I. Two Shall Become One (John 17:1-23)
John 17:22–23 “And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.”
How has our relationship deepened and strengthened over time? What evidence can we point to that proves we are increasingly “becoming one”?
How are we growing closer to God? How does intimacy with God bring us closer to one another?
In what ways does our growing intimacy with each other open us up to others? In what ways does it cause us to become more private and exclusive?
When I was a young teen, our pastor invited a group of us to distribute Bible studies in a nearby town. The Bible studies included the Gospel of John plus questions that challenged non-Christians to seek God’s love in Jesus. I went on those outings driven more by obligation than joy. If no one answered the door when we knocked, I was relieved. If someone slammed the door on us, I was thankful that I didn’t have to carry on a conversation. One day while I was out ringing doorbells, a man answered, and when I handed him the Bible study, he scanned the text of the Gospel for a few minutes. Then he spit out a question: “Have you actually read this?” Actually, I had, because the Bible played a huge role in my family and in my personal life. But his question sent me back to the Gospel of John again, this time as if I had never read it before. I came away both discouraged and deeply renewed. John’s Gospel tells some of the most marvelous stories about Jesus—his nighttime encounter with Nicodemus in chapter 3, his visit with the Samaritan woman in chapter 4—but it also contains lengthy teachings that don’t seem to work well as evangelistic tools. Jesus demanded that we eat his flesh and drink his blood in chapter 6; he accused some of being children of the devil in chapter 8; and he said that we have to “remain in” him in chapter 15, verse 4. While those who have walked with Jesus for a long time sense the rich philosophic significance of these passages, they appear to be mambo jumbo to first-time readers. So too with this passage: “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me.” These words speak of the kind of intimacy that can only happen between people who have been with each other for a long time. In chapters 13–17, Jesus talked about his imminent departure and rued the trouble it would cause his friends. He urged them to trust the Holy Spirit, whom he would send them, and he cautioned them to remain in him even though he would be physically absent from them. He washed their feet and then offered a prayer requesting that the disciples be bound to him just as he is bound to his Father. The longer we walk and talk with Jesus, the more we begin to grasp what unity with him really means. Similarly, the intimacy of a man and woman in marriage is only truly appreciated as we share our hearts and minds and souls over time. Sometimes when I officiate at a wedding, either the bride or the groom has trouble slipping the wedding band on the other’s finger. They become embarrassed, especially when guests snicker. I break the tension by saying that wedding rings seem to fit better the longer you wear them. Likewise, true intimacy in marriage isn’t instant; it fits better over time.
II. Finding Freedom in Marriage (Galatians 5:26)
Galatians 5:13 “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.”
In what ways is personal freedom sacrificed in marriage?
In what ways has marriage freed us to be happier, holier or more fulfilled?
How can we help each other feel free to tell each other the truth, to do better this time and to find more joy in our relationship? Back in the 1970s, a popular song celebrated relationships in the lyrics “you and I are free to be you and me.” The grammar isn’t very good, but the all-American ideal of personal autonomy comes through loud and clear. Most people in the United States grew up in search of self. We learned to identify our personal strengths. We chose for ourselves schools, jobs, friends, apartments and spouses. Americans love liberty; we love to flex our independence muscles. But what has marriage done to my personal freedom? Or to my husband’s? Haven’t we both sacrificed personal freedom, each for the other?
Yes, we have. In marriage, each of us has put the other’s well-being and personal fulfillment before our own, and the result has been, to our surprise, a freedom more freeing than any we’ve ever known before. The people of Israel had a relationship with God. Because of that he expected a lot of holy behavior from them. Yet the Old Testament records centuries of the Israelites’ perpetual pattern of breaking away from God’s commands followed by their repentance and a desire for a renewed relationship with him. When the people turned back to God, he responded by offering them the freedom that comes with his love: freedom to start again, freedom to be close to him again, freedom to do better this time. The Galatians had been freed from sin by Christ’s death and resurrection. They had also been released from the legalistic restrictions that Jewish leaders were trying to impose on them, such as circumcision and other Old Testament practices. But that didn’t give them license to do whatever they wanted. Rather, freedom in Christ so transformed their lives that they were free to live according to the Spirit’s direction. They were to battle selfish indulgences such as sexual immorality, impurity, ambition and envy, and exhibit virtues such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness. They were free from self so they could obey God and be close to him. They were also free to find joy in relationship with others. That is what God does for us too. He says, “Put away yourself, your own agenda, and serve me. I will take away your sin and give you a freedom better than any you have ever known.” The same daily grace of forgiveness that kept the Galatians free also keeps us free in marriage—free to tell each other the truth, free to hold each other accountable, free to extend forgiveness, free to make a new start when sin disrupts our relationship, free to do better this time, and free to find joy in serving each other in relationship. I gave up a lot of my personal freedom to be me when I got married, but I’m daily receiving freedom (and encouragement and support) to be a better me in marriage and for God’s glory.
III. Marrying in God’s Wisdom (Proverbs 1:1-19)
Proverbs 1:8 “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”
What lessons from our parents are healthy for our relationship?
What bad relationship habits did we learn from them? How should we do things differently? Where do we learn wisdom that transcends parental teachings?
How will we model wisdom for our children? What are some good things they will learn about marriage from us?
The book of Proverbs is the heart of Old Testament Wisdom Literature. Even though Proverbs does not lend itself to theological outlines, a clear understanding of the book’s structure helps us to better understand it. Before the collections of proverbs fashioned in the definition of the English term (short, pithy sayings) begin in chapter 10, chapters 1–9 form a cohesive, well-developed introductory series of lectures. Although the words are addressed to a “son,” this is more of a literary device than a reference to a historical person. Both wisdom and folly in the Hebrew language are feminine nouns. So the writer of this section used these words to evoke possible partners for a masculine addressee. Throughout Proverbs 1–9, both Wisdom and Folly take turns declaring their attractions in a series of personified mating overtures. The speeches are biased in favor of Wisdom, of course, for this is the thesis stated in Proverbs 1:7. The goal of Proverbs 1–9 is to show us how godly wisdom merges with real life. Along the way we get principles for building strong marriages, families and work relationships. The proverbs of chapters 10–31 are word pictures that describe the furnishings scattered throughout Wisdom’s house. When we marry Wisdom, we begin to surround ourselves with her sayings, perspectives, tools and visual aids. These words of introduction and the proverbs that follow are meant to be applied to all dimensions of life. But they resonate clearly with dating and marriage relationships. It is from our fathers and mothers that we first learn what marriage is like. If the lessons of marriage are taught well by parents who have lingered long in Wisdom’s house, we gain invaluable perspectives on how to respect others, to enjoy the give-and-take of domestic living, and to create an environment of hospitality in which to bring children and friends.
The reverse is also true. Our parents are prone to sin and often tempted by Folly. So we may need to unlearn some of their bad lessons, such as deception, lack of discipline, immodesty or infidelity. But that mixed bag of instruction should only remind us that true wisdom, after all, is gained first from God.
IV. Marrying only for a Lifetime (Luke 20:34–40)
Luke 20:34–36 “Jesus replied, “The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God’s children, since they are children of the resurrection.”
What are some of the purposes of marriage?
What do we think heaven will be like, based on Luke 20:34–36?
In what ways is our marriage making each of us more holy? How does it make us long for ultimate fulfillment in Christ? The first book of the Bible, Genesis, tells us that God created man and woman to be joined together as one in marriage to satisfy the deepest need for human intimacy. In so many ways, marriage mirrors the deeper hunger of our soul to know our Creator and to be known by him. Marriage, then, is simply a shadow of a deeper reality, much like the tabernacle was a symbol of the greater truth of God’s presence with his people, and much like animal sacrifice foreshadowed the ultimate sacrifice God would make of his own Son, Jesus, on the cross. The Bible refers to the church as Christ’s bride. By living out fidelity, sacrificial love and purity in marriage, we’re preparing ourselves for the reality of life with Christ. After we die, we will be married to Christ. He will be our bridegroom, and we will be his bride. When we love our mate the way we are supposed to, we live out our spiritual calling on earth to be holy. Marriage, then, is more than our need for a companion or soul mate. It is a path of sanctification that we travel before we pass into glory. As much as we love each other and strive to love in a way that brings honor to God, it won’t matter if we’re not husband and wife anymore after we die and go to heaven. Rather than taking away the great blessing of marriage, Jesus is telling us that our marital relationships will be fulfilled, or brought to completion, in heaven. So the life now lives and will be rewarded in full when we meet new bridegroom, Jesus, at the gate.
V. Unity in Marriage (Matthew 12:22-37)
Matthew 12:25 – Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.
What are some of the things we as a couple do not agree on? How important are those things to our relationship?
What are the important issues that we believe we must agree on in order to build a successful marriage?
How will we resolve those important issues about which we find ourselves disagreeing?
“Every . . . household divided against itself will not stand” (Matthew 12:25). Jesus spoke these striking words when comparing his work and the work of Satan. A kingdom or a city, sure; those entities won’t last long if they’re totally lacking in agreement. Abraham Lincoln quoted this verse when speaking about the North and South before the Civil War. But according to Jesus, the truth is not limited to countries or cities. Even “a household”—your own home—doesn’t stand a chance if it’s divided. A successful marriage relationship can’t be a divided relationship; marriage requires unity of purpose. It’s not hard to agree with that. But what does unity in a household look like? How can a couple achieve it and thus increase their chances for a successful and long-lasting marriage? Does it mean they have to agree on everything? If your marriage is anything like mine, there’s not much chance of that happening. Politically, one of us has liberal tendencies while the other is strictly conservative. One thinks good enough is good enough, while the other would rather struggle to get closer to perfection. One is organized; the other certainly isn’t. One loves sports. The other? Not so much. One is very quiet, the other often too talkative. Can this house “divided” continue to stand? You bet it can! A truly “divided” household suffers from not only differences of opinion but also divided loyalties. A truly unified household is one in which both spouses put God and each other first. No task, no person, no opinion, no situation, no loss can for long divide a truly unified couple. Their priorities are in alignment, their lifestyles are in agreement, and their focus as a couple is in harmony. Unity can be difficult to achieve when two very different people marry and form a new family unit. In the first months and years of marriage, all the differences seem to be glaringly obvious. But over time, those differences begin to define who you are as individuals while the important things you agree on begin to define who you are as a couple. You’ve built your marriage on a unified foundation.
VI. Remembering God in the Good Time (2 Chronicles 12:1-12)
2 Chronicles 12:1 “After Rehoboam’s position as king was established and he had become strong, he and all Israel with him abandoned the law of the Lord.”
How has marriage increased our dependence on God? How has marriage dulled our dependence on God?
What are the dangers of being strong, of seemingly “making it”? What strengths tempt us to believe that we are self-sufficient?
When we start forgetting about God, what do we do? How can we intentionally cultivate daily routines that lead us to God?
Rehoboam’s folly of abandoning the Lord after becoming king isn’t so unusual. It’s what we humans have been doing ever since the fall. Marriage, in particular, is a relationship in which we risk repeating Rehoboam’s mistake. When things are going well, when we’re strong as a couple, it’s easy to forget about spending time with God. Sometimes marriage itself is the strength that draws us away from God. Those of us who live in Christian communities that place great emphasis on marrying—and marrying young—run the risk of thinking that marriage is the highest good. We think it’s the shiniest prize, the most desirable trophy in life. So during our single years, we spend many nights talking to God, regaling him with our desires. We cry out to him when the object of our affections spurns us, or we praise him after we’ve gone on a promising date.
Then we get married. And poof! There’s no need for God anymore. He’s finally given us what we wanted and, well, we find that we don’t need him quite so much now.
Or maybe our relationship with God was vibrant in the early years of our marriage when we were broke and our social life revolved around potlucks. We didn’t know what the future held—if we’d find meaningful work or if we’d live in one place for more than two years. Then one day we turn around and realize we’ve segued into all the trappings of middle-class adulthood. We own a house. We both have great jobs, complete with Christmas bonuses. Our kids start talking at 18 months old and are clearly geniuses. We start reading financial magazines more than Scripture. Of course we take the kids to church, but that day-to-day sense of relying on God? Um, no, not really. That has slipped into the past, just like the potlucks. One of the wonderful things about marriage is that we have someone to turn to, someone to help us, someone we can rely on. And yet the attendant danger is the temptation to forget the One on whom we must truly rely and who alone is trustworthy. The hope is that we don’t have to hit the nadir of married life to remember our dependence on God. At best, all our strengths—good marriage, fine house, fulfilling jobs—direct us back to God. These strengths are strong only when they send us to our knees in humility, thanksgiving and praise, and when they send us out into the world to share our abundance with others. Picture for a moment a physical house. You can take off the roof and the house will still stand. You can remove walls, move walls, paint walls or put in a new bathroom, and the house will continue to stand. But take one chunk out of the foundation of that house and eventually the house will fall. Your household is the same. You might not agree on everything, but if you agree on the foundational issues of living life together, your unified household will endure.