Getting a regular job really created a disconnect between my mindset and the reality of my life.

That's been the case for me ever since I started working. I've had a few jobs and I'm at the point now where I'm making more per hour, and working more hours, than ever before. Along with that has come more responsibility, but I'm still feeling more comfortable financially and more capable.

But back to what I started with. I have never been able to adjust to the reality vs what I think I want. My incessant urge to create is as much a desire as it is a passion. It's as much an addiction and an escape as it is a way to heal and thrive. I have adjusted to my work hours by getting rid of unproductive time-consuming habits like cartoons, movies, and video games. That is one benefit of working so much. I'm forced to reprioritize and cut out wasteful behaviors.

However, I spend the weekends catching up with life, and have very little time in which I feel free, totally free. I want to create. I often try to create. But the creativity isn't there most of the time because I have better things to do, but I don't feel like doing them because they never end and I've had enough. My life is shadowed by a near-constant frustration because of this. I want to do too many things. In my little bits of free time, I never know what I should do. I feel like I never get anywhere because when I spend a little time with all my passions/interests, I don't spend enough time to make progress in any of them. If I focus on one or two to actually get somewhere... I neglect the others. Either way I'm frustrated and feel that I'm not spending my time well.

What am I doing with my life? I have no fucking idea. I seem to go in circles until occasionally, I manage to create something. Then, I continue feeling just as obsessive, because even though I've succeeded, it's a rare occurrence and I cling tight to the temporary fulfillment/excitement it brings and don't want to let go when it fades.

It's a passion and an addiction. It distracts me from life. But it makes me more at peace with life to know that despite everything, I'm still creating things. And I can't get enough of it. I've sacrificed much of my social life to milk every minute of my free time so I can spin in circles every weekend and occasionally create something that I'll soon start to hate because I've obsessed over it so much I've killed its magic.

The thing is, I feel like if I didn't need to work, if I had plenty of free time, I'd find myself wasting it with those old unproductive habits that I have currently given up. I still wouldn't have much more creativity. I wouldn't have a job forcing me to live on a schedule with routine and discipline, so my chaotic nature would probably take over and fuck me up just as bad as working my ass off every week fucks me up. The chaos is a real problem on the weekends.

My life is a mess. I don't think this would change much if I had more time. I think I'm the problem.

I do meditate and I know it helps. But it takes time. I've been meditating daily for maybe 3 months. I can see changes have definitely occurred. And I can see many more deeper rooted problems that I still struggle with. And it's very hard to be patient with the process. I know things will keep getting better as I stick with the habit. I know my life is already great and I'm just too blind and confused to see it. I know the way I feel will pass soon... tomorrow I'll be at work again and I'll be too busy to let my mind get in my way. But the chaos will return again, and I'm tired of feeling like this over and over and over again. I don't know what to do.