I consider myself a rebel. I purposely want to do things in a different way. It has also made me who I am. It has been the driving force to finding out what really works in life and what doesn't, regardless of social conventions. It has been a driving force to pursuing the quest for truth and meaning with vigor and courage.
In the past this kind of behavior hasn't always been to my advantage. Rebellion is always criticism of the status quo. The vast majority feels threatened when they're confronted with criticism. It's a "face-threatening act". The result can be resistance or even anger. I experienced it countless times. It's an art to criticize in a way that criticism is accepted. I digress. At times it almost seems like an obsession of mine to go the other way. But does it really serve my purpose in life? Isn't there a simpler and easier way to fulfill my mission?
I was at a workshop yesterday. This time as a participant. When I teach I love constructive criticism. It shows that people take part and engage in critical thinking. It shows that they are growing as a person. Yesterday, however, when I uttered criticism, I felt uncomfortable. I felt a knot in my stomach. And I asked my self why? Let me connect the dots. My chain of thoughts might seem arbitrary and erratic. Just wait for it. It'll make sense in the end.
Whenever I hear the clock ticking I feel annoyed. Whenever I hear the church bell ringing I feel annoyed. Whenever I hear someone opening the door in the morning while I'm resting I feel annoyed. There's this instant reaction of "Annoying!". Where does it come from? I meditated deeply upon this question and I found the answer. As usual the root of this conditioning had to be traced back to my childhood. And it connects with my aversion towards authority.
Growing up I was forced to do things I didn't want to do. I guess we can all relate to that. Nothing unusual or spectacular so far. Besides, this is a necessary part of childhood and adolescence. At the beginning of a life's journey you need guidelines. It gets tricky though once the aimless child turns into a critical thinking adolescent. Rules are not blindly accepted and followed anymore, but they need to be negotiated to some extend. And this is why so many parents struggle with their children when they hit puberty.
I remember countless arguments with my mother over keeping my room in order. "Do it now!", I hear say. "Why do I need to do it now? It's my room, nobody else but me has to cope with the mess! I do it later when I'm done reading!", I would reply. "No, do it now! Why do you never do what I tell you to do!?". There was one thought popping up in my head: "Annoying!".
I heard the door open without announcement. "Did you do the groceries yet?", it was the same annoying voice. "I'm busy drawing. I'll do it later."- "No, do it now! Why do you never do what I tell you to do?!". And once again I swallowed, obeyed silently and thought: "Annoying!".
I remember lying on my bed, just resting before I had to go to school (yes, another annoying obligation I didn't choose to take on me). The door opened again. "Did you take the trash out?", she asked. "Not yet, I will do it when I go to school", I replied. "No, do it now!". I sensed anger and frustration arising and I felt a knot in my stomach. "I have plenty of time still! I will do it when I want!" - "Do it now! Why do you never do what I tell you to do?!", I heard her say once again. And she slammed the door. The church bell rang outside. Annoying!!!
It becomes clearer and clearer how my conditioning regarding authority developed. And as an act of rebellion I developed the habit of procrastination. "I do it when I want!" I remember myself yelling. It has been a major obstacle for me and my well-being. I had to learn to let go of this obsessive act of rebellion. Often it was a disservice to myself and to others.
There are several lessons to draw from all of this: First, it is pivotal to know the roots of a certain conditioning that is hindering you from accessing your full potential. But that's only the first step. Make peace with what caused the conditioning. Be understanding. Every mother does her best to raise her children. Sometimes with limited awareness, sometimes with limited knowledge about communication and the art of negotiation. Be thankful. She did her best within her possibilities. Be grateful. After all, your past made you who you are. But it's time to move on and let go of the story that has been holding you back. Only then can you write a new one you desire and you deserve to live.
A major key to communicating effectively is found in the art of negotiation. Whenever I want somebody else to do something, I ask for her needs first. What's your take on this? What did you observe? What do you need? It's crucial to establishing a human connection and to creating the feeling of being understood and appreciated. It's the foundation for collaboration on any level, albeit in a work environment or amongst family members. When this first connection is established you can first talk about your observation in a neutral way in reference to her observations and conclude. You can then ask whether she agrees to the proposed terms to take care of a certain task within a certain timeframe. Always be open to suggestions! People generally support what they create. If you want people to do something, make sure they have a saying in the process. Result: They will do it with joy and motivation.
I make sure I observe my relationship with authority closely. Shedding light on the root cause and making peace with it are the first important steps to getting rid of the shackles of the past. However, it requires constant attention, observation and meditation to take care of the left-overs. Habit is a bitch and without vigilance and discipline it can easily reel you back in.
What's your relationship with authority?
How does your relationship with authority serve you?
