Heart as a compass

I bought my one-year-old son a pair of shoes. Nothing special, just winter shoes. He will be able to use them now with wool socks and in spring without them. A good catch with a discount. I wasn’t prepared to buy him these shoes, I didn’t think that he will be running so well outside just yet. I thought he’d be now walking barefoot inside and outside in shoes a bit later. Shoes, however, are not the subject of my post. The real subject is about growth.

He is already one-year-old and today we are celebrating his first birthday. One year passed in a blink of an eye, surprising me with his walking abilities. Among other things. This year was full of unexpected. I knew that he would grow fast but I knew nothing about how much I would grow myself. Being responsible for another (very little, innocent and pure) person is sometimes wonderful but sometimes very heavy. Knowing that I’m everything and everyone to him at least in his first months was a blessing and a curse. Knowing that I’m the only one that is able to satisfy all his needs and make him feel safe and calm, knowing that no one could really replace me made me feel both, important and insufficient. And all this love. There is so much love, that sometimes I felt like I could explode because of all this happiness, and sometimes this huge love felt like a burden. Why a burden? Well, when I was supposed to be away from my kid for a while, for a couple of hours or for many hours, I felt restless all the time, I couldn’t relax and take my mind of him. I needed time alone but I couldn’t be apart. Luckily, this became much easier after first six months and now there is no problem with that at all. I know how he is with other people and I know that he is doing great. One could summarize this by saying that mother instinct surprised me and scared me.

All and all, I’ve learned a huge deal about myself. I’ve learned to trust myself and to trust my feelings. I’ve learned to be strong and at the same time, I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. I’m not afraid to say things out loud if needed and I’ve learned that sometimes words are unnecessary. I’ve learned to be efficient and I’ve learned to arrange some time for myself.

Lindiry