Talking about fear, I think I really did have something to write about, and it's obvious I overcame it.
I once experienced something that kind of out my life on a pause, believe me it was a very trying time for me. It tested everything in me, even my faith/trust in God. So, after I got better, I feared something, and it was the fear of having my body fail me again. Each time I sleep and wakeup and feel a little bit different, I do wonder if my body is about to experience another series of injections, drugs, pills, surgeries and all. And those old memories of all these things will keep rushing back.
I think you will be able to imagine what living like that does feels like. I had to live like I'm fine too, I help when I can, I work, I smile, I play and all, but in the deepest of my heart remains the fear of waking up one day and finding out that I can no longer do certain things, that my body has failed me. And for that, I tried distancing myself from people, I try not to attach too much importance or put my heart into certain things that I do.
And believe me, it did stayed with me for a long time. I was just there, living each day as it comes, I began to pay much attention to my body, there are days I take my time to rest, I mean, to rest a lot, and there are times I do things and push myself a little farther to prove that dear wouldn't dictate my limits. Coupled with that I've been trying my best to be there for people too, to check in on myself, and to do things that I love to do鈥攖hings like writing that goes a long way in helping me empty my thoughts, I cook too as it is one of my hobbies, and I as well take my time to clean and rearrange my space making it orderly and it gives me a sense of newness each time, even if my body feels somehow.
So, as it is now, I've accepted that whatever it is I have experienced in the past do not get to define my future, not as if the fear has stopped coming, but it has lost it's control and dictatorship role. I now trust myself enough to do things that is needed and expected of me to live life fully. And that is what strength is鈥攍iving life even when fear is present and is trying to remind you of what/who you used to be.
馃尮
Images are mine.
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