I closed my eyes and let the sun spill over my face. I could feel the harsh warmth bore through my skin, each pore splitting open under the pressure of the light, every single stream forcing its way down like pin pricks in a cloth held up against a bulb in a scorching hot room, a bone dry, soot covered prison that went on for miles in every direction.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I dropped down onto my knees and let the rest of my body slouch over limp. I knew that there was nothing left in it. There was no energy to speak of. It was just an empty shell that had gotten me so far, but that was it. I was done. I was letting go. I cracked my eyes open to peer down at what was left of me and I realized that everything could stop. I wouldn't have to fight it anymore.
“Tess...”
Nothing.
“Jessica.”
I nearly flinched as Zach put a hand on one of my shoulders. Out of the sunburnt pair, he really couldn’t have picked a better one.
“You gotta get up.”
I peered ahead to see the horizon again, everywhere. It never ended. It was either a rolling hill or a flat plain void of anything that had even dreamt of moisture, a perpetual machine lined with lifeless blades of grass that cut and blistered and followed us everywhere we went. “And go where?” My voice cracked. It felt just as dry and cynical as I how I’d made myself out to be. I grabbed a handful of the parched dirt that was slowly killing us and watched it cascade effortlessly through my fingers.
“Forward...”
Dumb answer.
“Just keep going forward.”
Fine. Don’t mind the kneeling corpse. Please tip as you pass by.
“Tess, come on.” He grabbed my arm, twisting the sensitive red skin that I refused to deem possible, and I shoved him back.
I wanted to scream at him, to tell him that this wasn’t fair, to tell him that every square inch of skin felt like boiling water, but I couldn't. The words caught themselves in my throat. They were easier to think than to say out loud, admittedly, but they finally managed the struggle “I can’t...”
He grabbed me by the arm again and I shrugged him off.
“NO, I CAN’T.” I stared right at his dumb, tan face and stupid, baby-blue eyes and darkening stubble.
Handsome bastard.
I would’ve cried right there in front of him if my body could have managed it, yet he only stared right back, his eyes slightly narrowed. If he was trying his best to be patient, then he’d lose.
He glanced at the horizon before looking back down at me again, this time worried. “How are your feet?”
I looked away. I didn’t want to do it again.
He unslung his M4 assault rifle from his shoulder and set it on the ground. “Let me take a look.”
I gave in as he gently sat me down so that I wouldn’t have to put any weight through my legs. I watched him kneel in front of me and I couldn’t help but shut the world out again. I didn’t want to see. It was always worse once I saw it. I could have sworn that my imagination was supposed to get the best of me, but somehow reality always found a way to make it worse.
Always.
I could feel him trying to slowly pull off my slip-on shoes and I tried not to shake. They would have started out as simple strips of canvas as they rolled off of a factory line halfway across the world run by starving kids, but now they were hundreds of miles past their prime. I couldn’t even remember what they had originally looked like. I sneaked a peek to see him stop at my socks colored charcoal and blotted with red, when it dawned on me that those at least were supposed to be white.
He took a slow breath as soon as I caught his stare. “This is probably gonna hurt.”
He was right.
I automatically winced and jerked my foot back as he accidentally grazed the heel with the tip of a finger, the pain quickly diminishing as it shot up through my skin.
“Sorry.”
I thought he might have expected me to yell at him. I hated when he looked at me like that. He seemed so sad. It made me wonder what I must have looked like.
He started again, this time slower. “One more time?”
I gave him a nod as he began to roll up the sock from the base of my ankle, careful not to press too hard and stopping for a moment every time I pulled back. I tried not to fixate on the notion that he might as well have been rolling up my skin, but after baring my teeth and a few more excruciating seconds, he finally managed to pull the last piece over my toes and held on to a wet inside-out piece of fabric with a blank look.
I couldn’t wait anymore. I had to ask while I pretended the ground next to me was much more interesting. “How bad is it?”
He took a moment to think about it. “Can you feel it?”
I should have hit him. “Yeah, I can feel it.”
Jerk.
“So how bad is it?”
He stopped staring. “I’ve seen worse.” I couldn’t tell if he was lying or not, but it didn’t matter, because he asked for the next one, patting his knee. “Number two. Come on.”
We quickly got a handle on the pair and somewhat air dried my feet, his hands only pausing to reach into his pack to pull out two tea-sized packets of sugar. I wasn’t sure what to make of it.
“You’re not gonna eat me with that, are you?”
He shook the packets at my face. “How could I, Tess? You’re already so sweet, like... all the goddamn time.”
Bastard, again.
He propped my foot up and tore one of the packets open. “Sugar’s a natural antiseptic. It’ll help you heal faster and fight off infection. And take some of the pain away.”
“You’re making that up.”
“Sure, because I’ve always wanted to do this...” He dumped the packet on my open sores and held my foot down while I tried to yank it away. “But,” he added. “It’ll still sting.”
I tried not to dwell on that as he moved on to the next one. “Thanks.”
Once he finished seasoning my feet, he went back to scavenging from his pack and pulled out a white undershirt, getting to work ripping it into strips.
“You’re not gonna need that?”
I was surprised to see him smile and even manage a short laugh. “No, Tess, I’m not gonna need it.”
I wondered how that worked and tried not to stare at him again, but even that proved to be too much work. I finally gave up and tossed my head back against the ground, closing my eyes. I couldn’t understand how I had gotten so far, so I assumed it only meant that the end must have been close. I thought about it while he wrapped me up. “You should just leave me here.”
“You know,” Zach started, tightening the knots around the soles of my feet and forcing me to catch my breath. “I would, but now you’re wearing my favorite shirt.” He got up again, slung his pack and M4 back onto his shoulders and left me lying in his shade. “Come on.”
I opened my eyes. He wanted my hand. He wasn’t gonna get it.
“We have to get out of the sun.”
“What’d you have in mind?”
He didn't say anything, so I assumed that I wouldn't enjoy it. He grabbed my arm without warning and pulled me up onto his back, holding my legs so that he could give me a piggyback ride. I felt like I should have expected him to do something like that, but his tenacity to put anyone else first was always surprising.
I tried my best not to let go and we set off like that, Zach carrying me on his back while I inevitably dozed off on his shoulders. We began repeating the familiar motions to make the best time, but the effort seemed almost pointless as the hot ball of death continued to rise up into the sky and twist over us, hours on end.
The labored breathing and rhythmic movement pressed against my face quickly lulled me into a daze where random thoughts seemed to wash over like nothing. I tried not to lose myself in the memories of the past few weeks and leaned my chin against the small nook of his back, only to hear a sound that I hadn’t been familiar with for quite a while.
I stared across one side and let my eyes glaze over as I tried to understand why he was laughing. “What’s so funny?”
I could feel his shoulders shake and finally relax while he muttered underneath his breath. “Is this how you imagined our first date would go?”
The words managed to make me smile and crack and splinter my lips. I wiped the small beads of blood against my arm and stared at the new stain. It was a sign that I was still alive, but even that was slowly starting to fade away just like us.
More or less...
Towards the end, the only shade we found was when the sun went down. We stopped for the last time just as the hills gradually began to tint orange and crest. By that point, we had been without food for longer than I thought we ever could. The utterly captivating physical and mental exhaustion had manifested itself in every step. It was a tiring darkness that blanketed every limb, poured itself through every single vein and stabbed its way out of the body and onto the world in search of its next victim.
I laid on the ground, motionless, fully enjoying any cool breeze that washed over my blistering skin when Zach hit the ground faster than he should have. He struggled to try and catch his breath. Surviving for two invariably took its toll one way or another and he would end up on the edge just like I had; only by that time, the only thing I’d be able to offer him would be a short glimpse into the future.
He leaned on his forearms and stared at the ground in protest. Giving up wouldn’t be as easy for him. “We’re almost there... It’s gotta be close.”
I raised a hand over my face and stared at the random dots that started to surround it, not fully able to comprehend what he was even saying. Finally, I could hear him gather the strength to stand up just as night starting rolling in again.
“I have to move on ahead.”
I looked over at him. That one had registered with me.
He frowned and dropped his pack. The rifle followed soon after, his arm slack as he dragged the gun across the ground by the strap before kneeling in front of me.
A familiar surge filled my chest and I had to sit up. I couldn’t remember the word, but the feeling was too strong. It would be too late by the time I realized it was panic.
“I have to.” He put a palm against my cheek and ran his thumb past my nose, a short smile on his lips. It was all he could do to comfort me, but it wouldn’t be enough. “If I go now, while it’s still cool out, I can probably cover two—maybe even three times the ground. I just need to find it.”
“No...” I leaned down, but he pushed my head up again and pressed his forehead against my own.
“Tess. You’re gonna be okay.”
I wanted to cry, but nothing would come out. How could he have possibly expected me to survive on my own? “Please… Please don’t…”
He tore himself off of me and pushed the rifle onto my lap, guiding my hand onto the forward receiver. “Just remember what I taught you.”
“Zach...” I grabbed his arm and he gently pushed it off to pull a canteen out of his bag, the last of our water barely audible as it sloshed against the sides, which was closely followed by a small ribbon that he tied around the butt stock of the gun. Even under the silvery moonlight, I could tell it was a soft baby blue. I couldn’t believe he kept it.
“I should be back before dawn. It’s yours if I’m late.” He shouldered his pack, but I still didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t want to believe it.
“Wait.”
He stood up and I reached out for him like a baby holding on to its new bottle and grown-up, man-killing pacifier.
I didn’t know what else to say. I should have stopped him.
“You’ll be okay.” He flashed a quick smile, fooling himself, then turned and walked off into the distance.
I tried keeping my eyes on him as long as I could, but I couldn’t tell when I’d finally lost sight of him. He blurred into the darkness along with my last chance of survival.
And just like that, I was alone.
Zach never came back.
I recognized the familiar heat radiating on top of my body, but there wasn’t anyone to help me, to carry me, or to keep me alive. I lost everything, including my will to live. I would have died right there in the dirt. I should have, but I didn’t. Even under the comfort of my own eyelids, I could see something blot out the sun that forced me to open them again. I couldn’t believe it.
“Sarah?” The word crawled out of my mouth like a crumpled up piece of sandpaper, my throat so dry that it hurt to breathe. My vision was still too blurry to make out the details, but the form and resemblance were uncanny.
“Mom, look!” The young girl kneeling over me managed to peel her eyes away after soaking me in. “I think she’s hurt.”
I stared back at her, confused, until I finally realized it wasn’t Sarah after all. I had barely pieced the information together when an older woman knelt down next her.
“Don’t worry...”
I glanced down to see wrinkled hands as the woman squeezed my arm and held on to it.
“You’re gonna be okay.”
Immediately I thought I was surrounded by my mother and sister. I could feel my heart begin to burst as I realized why I was even still alive. “Zach…” I tried getting up and fought against the hand that held me back down. “Zach!”
“Shhh, honey, you need to stay quiet.”
I reached for the assault rifle by my side and shouted for him again. The alien voice that came out felt like theft, but it drove me to press on, to separate my mind from my reality.
Further away, a pair of voices started shouting at us. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”
The older woman brushed the girl aside as I leveled the gun behind my back and leaned my weight into the metal.
The voices continued to get closer. “Who is that?”
I managed to take a knee when the woman grabbed the girl and shielded me from view. In between them, I could just make out two men walking towards us with rifles raised.
“Please,” the woman stammered. “Please don’t hurt her.” She started to shake, but she stayed with me as the men stopped just in front of us.
“Move!”
I couldn’t understand why she was protecting me. I wouldn’t be able to watch them get hurt. She shook her head. “Please… Please, just leave her alone. You don’t have to do this.”
The closest man aimed at us and I racked a bullet in my gun, flicking the safety off. “I’m not gonna say it again...”
And he wouldn’t have to.
I stepped out into the open and fired, screaming from the bottom of my lungs. Every single vice that had been bottled up inside of me came out right then and there. The gun kicked against my shoulder, sending a shockwave down my spine and dust into the air. I fired again and again, each time explosions rocketed out of the end of the barrel that ended up as puffs of smoke that kicked up dirt.
The woman threw herself over the girl as the two men, completely shaken at being fired upon, started to recover and brought their weapons up and started shooting back, but I wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t. I kept advancing on them. I screamed even louder and kept shooting as bullets whipped through my hair. I didn’t recognize the sound that was coming out of me until one of my rounds finally hit its mark.
Then it stopped.
I kept pulling the trigger, but nothing happened. The moment barely registered in my mind as a searing pain stabbed its way near my chest. I spun half a circle and hit the ground with the taste of blood in my mouth. The immensity was defibrillating. I couldn’t breathe. It felt as if every single fiber of my body gave out at once like a cracked whip.
The pressure in my chest threatened to tear me open. I could only stare at the blades of grass in front of my face as my vision started to cave in around me. I barely noticed the inaudible shouting or could even care as someone grabbed me by the back of my shirt. I could only lie helpless, being dragged across the ground, unable to control my own body when it dawned on me that even though I was surrounded by other human beings, I was dying alone.
