Ulog #16
Date: June 1, 2018 (Late Post)
Title: Hanging By A Thread
I have nothing to write. Maybe I do, but I don't know what exactly or how to start it because a lot of things are going on. I am serious when I say a lot. I haven't done #ulogs in a week because I have to discriminate stuff so I can balance myself. My sanity included.
Let me just tell you how I feel at this moment and what are the things or stimulus I accommodate in my thoughts. I will open a window for you all to feel me a bit.
It's 12am and I'm on my bed. My thought is about me hanging on a thread. I cannot describe how I feel all the time but considering my illness, it always feels like I'm hanging and holding on to a thread. I'm not steady, I swing that thread, I swing with it. Because everytime I swing I find another small thread I can hold on to and I bind these threads together making me a rope.
This rope are the people that give me reasons to hang on. I have been so blessed with people. It seems like every person I meet has a purpose in my life. I don't have a lot of friends but I have a team of all the people I need to get me through life, always.
Life has always been difficult. It was never smooth nor a bed of roses for me. When people talk of having gone through hell, I always say I've been there and back and back again and again ten times. Sometimes, it even feels like it's beyond hell, like it's worse and hell doesn't even come close. But I always know I don't belong there and I always search for the light in everything.
When I don't see the light, I make it. I know in my heart I can make it. I believe I can. When you know how to count how blessed you are and when you have an unceasing faith, you can. You will be guided to be exactly where you should be and be with the people whom you should be with.
I'm grateful of the people in my team right now. This is a tough episode in my life but I've got all the people I need to hold on strong to the rope. They are my Earth Angels, my lucky charms, my heroes, my reasons for living. I don't think of falling because I don't feel the rope breaking. I see each thread holding me tight, believing in me and they are being strong for me, too. The universe knows how much I treasure and love you all, you will know it.
Image Source: Pixabay
What a coincidence, my music player just played Man on a Wire by Script. I love that band and that song seems appropriate to the hanging on theme I am writing about, but the guy in it was walking on tightrope not hanging by it. Let me make my thumbnail for this ulog inspired by that because that looks cool, so this won't be too dramatic and boring.
It's 1am. I can't believe it took me an hour to make this #ulog. Something is telling me to open the bible tonight and it got me to Psalm 143. I have a bible given to me by a stranger named Stephen. I don't even know his last name but he was African-Canadian, he would visit me in the dialysis center to pray for me. He would sometimes give me bread and bring me coffee. We never talked much, we just agreed on praying together because he was always there to visit the children's ICU. To be honest, I don't know how he found me, I no longer recall. But I recall people told me he was insane but never did I believe that. I saw him walking under the rain and I thought he had no umbrella so I bought him one but I never saw him again. He went to the center to tell the nurses to tell me he will be gone and back to Canada and left me with a bible and nothing more. No email or number or anything.
He probably visited me 3-5 times to pray with me while I was hooked up to the machine. In one of those meetings he told me if I wanted to pray and I said sure since that's what we always do. We never talked about his religion or mine. But we both believe in God and that's it. He said it was a different kind of prayer, I needed to close my eyes and just concentrate and feel the things I wanna feel. I was thinking, okay, he wants me to meditate. He prayed for 15 minutes perhaps and that was nothing to me since I'm just sitting there for 4 hours anyway.
That encounter was amazing. He asked me what I saw in my mind. Yes, I saw things and I told him about some of it. I told him what I saw in the beginning and he had supplied the rest as if he saw the same as I. I asked him why did he know and what was that about. He just told me, Karen you are his child and he loves you so much to let you see the things you saw. I may never see Stephen again because I really have no idea about him other than his name is Stephen but even with meeting strangers, I am so blessed.
I never expected to make a long #ulog but here is Psalm of David from Psalm 143:
1 Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]
7 Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Pray. It gives us a good night.
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