Wives also have a serious responsibility in
marriage. God has called each wife to be
“a helper” [ezer] for her husband (Gen.
2:18). An ezer (ay’-zer) is one who gives
help, assistance or aid to meet another
person’s needs. This role does not imply
inferiority on the part of the one who
helps, because the same word is used of
God in describing His gracious assistance
to those He loves (see Gen. 49:25; Ps.
33;20). In fact, a wife could not be a
helper unless she had something that her
husband lacked.
In Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Paul reaffirms
God’s design for a wife’s role in marriage
and provides compelling reasons to honor
it:
Wives, submit [hupotasso] to your
husbands as to the Lord. For the husband
is the head of the wife as Christ is the
head of the church, his body, of which he
is the Savior. Now as the church submits
[hupotasso] to Christ, so also wives
should submit [hupotasso] to their
husbands in everything. . . . And the wife
must respect [phobeo] her husband.
By comparing a wife’s submission to her
husband with the church’s submission to
Christ, Paul makes it clear that this is not
a temporary cultural concession (cf. 1 Cor.
11:3). To argue that times have changed
and that a wife should no longer submit
to her husband is also to argue that the
church may no longer need to submit to
her Savior. This is a dangerous argument
indeed!
The Bible’s teaching on marital submission
has been fervently attacked in recent
years; therefore, it is important to look
carefully at this issue in order to
confidently determine what God has to
say about it. One way to do this is to
study three key words relating to the
husband-wife relationship and to see how
they are used elsewhere in the Bible.
Hupotasso (hoop-o-tass’-oh) is a military
term meaning to rank under (literally,
“under an orderly arrangement”). Thus, it
means to obey, to submit, to subordinate,
or to subject oneself. Hupotasso is used
to describe numerous biblical authority
structures, including:
Jesus to his parents (Luke 2:51)
Jesus to his Father (1 Cor. 15:58)
Believers to God (Rom. 10:3; Heb. 12:9;
Jas. 4:7)
The human mind to God (Rom. 8:7)
Angels, authorities, and powers to God (1
Pet. 3:22)
Demons to the disciples (Luke 10:17, 20)
Christians to church leaders (1 Co. 16:16)
Christians to one another (Eph. 5:21)
Young men to their elders (1 Pet. 5:5)
Wives to husbands (Eph. 5:22, 24; Col.
3:18; Tit. 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1, 5)
Citizens to civil authorities (Rom. 13:1, 5;
Tit. 3:1; 1 Pet. 2:13)
Phobeo (fob-eh’-o) means “to show
reverential fear.” This word is likewise
used to describe numerous relationships
found in the Bible, including:
Herod to John the Baptist (Mark 6:20)
People to God (Acts 10:2, 22; 13:16, 26;
Col. 3:22; 1 Pet. 2:17)
Wives to husbands (Eph. 5:33)
At this point, I will introduce a third key
word. In 1 Peter 3:5-6, Peter describes
the kind of woman whom God calls
“holy”:
The holy women of the past . . . were
submissive [hupotasso] to their own
husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed
[hupakouo] Abraham and called him her
master. You are her daughters if you do
what is right and do not give way to fear.
Hupakouo (hoop-a-koo’-oh) means to
listen attentively, to heed or conform to a
command or authority, or to be obedient
to. This word is also used in describing
biblical structures of authority, including:
Christians to the gospel (Rom. 10:16)
Christians to the apostles’ teaching (Rom.
6:17; Phil. 2:12)
Abraham to God (Heb. 11:8)
Sarah to Abraham (1 Pet. 3:6)
Children to parents (Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20)
All of these authority relationships were
established and blessed by God himself,
and there is no indication in the Bible that
He intends for any of them to change
while the present world exists. Nor is
there any indication that the biblical
design for these relationships is somehow
deficient and in need of
“improvement” (no matter how much the
world tries to convince us otherwise).
Furthermore, no fundamental distinctions
can be drawn between these relationships
that would justify changing one while
leaving the others intact. Thus, to argue
that wives are no longer under their
husband’s authority and have evolved into
a “50/50” partnership (as is sometimes
suggested) is also to argue that all of
these relationships can, have, or should
“evolve.” Remember R. C. Sproul’s
warning of “cosmic treason”!
Why has there been such an attack on the
traditional marriage structure? Why has
the word “submission” taken such a
beating in recent years? One obvious
reason is that husbands have often failed
to love their wives as God commands. In
addition, wives have recently had the
opportunity to resist as never before, due
to their increasing financial and legal
independence. Third, our culture has
changed dramatically in the past few
decades. As a result, through the mass
media, teachings contrary to Scripture
have been given the appearance of
respectability and have been zealously
propagated (cf. 1 Tim. 4:1-2; 2 Tim.
4:3-4). When God’s word clashes with
these changes, many people argue that it
is the Bible that should change, not
society.
There is a deeper answer to these
questions, however, and in order to find
it we must turn to the third chapter of
the Bible. Verses 1-13 in Genesis 3 record
man’s fall into sin through rebellion
against God’s authority. In verses 14-19,
God pronounces the consequences of this
treason. Essentially, He removes the joy
and blessing from what had initially been
good arrangements. The serpent had
always crawled on its belly, but now that
form of motivation would become
detestable (v. 14). Man had been created
to work the earth, but that labor would
now be painful and unpleasant (vv.
17-19). Woman had been created to find
joy and fulfillment as a helper to her
husband; verse 16 describes how the Fall
distorted that design:
“Your desire will be for your husband, and
he will rule over you.”
While the last five words bode ill, the first
part of this pronouncement appears to be
positive–isn’t it good for a woman to
desire her husband? Not in the way it is
worded here. The phrase “your desire will
be for” is used elsewhere in the Bible to
describe an unhealthy and destructive
desire to control. We see this in Genesis
4:7, where God is warning Cain against
doing evil to his brother:
“But if you do not do what is right, sin is
crouching at your door; it desires to have
you, but you must master it” (emphasis
added).
From the context of Genesis 3:1-13,
where God is pronouncing curses rather
than blessings, we can see that the desire
mentioned here is not benevolent and
healthy; rather it is a compelling urge to
control, to dominate, and to master. That
is the effect the Fall has had on wives–
the joy and blessing they would have
derived from submission within the
authority structure of marriage
(established by God before the Fall; Gen.
2:18) has been replaced by an innate
desire to control and dominate their
husbands. This is why wives so easily
chafe under authority, even when
husbands exercise it in a legitimate way–
as a result of the Fall, submission has
become distasteful, not just in marriage,
but in all authority structures (just ask
your children!). This is why Scripture
repeatedly reminds and exhorts those
under authority (citizens, members of
churches, wives, and children) to
overcome their tendency to rebel against
it.
Genesis 3:16 also teaches that the Fall
has tarnished the husband’s use of
authority and the blessing he was meant
to derive from it. Instead of the loving
leadership contemplated in the creation
design (see Gen. 2:18-25), the husband
would be inclined to shirk his
responsibilities and abuse his authority.
In addition, he would no longer naturally
accept the counsel and advice his wife
gives to him as his helper. This is why
men easily resent their wives’ questions
and advice, even when it is offered with a
pure heart and in a respectful way–as a
result of the Fall, the responsibility of
leadership has become distorted and
burdensome. This is why the Scriptures
repeatedly warn those in authority not to
abuse their role or to neglect their duties.
As discouraging as this news is, there is a
bright side to the picture. Since God
established the marriage structure before
the Fall and designed it to be good, with
His help we can still redeem much of the
joy and blessing He intended it to
produce. Through faith in Christ,
individually and as married couples we
can become “new creations” (2 Cor.
5:17). By God’s grace, husbands and
wives can be “renewed in knowledge in
the image of [their] Creator” (Col. 3:10)
and make great progress at learning how
to fulfill their roles properly and thus
recapture much of the joy and blessing
that marriage was designed to produce.
When husbands learn to love their wives
in the way God intended and wives learn
to respect their husbands in the way God
intended, marriage becomes a place of
marvelous joy, peace, security and
fulfillment.
We saw earlier how husbands should love
their wives. We will now look at what it
means for wives to respect and submit to
their husbands. First, as indicated in
Ephesians 5:22, God wants wives to
submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.”
Out of love and reverence for Christ, a
wife should respect and cooperate with
her husband as he seeks to lead their
family in service to God. As his helper,
she should be as diligent about seeing to
his needs as he should be to hers. This
help and cooperation should be done
wholeheartedly and without grumbling,
just as it would be given to Christ himself.
Thus, rather than suppressing her gifts
and talents, a wife should be using them
to their fullest, for the benefit of God, her
husband, and her children. Doing so will
not only bring her personal fulfillment;
normally, it will also encourage her
husband to love, praise, and serve her
more diligently as well (see Prov.
31:10-31).
There are many situations where a
husband is selfish, unreasonable, and
hypocritical. This alone does not release a
wife from her responsibility to respect
and submit to him. One of the Bible’s
most explicit teachings on respect for
authority occurs in Matthew 23:1-3,
which says:
Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his
disciples: “The teachers of the law and
the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you
must obey them and do everything they
tell you. But do not do what they do, for
they do not practice what they preach.”
This passage warns us not to confuse
position with personality. Even if we do
not care for the way someone in
authority behaves, that alone does not
justify disobedience. (Imagine throwing a
traffic ticket back in the face of a rude
policeman–you would soon be answering
to an even higher authority!) When God
places people in a position of authority,
He expects us to obey them unless there
is a valid reason not to do so.
There is a time, however, when a wife
may properly refuse to submit to her
husband. The phrase “submit . . . in
everything” (v. 24) must be read in the
context of the entire Bible. God himself
has established all legitimate forms of
authority (Rom. 13:1), and he delegates
to certain people specific areas of
authority (e.g., government over civil
relationships, parents over children).
Since God himself cannot sin, he has not
delegated to anyone the authority to
command someone else to sin. Thus, if a
husband instructs his wife to do
something that contradicts the clear
teaching of Scripture, she may properly
refuse to obey, saying, “God has not
given you authority to command me to do
that” (see Acts 4:19-20; 5:27-32).
Although such obedience to God may
result in unpleasant worldly
consequences, God himself will ultimately
judge anyone who abuses his authority in
this way (see 2 Sam. 12:9-14; cf. Dan.
3:1-30).
In reality, most clashes over authority do
not involve commandments to sin;
rather, they usually arise over questions
of expediency, when a wife’s idea of what
is best clashes with her husband’s idea of
what is best. In such cases, a wife
certainly has the right–in fact the
responsibility as her husband’s helper–to
speak her mind in a constructive manner
and to be as persuasive as possible in
presenting her concerns, opinions, and
advice. In doing so, she should avoid
nagging and arguing, which will only
entrench most men. She should try to
discern the real issues and needs in the
situation and offer creative ways to meet
them. The more graciously and wisely she
speaks, the more likely she is to be heard
(see Eph. 4:29; Col. 4:6). If doing this
does not bring about an agreement
between her and her husband, however,
and if his decision will not require her to
sin, she should submit to his authority
and responsibility to lead the family. If his
decision is wrong, he is the one who will
eventually answer to God for it.
Many women will outwardly submit in
such situations, but inwardly they do it
grudgingly and with resentment, which
hardly qualifies as submission “as to the
Lord.” Certainly, there will be some
decisions that a wife so strongly opposes
that she cannot, in good conscience
before God, actively support them. Mere
disagreement or disapproval, however, do
not justify a lack of support. Thus, “out of
reverence for Christ,” a wife should make
every effort possible to get behind her
husband’s decisions and to
wholeheartedly support his efforts to
accomplish legitimate goals, even when
they aren’t the goals she prefers (see
Jesus’ example in Luke 22:42). This kind
of support is certainly what she would like
from him when her preferences prevail
and he is not overly enthused about them
(see Matt. 7:12).
Unfortunately, there are some husbands
who persistently abuse their authority,
either by neglecting their wives, failing to
meet their needs, or by physically or
emotionally mistreating them. To protect
wives from such abuse, God has instituted
two forms of authority over husbands.
First, in Matthew 18:15-20, God has
established a procedure whereby a wife
may confront a Christian husband who is
behaving sinfully. Such confrontation
begins at a personal level, and may
ultimately involve the authorities of the
church if the husband does not repent. If
this procedure were used more often,
many husbands would choose to change
their behavior.
If a husband refuses to heed the
discipline of the church, and if his conduct
violates civil laws (e.g., wife or child
abuse), a wife may legitimately turn to
the civil authorities and ask them to
intervene. As Romans 13 indicates, civil
authorities are instituted by God to
punish those who do wrong, and a wife
may certainly turn to them in appropriate
cases.
Although these authorities may help to
change a difficult marriage, there are
some situations that cannot be resolved
by church discipline or civil intervention
(e.g., when no crime is being committed,
when a husband does not attend or
respect a church, or when the church
refuses to get involved). In such cases, a
wife may seek assistance from another
person who has authority or persuasion
with regard to her husband, such as an
employer, a relative, or a close friend.
When no such help is available, a wife
may be stuck, for a while, with a self-
centered husband who uses his authority
to indulge himself. As the Bible teaches,
however, abuse of authority alone does
not justify divorce. In 1 Peter 3:1-6,
Peter addresses wives who are married to
difficult husbands. When he says, “Wives
in the same way be submissive to your
husbands” (emphasis added), he is
referring back to the mistreatment
described in chapter 2, verses 13-25.
Thus, he is encouraging wives in difficult
situations to follow Christ’s example of
reverent submission:
To this you were called, because Christ
suffered for you, leaving you an example,
that you should follow in his steps. “He
committed no sin, and no deceit was
found in his mouth.” [i.e., he did not
deserve such treatment.] When they
hurled their insults at him, he did not
retaliate; when he suffered he made no
threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to
him who judges justly (1 Pet. 2:21-23).
This passage sets forth the foundation for
godly submission, especially in difficult
circumstances; that foundation is
confidence in the sovereignty of God.
Jesus submitted to the Father and
endured unjust treatment because He
trusted that God was ultimately in control
of everything that would happen to Him.
Jesus knew that God would eventually
judge those who did wrong (v. 23; cf.
Prov. 16:5; Rom. 12:19), and that He
would use even painful events to advance
His kingdom and bless others (see Acts
2:22-24).
A wife living with a difficult husband can
have the same kind of confidence. God
promises to work everything in her life
for her good, which primarily involves
conforming her to the likeness of Christ
(see Rom. 8:28-29). Although she may
have to endure an unpleasant and
disappointing relationship with her
husband for a time, God will support,
strengthen and encourage her in His own
perfect way (see Ps. 37; 1 Cor. 10:13).
Knowing that God is more powerful than
her stubborn hus-band, a wife can trust
that God will ultimately deal with all
injustice. She can also have confidence
that through her situation God will help
her to grow (see Acts 5:41; Phil. 1:29;
3:10; Heb. 12:1-13; Jas. 1:2-4); to bring
encouragement to others (2 Cor. 1:6);
and, perhaps, to play a role in bringing
about dramatic changes in her husband
(see 1 Pet. 3:15-16), “for nothing is
impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).
Obviously, God can do the same thing for
a husband who is married to a difficult
wife.
Fortunately, even difficult people and
unhappy marriages can change
dramatically with God’s help. The
principles He has established for marriage
generally produce positive results when
they are applied faithfully and
wholeheartedly. Husbands who love their
wives “as Christ loved the church” will
usually see their wives grow to be more
loving, trusting, and respectful. Wives who
help their husbands and submit to them
“as to the Lord” will usually see their
husbands become more selfless,
thoughtful, and considerate leaders. For
this reason, each spouse should make it
his or her goal to behave in a way that
will make the other’s task easier. With
God’s help, this process can turn into a
wonderful spiral (not always according to
our schedule or free from setbacks,
however!). As both husband and wife
seek to imitate God by walking in love in
their relationship, they can capture the
joy, intimacy, fulfillment, and security that
marriage is meant to produce.
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