How is it that marriage has become admired more for its length than its beauty. When did western marriage become an endurance contest? When did we accept that a relationship was more important than the PEOPLE involved?!
The ready-made excuses for continuing a failed relationship seem to be custom-made to keep the blinders in place:
• “We are doing it for the children” (as if modeling for our children a life of misery is a virtue)
• “I can't afford do leave, I don't have any job skills” (even if it were true, which it isn't, where is the self-respect for yourself AND your partner)
• “It’d be too humiliating to face the I-told-you-so’s” (how romantic – ‘I’m staying with you to prove those sons-of-bitches wrong, otherwise I’d be outa here’)
• “I can’t afford to lose my retirement and investments” (more romance – relationship decisions on the level of a new car purchase)
We find ourselves seemingly trapped in these irrational, soul-sucking choices not because people are asses. We are here because we accept the nonsense that still passes as reasonable assumptions for a modern marriage, and enshrined in every romantic movie, love song, and romance story, which continue to bank on the flood of 'new relationship energy'.
'New relationship energy' (NRE) is that overpowering, exciting, mind-blowing and mind-blanking energy that comes about when we first start into a romantic relationship. It’s great stuff, wonderful for starting things off with a bang in a new committed relationship, but it’s not so good for logically laying out the groundwork for something with staying power. When we are in its clutches we blindly accept all the assumptions society has laid out for us, including:
• Love is slavery, and when you marry me, I own you. This is what commitment is all about.
• The archaic phrase “Till death do us part” is actually completely rational and reasonable in our modern world of 50%+ divorce rate.
• The relationship IS the family, nothing is more important, and every member of the family must sacrifice themselves to it.
• Whomever endures the longest is the winner. Anyone else is a quitter and a failure.
None of this makes sense, but it’s surprising how few people question these assumptions. The result is a lot of unnecessary pain and confusion. I would like to submit some alternative assumptions that will allow for a committed, romantic, long-term, SANE relationship for today:
• Two self-respecting lovers will always stand in a place of “I don’t need you. I choose you, because I want you.” Anything less is degrading and disrespectful to the people involved and to the institution of marriage itself. “Needing” another puts a terrible burden on that other, and is degrading for everyone involved. You need water; you need air. When you lack either, you can become quite panicky and irrational. No one wants to be reduced to a commodity.
• Relationships exist to serve the people involved – not the other way around. The purpose of a committed relationship is for the growth and expansion of ALL of the parents and children. The only failed relationship is one where this growth and expansion stops.
• If it’s time for the partners to move on separately, this is NOT failure, and no crime has been committed. Embrace the lessons learned, prepare jointly for the continued growth and expansion of the children, and step into your next life lesson.
You may like these new assumptions, or you may prefer to create your own. The point is, don’t step into something as powerful and important as committed intimacy without having done your homework – and don’t wait until you’re in the throes of NRE to do it. The old ways have proven themselves as inadequate, and our intimate lives deserve at least the same care and attention that we put into our careers and our parenting.
These new assumptions needn’t end any particular relationship. They are a powerful place from which to launch a new relationship with a new person, but they are also a powerful place for an existing couple to shed the bullshit and come together as spiritually and emotionally mature adults and create a their own brand new relationship – one centered on mutual respect and freedom, one in which passion and joy can spring spontaneously, freed from the rusty, dusty chains of ancient, unexamined belief systems.
If you’d like to take a look more closely at how creating a new paradigm for intimacy can serve you, contact me here:
http://www.inannasanctuary.com .
Photo credit: Freyja Inanna