In terms of emotional maturity I had the skills of perhaps a ten year old that had been delayed by five years. This was me twenty years ago. The doctors couldn't get their heads around it, neither could the psychiatrists, psychologists or Social Care workers that worked closely with me -- no-one could; not even my own Parents. My Dad would call me the golden child because all of my needs were pandered to without me having to do any work for myself, and my Mum, well, she just worried a lot, which is why she pandered to me a bit too much.
Dad was a funny old man. He thought by emotionally traumatising me that this would help me grow in some weird way. It did, I mean eventually it did. But not before all the emotional trauma. Like the time when he pretended that I had a half sister for most of my life and he only decided to share it with me at the dinner table - my pretend half sister was of course his lodger. And there was the time that he was going to get me so drunk and sign me up to the foreign legion, and pretend it was a good idea. Oh, how him and his friends laughed at the thought of me being signed away to some remote desert not having a clue what to do -- bastards.
Emotional immaturity has it's good points I guess. For instance I liked to (and still like to) view the world as a happy place where everyone loves each other and those that do bad have it in them to be nice if they just get a bit of proper love in their souls. This is a part of me that I kept; I love this about myself because I can create my own happiness bubble with it. Yet in the past I've worn its serious shortcomings. People do bad things. I've been groomed in the past, yes, men (and women) that like this sort of shit groom emotionally stunted young men like me. We're easily to manipulate. I can't stipulate how on many occasions I escaped a life of torment by the skin of my teeth. I was the guy that would say yes to a can of beer from a greasy old dude and not think twice about it. Luckily I was well past my clubbing years after I began to hear stories of women trapping men and selling their organs on the black market. I was like a manipulators wet dream.
It all came to an end when other [good] people realised that I had the potential to have a really high EQ. For those that don't know, EQ is emotional intelligence. See, scouting emotions comes naturally to me. From a young age I learned to sniff out the people that gave off the emotions that I liked and I stuck to them like glue so that they could protect me from the bad emotions. People say men don't feel; we do, it's just that we don't show it. It comes from a long line of Victorian fuckery telling us to keep the stiff upper lip. I've always felt a wide range of emotions from a very young age but for which felt like forever I could only outwardly express three. Happy / Sad / Anger - and do so at my own risk. So you'd only get to see me as happy. The rest was for behind the curtain. I think this, combined with the alcoholism, the drugs, my Dad, AND society held me back from growing emotionally.
My journey all began one fateful day I received a phone call from a worried home help that my Dad didn't have long to live. My wife persuaded me to make peace with my Dad before he passed away which was an emotional roller-coaster in itself. For the first time I was dealing with emotions that I had hidden away for years; the concept that my Dad was a bad piece of shit, when in actual fact he was just a human that made a few bad choices in life through a bad start himself. He died and I blossomed, like a budding flower in summer. I grew exponentially, I grew length-ways, sideways and upwards. I began channelling my energy into my growth rather than my mixed emotions for my Dad. This was the dawn of a new era. My awakening.
Luckily with all the weight of my Dad off my shoulders I began to meet new and exciting people; people that were interested in me as a person and not what they could get from me. By now I had begun to realise and learn the benefits of giving my time selflessly whilst meeting a lot more people like this. This is where I met my boss; smashed together by a twist of fate, or cunningly calculated by the upper echelons of the business that we worked for I'm not sure, but she motivated and inspired me in ways that I couldn't imagine. She taught me the wonders of living in the moment, and self appreciation. I wouldn't say she taught me this but more so led me into realising it for myself, which is always the best way to teach anyone anything emotional.
By now I have aligned my heart and mind. It's something I really didn't think could be done. I've taught my mind to trust my heart, and my heart to trust my mind. It was a several year process through tears and hard work and realising that I had the potential for high EQ, I just wasn't using it in the right way. I could always sense the emotions around me, it's just the data was so high and strong that anything negative would send me reeling. I had to learn some solid barriers before moving onto anything else more challenging. But I learned.
I got there eventually.
And this is why I say everyone has potential. Everyone has something locked away in that mind-closet and that's why I'm here at the man cave to watch..
.. and to pounce!!
