Brain Dump | Morning Musings

go out, touch grass

The intrusive thoughts....

In a day, I have so many ideas but whenever I am sitting down & get to actual writing, they're lost somewhere. I always told myself to bring notes or write them down in my phone, The thing is, I rarely use my phone and bringing notes is almost a little impossible. But now, I am regretting all the good things I've thought about these past few weeks.

As I am sitting down finishing my coffee, lately I find it quite cumbersome to recall every ideas I thought about. I don't want to lose my streaks of doing this brain dump because with this one, I've reached to the #36 brain dump. That's quite an achievement itself because so far, I rarely stick to even pas 10 of the same series.

I read this book, Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl along time ago. Guess what? I didn't find the book meaningful at the time nor really finding the answer I was looking for. A lot of people said the book moved them and changed them but it wasn't for me. Even on my second attempt, it didn't even moved me other than I was reading a horrid dramatic events of someone's life. Somehow lately, I wrestled with the idea of life's meaning.

I have all the freedom I could and feel like nothing was stopping me. Technically,nothing does. I admit that I am a little out of touch with most reality.

I find myself pretty sheltered and the only thing I am getting in touch with reality is when I talk to others and even so,a lot of my friends are quite out of touch and living a privileged life. Almost all the people I know, don't really start from actual 0 and I don't think I started from 0 either. I would be lying if I start from 0, I just chose not to use the privilege I had and I can tell you as much, starting from actual 0 sucks.

But I also realized how expensive freedom is. Not everyone has the freedom to do things at a whim, being a little reckless or having to stop dealing with their family completely, You could say, I traded my freedom with a lot of things too. I traded a fully paid education until PhD, I mean who wouldn't want that? you know I let that go. I traded my freedom with lifelong support of my other side of the family. Maybe I am dumb but it's the thing that makes me feel a little happier, I am dealing with no bullshit and drama free life.

These days, there are a lot of people sharing their live online and somehow it seems like there's right and wrong living our life. I wonder why I am not proud anymore of my way of living. I used to be proud of it and found no fault with it.

I wonder if I haven't been disconnecting a little while from things and getting out of my bubble. In my bubble, almost everyone I know are privileged and though they have its own sets of problem, money fixes their temporary problem most of the time too or some of them are like me, choosing the hardcore way to live their life. Sometimes I wonder if they ever felt bitter like sometimes wishing they didn't trade their freedom.

It's not that I am not grateful of everything I had and have. I know there are people out there having it worse than me. But it's not about that I guess. Sometimes it's just out there, could be because I found no meaning to life yet or maybe I have.

Anyway see you soon!