be.
And for now that is enough.
It's 12:01 am here. Sleep tight
