Let's imagine two kinds of childhood. The first broadly is the good kind. When you're upset someone is on hand to soothe you, when you are furious someone handles you calmly. When you need attention someone is there for you, when you can't understand someone explains. When you are messy someone resists shaming you, when you fail you are not called a loser. Whenever problem, you'll get through it. In short, you deserve to exist. Whatever competitive world out there, inside you're a huge value. You are for as long as it takes the center of one or two kindly grown ups universe.
Then broadly there is the challenging, bad childhood. When you cry they call you spoiled, when you're difficult they say it's attention-seeking. When you don't succeed they take it personally, when you're messy they're disgusted. When you try to be strong they're threatened, when you are weak and unimpressive they belittle you. In short it's a bit of a pity you're around. You don't quite deserve to exist. You're a burden, and in the end really a giant disappointment.
The first kind of childhood is just about the greatest gift anyone can receive. It's quite easy to form satisfying relationships, to have ambition without perfectionism and to approach adversity with resilience. And likewise the bad sort of childhood is proper lasting trouble. It keeps undermining relationships, generates endless problems around sex, confidence, breeds anxieties, self-hatred and shame. We don't yet know how completely to fix bad childhoods. There are proper pain to have had, but here are one or two things to try very hard to keep in mind.
Do everything you can, to understand the craziness inside you. Be suspicious of many of your first intuitions and responses. Watch out for weird stuff you're gonna try to do to increase your chances of flourishing. Warn people around you in a gentle way about what you've been through. Invite them to feel sorry for you, rather than just condemn you for being difficult. Try to get all the insights you can from books, therapy, thinking. Except that this is a legacy you're going to carry around with you all your life. Feel without self-pity a little bit sorry for yourself.
