This post is in response to this week's The Weekend writing prompts by GalenKP. If you'd like to check them out, here's the link: @galenkp/we111-weekend-engagement-concept
Survival Guide for Alien Encounters.
This guide has been put together as a serious attempt to support my peers on Hive. It is my strict intention that this guide be used only when necessary in order to survive an alien encounter.
Step 1: Avoid American Deserts.
It is a fact, widely known, that Aliens will often attempt to abduct you in the middle of the dessert. Usually places like Arizona, or Nevada. Typically, this will occur on dark nights and will often involve your car experiencing power failure. Typically the number of people confronted by an alien will be between one and four.
Tip: Never visit an American desert, but if you do find yourself holidaying in such a location, make sure you always have someone occupy the middle seat in the back. Aliens appreciate the need for sound cinematography, and a crowded backseat would not make a good shot. If, however, you are unable to find a fifth person silly enough to join you, be sure to drive a truck capable of towing a horse float. If you experience technology failure, immediately proceed to the float, with all occupants of the car taking a horse and riding in a different direction to minimise the potential of the aliens finding you all.
Step 2: If you’re caught, you need a script.
It is a fact, less widely known, that Aliens are curious about humanity’s purpose for life. However, due to their inability to tell you apart from a monkey, or a donkey or a statue – as indeed, they are often overheard saying, ‘I can never tell them apart’, you must come up with a plausible answer which unifies all species and statues.
Tip: This is a good opportunity to describe the evolutionary life cycle of humans to aliens. You must tell the creation story of the donkey, who moved to two legs, much like the gorilla, who gained erection (You should always say erection, and when the aliens laugh, chastise them and let them know you’re talking about standing erect; and again clarifying to erect posture. By doing this, you assert a level of maturity and credibility which the aliens cannot thereafter claim themselves). Finally, you must establish you too, are one day looking forward to being as hard as stone, and as you become rock hard, you will be transforming into a statue. To avoid an anal probe, you must let them know that your purpose, therefore, is to get stiff and that you simply don’t have time for their fun and games.
Step Three: The Threat of Annihilation
It may well be the case, although this is still only speculative, that the aliens may insist on the annihilation of the planet. If they present this threat, you should be mindful that they are capable of following through with this planetary destruction, and that you need to be able to manage the situation.
Tip: Aliens are quite widely know to be aggressive and to offer a grumpy posturing. This is largely due to being hungry. You know yourself that you get moody when you’ve not eaten, it is vital, therefore, that you always keep a picnic basket in the boot of your car for such a time. Aliens love ham sandwiches, especially when they’re toasted. It would be an opportune moment to ask them your new alien friends to use their death rays to toast the bread, and to enjoy a meal together. During the meal it is vital that you recount the plot of Independence Day, and to blend in elements from Star Wars. It may well be that they have heard of Will Smith, but you should put your feelers out before declaring participation in either the Rebel Alliance or the Galactic Empire – it would be worth aligning Earth to whichever side of the dark or light that these aliens belong to.
Step Four: Sharing Technology
It is a generally accepted fact that the rapid evolution of human technology is as a consequence of previous alien encounters offering humans advanced technology. While it is true that any gifting of technology might be beneficial to the planet, self-preservation should always be at the top of your agenda.
Tip: Aliens like to show off their technology, and will usually talk about their gadgets for hours. This is not to say that there is a lot to say, but rather, that they talk slowly. If you are in a position where an alien wants to attempt to showcase their wares, be sure to say no. At this point in the conversation you have survived many of the perils of this encounter, it would be foolish to have it written on your tombstone, ‘Bored to death’. To that end, you should look the alien firmly in the eyes (wherever they may be), and be asked to be returned to the desert. You need to be mindful that the horse that you were riding on when you were picked up may have been blinded by the beam of light that beamed you up, so you should consider asking them to drop you by the casinos just off the Vegas strip. This is close enough to Area 51 that the detour won’t inconvenience them too much.
Step Five: Don’t Share Your Experience
This one is just common sense, if you start telling all your friends about your alien encounters, the best case scenario is that you will become the butt of their jokes (pun intended) – and the worst, you will be committed to an asylum. It is best to deny the experience altogether, and this will avoid the necessity of two men in black suits needing to erase your memory. By decreasing their workload, you are saving taxpayers from needing to fund unnecessary travel expenses, and in turn, contributing to the possibility of lowering your own taxes.
Disclaimer: This post is meant as advice only, and not from personal experience (remember, never disclose your own experiences). The author of this post should not be held liable in the event of world destruction or burnt toast.
