It's been a while. I think it's about 2-3 days ago since last I logged my day, ramble, daily struggle whatever.
Writing this log from the public library, reminds me how I was disinclined to get back to the academic environment. It's not that I dislike or lazy. I don't have the same amount of attention and energy like I used to in the past.
Also, the whole reason I skipped my school earlier was complex. But mostly, it was about : heartbreak, denial and health reasons.
I was someone who could read a 300 pages book in a day and memorize what I was reading. I didn't have to study and I would get the same grades as students who studied their asses off during finals. School days were very easy. I was completely effortless knowing I would still be an A student without studying.
And so, I was in Denial.
I kept registering eventhough I needed rest. I kept pushing myself further and further.
Then life fucked me up. More like expectations fucked me up.
Also,
Now, I am required to get out of my comfort zone. I have to study hard like any other students just to get that B+ or that A, something I never did in the past.
Finally it dawned me that I have to do it. I need to despite that it's going to be difficult. Maybe one day, I can be an inspiration.I want to prove that if we re-wire our brain to stop being a victim, eventually things will follow. We have choices to make differences.
I have nothing other than time. It plays crucial role in my life, my future and the whole process of learning or getting things done. Without a proper time management, I would be stuck. Like a hamster on their wheel.
I was sitting with a colleague while discussing our school subjects. Then, we started to count how many courses are required to graduate. After we counted mine, we found out, it won't be enough.There are a lot of courses I've not taken. It might took me additional 2 semesters to be able to graduate.
It worried me in that moment.
I discussed my problem with him. He listened attentively to my struggle while also asking questions about my progress. He was confident that I could finish within 1,5 years. I was confident too, at least inside that room.
Now, It's up to me. I am the one who will be responsible to fix all this mess. I am going to be responsible and take responsibility. Getting out of comfort zone sucks but nothing is impossible, I guess.
For fact, I've been here. Writing and even nomading for sometime, not long ago.There's nothing impossible. All I have to do is to let my ego and arrogantcy gone.
I admit, I am not the same of who I used to be. I am learning and I have my own timeline. One day, I will wake up and understand all of this situation.
Signed, M.
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