Forgive Me by Missy Higgins
from her 2007 album On A Clear Night

image source

Forgiveness.
It's a tough one - to forgive or not to forgive when someone has hurt you.

This song is really sad.

The music is sad, Missy Higgins' vocals are hauntingly beautiful and melancholic; but the lyrics particularly evoke some deep emotions in me. Clearly the story is of a man who has cheated on his wife and son. However he clearly regrets his actions and is seeking to rectify them and asking for forgiveness.

The Buddhist view on compassion would inspire us to forgive, knowing that it is natural human desire to make mistakes such as these, and the only people incapable of such mistakes are enlightened Buddhas... which most of us are not.

But I wonder if there is a line where forgiveness is no longer possible.

Oh my son look at what I've done
But I am learning still
Learning still
Know that I am learning still

And oh my wife you are my life
And I am burning still
Burning still
Know that I am burning for you still

And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home's anywhere you are to
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me

Oh my God how you make it hard
Not to pick the apple
Pick the apple
And Lord I long to give it back
And I was on shakey land
Lost and unsure I opened my hand
And she held it like sinking sand

And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home's anywhere you are to
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please

And all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home's anywhere you are to
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me

Forgive me
Forgive me

We always are free to make choices in every given moment. They may be inappropriate or they may benefit us, but they are always our choice, and ours alone.

Yes, familial and social conditioning can play a part in influencing how we think and behave; but there is still an authentic true nature within us that can transcend such conditioning. This is the basis of both Buddhist and Taoist practices stretching back two millennia.

This is something I've been working on for many years. It is still hard however, conditioning is SO easy to give in to, especially if that choice is going to fulfil a craving or sate a desire.

Here's the strategy I have in place:

1. I check in and ask myself what my intention is for making this choice. Intentions and purpose exist at a higher logical level in our consciousness, and this information is usually held in our Unconscious mind. I like to bypass my rational mind by doing something in an embodied manner. So, kinda like feeling the answer rather than thinking it.
2. I also consider all possible consequences of the choice. Now, I can't tell the future, so I'm not expecting to get everything here, but I can imagine possible consequences. I'm also not wanting to filter anything here, so it's all possibilities, whether good or bad. They may or may not actually happen, hence possible consequences.
3. I weigh up those consequences against my intentions. If they match, then I feel the choice is OK to make. But if they don't, if there is any doubt or any sense of a mis-match, then I have to re-consider my choice. In reconsidering, I go back to my intention. Because ultimately that is what I am really wanting.

Here's an example, based on the story of this song:

• I am attracted to another woman, and find myself in a context where I am to make a choice to be with her (and thus betray the trust of my partner), or not.

• Intention: I'm feeling unsure of the soundness of my relationship with my partner, as I am experiencing a period of low self-worth, and feeling attractive and being pursued for sex validates me.

• Consequences: I have great sex and feel awesome; I have great sex and feel guilty and shit; I have terrible sex and feel awkward and guilty; I don't have sex and wonder what might have been; I decide to share with my partner how I feel about our relationship and myself; etc.

The intention is really about the validation, driven by low self-esteem. Choosing to cheat on my partner is probably not going to fulfil the intention. So there may well be other actions I can take to do that, such as having an open and frank dialogue with my partner or seeking other assistance.

This process, with practice can take seconds. It involves using what Yogis call "witness consciousness" - the capacity to briefly separate oneself from oneself in order to observe who is acting in a moment - is it our true Self, or the conditioned Self?

I believe it's possible that people can genuinely regret their choices. That's why I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and forgive. For me, the harder it is to forgive is the signal that I need to try harder, as I recognise that something within me is resonating with the mistake and the desire to make amends.

What would you do?

Please feel free to share in the comments...

And enjoy the song!
😊🙏🏽☯️