Brain Dump | Morning Musings

The what ifs...

There’s only one good thing about reimagining how life could have been, it’s to count our blessings. For me personally, the what ifs might have been great but there are so many life factors at play, that even those seemingly utopian ideals can be a hell in disguise.

Welcome to my brain dump, it’s morning and when I am able to sit down, sipping a cup of coffee while contemplating about life and emptying it out a little.

I still love doing that from time to time whenever I think I wasn’t being grateful enough. There are many scenarios on how my life could have played and honestly, the one I am doing right now feels a little out of plan. I never planned on being on crypto, being a freelancer, entrepreneur full time, remote worker or any of that.

Ever since I was a kid, my dream was to work in foreign affairs, changing the world and how it works from there. I said that confidently as a 10 years old and I carried on that dream until my late teens when I eventually got closer to that dream. But life and my choices took me here today.

Throughout my life, there was always an intersection between tech and social issues that I love to find myself involved in. It was pretty weird growing up among my adoptive family, who was more of like a middle class entrepreneurs. They didn’t really get themselves too involved in politics and didn’t really care about latest tech advancements. They never dreamed big enough to change the world, they only dreamed about living comfortably and modest.

Once I learned about my biological parents, everything I wanted, finally made sense. My biological parents, they always love to have the latest gadgets and always follow the latest trends. They got involved in social activism and closely working with the government. My biological mother especially, she dreamed big, bigger than her world and the world around her. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a good mother because her other dreams were more important than me and my siblings. The same thing with my biological dad who was once tried to run as local senator and it was more important than raising me and my siblings. It’s funny seeing how those two lived the goals I wanted to, if life didn’t take me here today. Some of my siblings though, they copied our parents. They work in tech and intersection of it with social activism too, some of them aren’t great parents either which is a pity.

For me, navigating my life has been pretty much a challenge. I just felt like I never fit in and even these days, I seemingly found myself not really having a goal or some type of life direction. I still remember the last time I conversed with my biological mother, she told me that my adoptive parents won’t ever understand my bigger dreams in life. They were only able to give me love and support but will never understand any of my ambition. She mentioned, it was probably why I’ve found myself frustrated with life because my bigger dreams couldn’t find its place nor the people close to me understood it. My adoptive parents certainly didn’t have the right connection to make everything I wanted come true but it was their love and trust that got me this far.

I have this habit of making life harder than it should. I could have chosen an easy mode in life but I seemingly always pick the expert mode to living and life. Not sure why it’s always my inclination but I would never recommend it to anyone, just pick an easy mode in life and be comfortable, maybe after all, my adoptive parents dream are valid, just life easy, comfortable life rather than going extra miles and dreamed bigger.

When I talk to friends, sometimes they also reimagined how my life could have been. It’s even funnier coming from them because they never though I would be this way. Their version of me was quite amusing but they are also not too shocked either when I mentioned the things I had done so far. One even mentioned, “ I always have that international vibe where I’d be exposed to different kinds of people from all over the world”. It was hilarious.

In hindsight, there are many things I could be grateful about when I got exposed to this life. It’s mostly the people I met, the kind of people that I would have never crossed paths had I chose a different life.

I used to be so afraid that my time was running out just because I wasn’t achieving a certain milestone in life. These days, I finally found that it’s okay, there are still time and every morning is the new beginning.

There are some bible verses that I recently read about letting go of past mistakes like Isaiah 43:18 and 43:18. I find it fascinating that this was an old wisdom that was written years ago. I suppose, mistake is part of being human and living. These last few days though, I find more vigor once again to live up to some new dreams I made and I’ll work my hardest to get it.