At the start of the year, I thought I already knew what I wanted, but now I realize that I’ve drifted away. Then, along the way I discovered a new fear of mine, I tried to overcome it only to realize I ended up questioning what even is my purpose in this life? Have I found the meaning I was always looking for?
It all goes on a downward spiral until I remember this book by Viktor E. Frankl, that was recommended to me almost a decade ago. You know, I give out that vibe that I was scrambling for meaning. The book, while it exactly tells you what meaning is, didn’t really register to me. Not until just a few days.
It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
Somewhere along the way, this year for the first time ever I stopped living based on my own personal meaning rather than what my family or environment expects of me. Then, I got tired of all of it because that exposed me to the horrors I have long worked to avoid.
When you’re living in an auto-pilot mode, life becomes a bit dull, and you no longer see/feel there is something to live for.
This is why just as I mentioned over my intro to july, I want to be living more mindfully and intentionally. For once, I want to be more conscious of my actions, choices and even as simple of remembering the day and date.
Because for once, this was all attainable. Throughout my years of choosing this lifestyle, there were moments when I had that “ well, this is it, the meaning of my life”. While I might be seemingly odd or overly over the top to someone, that life gives me more space to breathe, and a lot more clarity and more reason to wake up every morning.
These days, Saturday always invites reflection for me. It’s the day of the week I choose to sit still with my own thoughts after reading some scriptures. This week specifically, I am learning to redirect the ship of my life to actually do my own wisdom, my own set of habits I set out a long time ago that fell apart. I wrote countless and countless thoughts on reflection, minimalism and only to find that sometimes, they all fell apart. Maybe this is what we call life, just another day striving to be a better version of ourselves, falling apart, and trying all over again.
Maybe there were parts of me that have integrated so well with this lifestyle that I feel it’s just something ordinary. However, I am sure, there are more new things and habits of minimalism I could cultivate again before this year ends. Anyhow, I will have to tell you all about what will be changed next week.
