Think With Caffeine Log 23 Almost Expelled

It's been a while. I think it's about 2-3 days ago since last I logged my day, ramble, daily struggle whatever.

Writing this log from the public library, reminds me how I was disinclined to get back to the academic environment. It's not that I dislike or lazy. I don't have the same amount of attention and energy like I used to in the past.

Also, the whole reason I skipped my school earlier was complex. But mostly, it was about : heartbreak, denial and health reasons.

School didn't feel the same after the accident.

I was someone who could read a 300 pages book in a day and memorize what I was reading. I didn't have to study and I would get the same grades as students who studied their asses off during finals. School days were very easy. I was completely effortless knowing I would still be an A student without studying.

And so, I was in Denial.

I kept registering eventhough I needed rest. I kept pushing myself further and further.

Once, I thought I had it all, like most times.

Then life fucked me up. More like expectations fucked me up.

Also,

The thought of doing the same effort like most students scared me.

Now, I am required to get out of my comfort zone. I have to study hard like any other students just to get that B+ or that A, something I never did in the past.

It's been days I thought about it.

Finally it dawned me that I have to do it. I need to despite that it's going to be difficult. Maybe one day, I can be an inspiration.I want to prove that if we re-wire our brain to stop being a victim, eventually things will follow. We have choices to make differences.

The only thing I have is Time.

I have nothing other than time. It plays crucial role in my life, my future and the whole process of learning or getting things done. Without a proper time management, I would be stuck. Like a hamster on their wheel.

I found out I was on the edge of getting expelled.

I was sitting with a colleague while discussing our school subjects. Then, we started to count how many courses are required to graduate. After we counted mine, we found out, it won't be enough.There are a lot of courses I've not taken. It might took me additional 2 semesters to be able to graduate.

It worried me in that moment.

Until, my colleague and I went to the principal.

I discussed my problem with him. He listened attentively to my struggle while also asking questions about my progress. He was confident that I could finish within 1,5 years. I was confident too, at least inside that room.

Then...

Now, It's up to me. I am the one who will be responsible to fix all this mess. I am going to be responsible and take responsibility. Getting out of comfort zone sucks but nothing is impossible, I guess.

For fact, I've been here. Writing and even nomading for sometime, not long ago.There's nothing impossible. All I have to do is to let my ego and arrogantcy gone.

I admit, I am not the same of who I used to be. I am learning and I have my own timeline. One day, I will wake up and understand all of this situation.

Signed, M.