I used cocaine and methamphetamine heavily for around seven years. I quit approximately ten years ago. I don't know exactly how long it has been, first because I don't like to keep track, second because quitting doesn't happen in a day.
For myself and many others who have successfully removed drugs from their lives quitting is a process that can take many years.
It's important to remember when you are "quitting" that you will probably slip up from time to time, for a while. Most of us do. It happens, it's not the end of the world, it is your commitment that matters most. Over time you will develop confidence and resolve and you will become strong and eventually you will be able to resist temptation EVERY TIME.
I'm not sure I can honestly say that the temptation ever actually goes away. That might be a better question for someone who has been recovered for a longer time than myself.
Everything in life begins with a choice and in this case I believe that the choice is between life and death. You have to think about how you feel about your self and why you think you deserve to be stuck in this hell. For me, I didn't want to live. For as long as I could remember I wanted to die. Well, I can't say how I felt in the time leading up to my mother's death, the memories I have of that time are like images and fleeting GIFs that almost don't seem real anymore. I do, on the other hand, remember after she died. It was a mess.
I was around 20 years old when I made my choice. I had spent the night smoking meth in a drug house in Victoria, BC and dawn was breaking. I was alone at the time. I had always assumed that I would be dead by 21 so I had a lot on my mind. I was thinking about death and the peace that it may bring. It occurred to me just then that I also would never feel happy again, not even for a moment. I would never feel love. I would never know the feeling of a loving wife or her arms as they hold me.
There were so many thing that I would have to sacrifice for that peace, if peace is even what it would bring me.
I remembered the people that loved me, and how much pain they would feel if I was gone. I thought about how much they sacrificed to get me to this point and how hard it must have been for them to see me fail over and over again. I thought about how my mother fought to her last breath in an effort to give me the best chance possible.
I though long and hard about all of these things and I realized that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to feel happy, and that I had to work for it.
I knew that it might be some day way down the road that I actually get there but I decided that it was worth trying, that I was worth saving.
Maybe I couldn't love myself at the time, but maybe I could respect myself just enough to get the help I needed and start to improve my circumstances.
I chose life over death and started my journey towards freedom and happiness.
There are people who love you or who will love you and will help you, you just need to give yourself a chance and understand that it could take a long time and be really hard but it is worth it!
Don't give up, choose life, and then move forward, one small step at a time, and be patient with yourself, it will take time.
