written Dec 2018
A glimpse into the highest beauty
Has filled me with heavy fear of the painful truths of reality
So deep and ubiquitous, it’s almost intangible, weighs almost nothing
But always aching, reminding me how far I am in between
It would take so much to reach the light
I'm facing a wall I'm afraid to climb
I don't know how long I can put up that fight
I let myself fall to the gray illusion of safety night after night
I know one can only go one step at a time
But progress feels slow and it's easy to step back again
Maybe it will be worth it if I just keep trying
Each day I feel closer to crossing that line and diving in
I love my mind for its potential
I hate when I resist it and struggle
I resist every whisper that points me to the light
I doubt them; it's hard to commit to improvement over time
I look back on myself
Not that long ago
Back before I fell
I was so much closer to who I wanted to be
The world is dark, cold, demanding, unforgiving
It feels like everything conspires against me
Isn't winter a time to relax and reflect by the fire
Not to be filled with pain and have to push even harder?
I feel like I'm making no progress
When every day I battle the same monsters, impulses
When I deny them I feel just as depressed
When I give in to them I go nowhere, fast
I love myself for my potential
I hate myself for wasting it
I resist every whisper that points me to the light
I doubt them; it's hard to commit to improvement over time
Responsibility
I don't want any
But I look at where I am, and I can see
Because of who I am, it's calling me
We're all old, whiny babies, lost, cold, and hurting
And I think I've had enough of my crying and squirming
I'm going to take my chances at changing and learning
Erase and replace who I am, for change I am yearning
