My Steem account has turned to a place to record my dreams. I keep a dream journal besides my bed and write as soon as I can any details that I can remember but sometimes I go directly to Steem while it is fresh and then transcribe it to the journal afterwards.
I woke up because the dogs were barking and I noticed that my cheeks were wet. I felt my eyes and they were moist and felt raw.
It seems I was crying in my sleep. I felt some pain and needed to have it released. I tried hard to remember specific details but at first nothing came to mind.
It took some effort but eventually the scenarios slowly started filling in.
I was in an office. I was talking to someone, I could not remember if it was male or female. All I could remember was the voice was soothing as we talked about my life and triggers.
It was important to do that as it was a vital step to my healing. I was opening up to this person. Things that I locked inside my heart. Things like what I wrote her about my suicide ideation, my dreams and a lot of regrets. I lived a lie where I said I will be the person that will live my life without regrets and to a certain point it was like that but the tipping point was my regret. I second guess myself now because of that event. The day that I felt betrayed. How my words imploring for kindness was met with apathy and silence.
It changed me and I catch myself blaming me for what happened. I could have done better.
One the takeaways of that session that it was time to forgive myself, to not feel that I am worthless.
I woke up then because of the dogs and when I picked my phone and checked LinkedIn it seems that a recent post I had about employee happiness is tied to making the workplace safe and without fear of reprisal if feedback is given.
It was the root of my perceived betrayal. I posted it about yesterday and now when I work up the first person that liked it was my former boss who I felt betrayed me a bit. I somehow did not remove her in LinkedIn in like I removed her form my social media accounts.
I removed everyone from there. I wanted to remove my memory of that place except the people that I still consider my friends there.
I was surprised.
I will have a new doctor and I will be meeting her next week. It will be a whole new session and so I'm excited but nervous in the same time.
I am hoping we will have a good session.
