I feel fantastic today. These have been 19 of the most healthy and productive days in my life. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt so energetic and motivated. It wasn’t always this way however.
Copes Aren’t Self-Care
I used to joke about using alcohol to self medicate. There’s also a running joke in our family that when you’re in a bad mood, a couple alcoholic drinks results in an ‘attitude adjustment’. It seems like an innocent inside joke and I’m sure nothing more than that is intended. However, it’s very symbolic of how folks in my family care for themselves…and me in particular.
I feel like I’ve had a fear of caring for myself for a long time. The things I would default to as self-care were actually copes for other issues in my life. Alcohol, smoking, unhealthy food, video games, gambling, and a host of other bad habits were a way to distract my mind or cover for major issues I wasn’t willing to address. Financial issues, professional path issues, relationship issues, health issues, etc. were all buried behind a wall of bourbon, smoke, fried food, and all-night zombie sessions in front of the computer or television.
The awful thing is I would lie to myself and say that I was caring for myself by engaging in these behaviors. And then after a while, I would cast them off because I realized it made me feel worse. Only to return to them the next time something got difficult in my life. The cycle would repeat every few months. There would be breaks where I tried to quit cigarettes, diet, swear off late-night movie binges, etc. They never stuck though because I wasn’t addressing the underlying issue. I was addressing the symptoms. All the while, the real issue was that I wasn’t happy with who I was and how I was living.
Self-Care is Self-Love
I often stayed away from things like massages. For some reason I felt like they were a waste of money. Probably because I was worried it would eat into my budget for those other vices I mistook for appreciating myself. A massage was something that weird people do. Who would want some stranger’s hands all over them? Well luckily, I have a wife that lives in the moment and has experienced a lot that I haven’t. And to her credit, a lot of the changes in my life are due at least in part to her because of how she inspires me to step outside of my comfort zone.
Today I was able to get a massage and it was very much needed. Weeks of walking 3-5 miles in the morning and then laboring on the property was getting to me. I had a tightness in my neck that pulled down into my shoulder. And I was having pins and needles in my fingers when I laid on that side at night. As of right now, my physical body feels completely renewed and relaxed.
The wear and tear on your body and soul never ceases. Buddhists believe that physical life has mostly to do with enduring suffering. And the decisions you make should be from a place of reducing suffering whenever possible. The massage today reduced my suffering. It also energized me to take on the suffering I may need to endure tomorrow and each day thereafter. That is a gift of love to yourself. The ability to take on the uncertain future from a place of strength and preparedness.
There are countless other examples of self-care and I will touch on them in future writings. But for now, I will no longer think of copes or diversions as coming from a place of love. They may come from a place of exploration, at best. Once they become a habit, they are more than likely defense mechanisms or copes and no longer serve a positive purpose in my life.
Day 20 incoming! Holy s#!t that’s 66.667% of the way done.
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