I spent three years in an Islamic boarding school or Pesantren from 1993 to 1996. During this time, I received a lot of doctrines about life and Islam based on the values taught at the Pesantren. These doctrines strongly influenced my views on life. The strict and limited mindset shaped my life decisions.
After that, I went to Bandung to get a job as a salesman. I encountered a reality that contradicted the previous doctrines. Many of my colleagues ignored religious teachings, yet they managed to gain profit in their work and social lives.
In this situation, I began to doubt what I had believed before. I failed in the job and gave up. I went back home to Central Java and sought my dad’s help. I wanted to continue my studies at a college.
I entered college in 2000 and graduated in 2003. In college, the social life was broader and more varied. I met students with different ideologies and beliefs. It was here that I abandoned many of the teachings from Pesantren and let go of some Islamic doctrines.
I became friends with people who saw life as free, and I immersed myself in the freedom of thought and ideology.
After finishing college in 2003, I worked as an English teacher in Bekasi.
I worked there for three years and then tried to establish an English course, but I failed. From 2006 to 2016, I worked at a primary school.
During this time, I had a different social life. As a teacher, I had to act and think as an adult who followed established social patterns. Most people in this environment viewed religiosity as one of the main moral standards. I often listened to Islamic preachers with Wahhabism ideologies and became interested in Wahhabism. I believed it was the only true way to practice Islam. I grew a beard and wore my trousers above my ankles.
My perception of life changed. I became more religious. I prayed five times a day at the mosque and began to feel morally superior compared to others who did not share my views.
I got married in 2009, and my wife followed my new ideology. I lived according to Wahhabism. I did not realize that it led me to a smaller circle of friends. I only considered friends to be those who shared the same ideology.
I moved to a new house, renting a place far from the mosque where I used to study Wahhabism. I still attended mosques that had preachers from Wahhabi groups.
In my new home, I had a more diverse social life. I could not avoid interacting with people from different backgrounds. Here, I started to feel uneasy about the strictness of Wahhabism. The hatred directed at people with differing religious views was often expressed by Wahhabi preachers in their sermons. I began to question myself: "Is this truly Islam?"
I withdrew from the Wahhabi circle and started getting along with people from all walks of life. I felt more comfortable in this environment.
In 2019, I decided to leave Wahhabism. I shaved my beard and changed my style of dress to blend in with the general public. I quit my teaching job.
The society I lived in followed the Indonesian Islamic model, where people often gathered for religious activities. This made me uncomfortable. I distanced myself from religious matters but continued to engage in social issues.
Now, I prefer to hide my religious identity so I can integrate into all types of society. I started smoking again to express my freedom. I live more comfortably now. I see religion as a value to promote better humanity, not as an identity. I have become more critical of religious preachers. What is the point of religion if it always leads people astray and makes them feel morally superior, while lacking compassion and love for others in terms of humanity and social matters?
