I am 51 years old, and until last year, I walked around wearing the biggest, thickest, rosiest, rose colored glasses anyone had ever seen.
My therapist stated it was an accomplishment and clear statement concerning the work I had done to try to heal myself. As I sit and self reflect, I see a naive adult, living in denial of the ugliness of the world. A child like innocence that has been stolen by those we teach our children to trust.
At the beginning of this particular story, this moment in time, I did not understand that I was living with a covert narcissist that had been admitted to the psych. ward 10 times before I met him. These hospitalizations were not disclosed at any point during our interactions. I only learned of this after I gained the strength to leave this very abusive situation. It has made me question the expectations of disclosure. If I had known of these hospitalizations, would things have turned out differently? But then again, did my soul need these experiences for growth? An unanswered question that lingers.....
I also did not understand that the triangulation tactic was being used between myself and his two, female, married bosses. The business owner and her secretary. I came to understand that I was the scapegoat in this situation. Everything that was ever wrong in the life of my ex. and to some degree, his bosses, was my fault. It was my fault that they chose to pay him under the table, then when we split, he convinced them i would call the tax people on them. Accountants had to be hired. He convinced them I would call the housing permit people, because she often chooses not to pull permits and my ex. would fix the plumbing, run the electric, put up walls, etc., without proper procedure being followed. All of that, my fault. Not because I made those calls, I did not, nor would I. (i did think about it, I wont lie) It's my fault because they had to spend money to fix what they tried to scam in the first place.
He had an affair with one, and is currently in a relationship with the other. I revealed the affair, to the one he was having an affair with, behind my back. At all costs, the messenger must be destroyed.
This man had a daughter with his previous ex and refused communication with them. I was always told she was violent and would fight with me, so I never met her. I always kept a line of communication open with her, because of the daughter. A couple months after i left the ex, she contacted me with medical issues concerning their daughter. I explained the separation and as we slowly started opening up to each other, lie after lie after lie was revealed. The real reason the ex never wanted us to meet. His false stories to garner sympathy and favor would be discovered.
For two years he had lied to her and the state of Pennsylvania concerning his income. He stated $10.00 an hour, as he would brag to me that he made $25.00 an hour. I lived with him, the bills I knew of totaled less than $500.00 a month. The mother of his child worked a full time job and two part time jobs to make sure their child could participate with her friends in the many activities and events she should be able to participate in.
I told the mother the truth about his income, which resulted in him having to pay almost $300.00 more a month in child support. The mother could quit one of her part time jobs and spend more time with their daughter. Within one week of the courts decision, I was punished. In the cruelest of ways. Trust me, these last two paragraphs are a story within itself. It will be told, but not right now.
The conclusion, thus far, has been community ostracization. I fled the state of Texas in fear. Yep, I let the bullies have their so called "win". I have no job and a huge fear to get another one. A truck with no insurance. An implication that my records for my counseling had been compromised, so, a fear to continue counseling in my new location. I was told she would not stop until I was locked up, in jail or the psych ward, or dead. Everything I love would be taken from me, and she has succeeded somewhat. Or.... she revealed a bit of truth to me about those that claim friendship. It's all perspective. What do you choose to "see"?
Good Times Folks.
I say thus far when speaking of the conclusion, because this story is far from over. Several people have stated I could write a book, which leads to self reflection, for me at least, and the conclusion I come to is, what an amazing life I have had. I have no job, no saved money, a huge fear of social interaction and wow.... what an amazing, blessed life I have.
These people that are trying their best to break me, and in some moments i do feel broken, they have done nothing but forced me to find who i really am. They have forced me to face the darkest parts of me, and yes, I can be perceived by some as "not good enough", but guess what else I learned? Their judgment of not good enough, doesn't have a single thing to do with me. That is something they are choosing to hang onto. That is something within them they are struggling with and not yet able to face. So, they place their deepest fears on my back and try their best to prove their words to be true.
In the scheme of things on this planet, I am nothing. No status, no money, no great public accomplishments. Yet, I am everything. I am love and anger. In moments, i have been harsh and mean, lashing out in heartache and fear. But mostly, I am love, and encouragement, support for your endeavors. I see the beauty in you, as you steal my cat and shoot up my truck. Turn everyone against me. It still hurts, I miss my Salamander Jones: Kitty Porn Star Extraordinaire. He was handicapped. Could not climb trees or jump on the bed, and for a little while, it was thought he was a girl. So when I got him, I gave him a good, strong, macho type name to boost his ego. I think it helped. 馃槉 They stole him from me.
I will tell my story. It will help me heal, and hopefully help another, whether it be helping them to see they are not in a good situation and change is possible, or just knowing that someone else has experienced what you are dealing with.
Love is the answer. Along with truth, transparency, faith, hope, good intentions, honesty, integrity.... and so much more. Peace to you all.
