I'm writing this now from a pretty bad place, I mean mentally bad. I know I've been gone for a few weeks, but it's just because my life got a little busy. I'm not sure where I left off, I could go back through my old posts but I'm really not in the mood. Writing is the only thing that helps when I'm like this so please excuse me if I'm overemotional tonight.
So I guess I should catch you all up a bit. I still live with my ex, but he's told me he's going to start seeing (having sex) with other girls. He hasn't done it just yet but I wanted to beat him to it. I had a guy over. About 2 weeks ago everyone was out of the house and I was a little tipsy. I'd been speaking to this guy for ages and decided to finally invite him over. He came over and we watched movies for about 5 hours. He didn't make a move but we were constantly talking throughout the night. 1 am comes around and my roommate and my ex come home... I wasn't expecting them home. My ex didn't know I was having a guy over and so he decides to come sit on the couch and watch the end of the movie with us. WHILST he was drunk. It got very awkward very fast and within half an hour this other guy decided to leave. As he was leaving he said he had a good time and that we should do it again, I never received a call or text from him after that night. It's not the first time I've been rejected and I doubt it'll be the last but honestly it made me feel like crap. I didn't feel good enough, I still don't feel good enough for anyone. I'm trying to meet guys but it's difficult because they have such high expectations that I just can't live up too.
I guess another thing that I'm not too happy about is the feeling of being used. I feel like everyone treats me as if I'm toilet paper, good for one use and then down the toilet it goes. I lost a friend a few years ago because we got into an argument. I'd been there for her through a lot and these other girls who'd 'abandoned' her had finally decided to reappear in her life. Once she got them back I was nothing and she cast me aside. The same thing happened recently. My ex and I stayed good friends after the breakup but whilst we were together boy, he went through some shit. His 'best friend' from high school completely ditched him for about 8 months and took all of his other friends away with him. I was there for him every step of the way. But now, 8 months on, these other friends have decided to come back. Which leaves me by myself again. I just feel used. I feel like at work because the other ladies are my mothers age they boss me around and treat me like THEIR own child. I just feel stuck in a neverending cycle that I can't get out of.
My best friend is off to Uni tomorrow in England. And it makes me think, what am I doing with my life? I'm in a dead end job, being yelled at by my ex everytime I step through the front door, and I have 0 friends here, plus no guy wants to date me. I can't seem to find any positives and yeah it might be because I'm having one of those bad nights that I'm sure a lot of people with depression have, but FUCK! It's so hard to see any light at the end of this god damn tunnel.
It's getting late here in Australia. I better sign off before I make a fool of myself if I haven't already.
Until next time,
Meliss
