Narcos, that’s what everyone calls me. I’m a junkie. Scum. Lowlife. Garbage. A dirty druggie whore.
You see, I’m not like them. Well, not like most of them anyway. I’ve been clean. I’ve never been dirty. I’ve never had sex for money or pleasure. But I’ve watched. I’ve been where they’ve been. I’ve seen the dirtiest, filthiest, most despicable parts of the underworld.
I’ve been there since day one. When they were still junkies. When they were still sober. When they were just kids playing around with their toys and not caring about anything or anyone. I’m the reason they’re the way they are today. I made them who they are today.
I don’t have the same clean past they have. I’m a junkie. I’ve been an addict since I was twelve. I’ll admit, I started off young. I started selling my body at 13. I was young and bored. I’d met a few of these people I now call my friends. I’d seen the way a few of them got there. There was no other way I could get my thrills. I had to learn to get by any way I could.
That’s when I thought I’d try drugs. I didn’t have any money since I had no job. I hadn’t learned to steal yet. I didn’t have a man yet either. I started spending time with them. One day, they suggested I take a drug. I was scared. I didn’t want to. I hadn’t yet. But I did. You know what they taught me that day?
How you make a drug addict in four easy steps:
Give a virgin a drug.
Tell them how filthy they are.
Make sure they can’t go back.
Break them down and make them depend on you for everything from food to a place to stay.
I was hooked the first time. They were cleaner than a virgin’s cunt, you’d believe they never took a drug ever before. They asked me to do something else for them in exchange for more drugs.
At other times, they’d offer me drugs when I couldn’t get them from someone else. I’d arranged more times than I can remember when I needed drugs. I need a fix. I’m quitting soon. I haven’t had any in days now. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve learned too well. I’m a junkie. I’m a dirty whore. I’m garbage. I’m a piece of scum.
What brought me to this point? I was still selling my body. I was very young and hardly had any other options. It didn’t matter. They sold me so they could rake in some cash. I was a kid. I didn’t even cry when I was attacked. I was numb. I just didn’t feel anything. I’d seen people worse off than me be broken. They took the junkie out of me. I’d lie there and do whatever they ask of me. They hurt me to show they were ahead of me in the market.
They had told me something else, too. I’ve watched them fight. Sure, they win and all. They can always get away with it, no matter what. I’ve seen them beat up lying people, men and women, all white, all blue collar. I’ve watched them kill people. This is what happens when you put junkies in front of a weapon and a couple pills.
When they’re lying there bleeding or crazy from some sort of poison. They won’t die right away. They won’t even die from a drug overdose. They’ll die from the blood loss. It’s the little things that get you.
Someday, I’m going to kill you, I’ve learned. They treat us like we are their kids. I’ve watched them beat up kids for their own protection. I’ve watched them kill people for the same reason.
I’ve killed myself over you, I’ve learned. I’m used to being a whore. I’m used to being dirty. It’s the first way they treated us. They made us worthless. We didn’t even have to do anything. We were just worthless junkies. We had no humanity. We were worthless pieces of scum.
I’ve been dying inside since I’ve met you, I’ve learned. Their children became their toys. I’ve been in the same position, too. I’ve watched them let their daughters play with the drugs. When they were little, their babies were their toys. When they were teenagers, they were their toys and their drugs. I’ve never looked at myself as nothing more than a piece of meat. A dirty prostitute. A filthy junkie who will do anything for drugs and a fix.
Sometimes I think I’ve wanted to be someone else all along, I’ve learned. I’ve learned about violence. I’ve learned about sex. I’ve learned about drugs. I’ve learned about poor white trash. I’ve learned about gangs. I’ve learned about why some people are not care about right from wrong.
I’ve learned these people would lift the hood and kill their own family before telling their identity. I’ve learned these people are often smarter than they seem. I’ve learned these people learned too much too early in life. I’ve learned I’m going to die. I’ve known it for a long time. I even stopped using.
I’ve seen them dance over the bodies of men and women before anyone realized they’re dead. I saw three people kill one three days ago. They tied her up before killing her, but she was still killed before she could scream.
I saw them cheat on their wives before the wife found out. I saw them not do as good a job as everyone thought they did. I learned about their depravity. I learned who they were.
I watched one man take a bullet meant for someone else. It passed through his stomach. I watched another man eat part of his own thugs on purpose before killing him. I watched one swear an oath about killing the people who took his family hostage. One took him at his word.
No one is immune to this life, I’ve learned. The life they’ve led is one of them. These people are bottom feeding scum. They live by the scum of the earth, too. I’ve only seen a couple break. That couple was killed for it. I’ve seen them tail honor. They have to kill anyone who shows any sign of getting out, no matter how squeaky clean they are. I’ve seen those people. They bleed before they die.
I’ve watched people be killed over money. I’ve watched them kill people for a couple of thousand dollars, or at least try to. I’ve seen them kill someone in front of someone they promised to protect.
I’ve watched them try to kill people for the same reason they’d kill their family members. They don’t care who they kill. I’ve watched them kill someone just to watch the rage. They want a kill that will make them feel good. They want to be bad. They want to kill.
I’ve learned nothing matters now but survival. They would feed on themselves right before their death. They’d tell anyone who asked how good they were. I learned to know more about these people than I ever wanted to know.
I’ve watched them beat a woman to death for no reason I’d ever see. I’ve watched them tease a man until he died. I watched them eat the last of their family before they died.
I saw a man take honor on himself and kill the second person who took his family hostage. He knew they would use his family as an excuse to kill him. I’ve watched people snicker in front of me. I watched them shoot a man in the head.
I didn’t know any of this until I watched one of these people get killed. Yes, before that, I never had a clue. I knew what these people were capable of, but I never saw it right up close.
Another thing, I’ve learned the difference between regular people and scum. No one can compare to the difference between a dirty drug addict and a scum bag. The people at this place as spiffed up as people could.
These people are people who hide in the dark. These people act like they’re not to be reckoned with but their eyes are red. The people at this place are people who are always watching. They watch with their eyes. They watch with their hair. They watch with their clothes. They watch with their body. They watch with their hands and their feet.
The scum don’t look like the junkies. The junkies wear your clothes. The junkies are dirty. The scum dress like they’re no one. The junkies wear a mask.
The scum can be anyone. They can be old or young, skinny or fat or just plain fat all right, any color, any race, any creed, any gender can be a scum bag.
The scum don’t worry, I’ve learned. I’ve watched one of these people save a child from being raped and abuse. I’ve watched them harm a child, kill a child. The scum just laugh and simply do it all more mean.
The scum are a nightmare. They bring death. That’s something no one forgets. If anyone decides to stop whatever it is the scum are doing, it all stops.
I know this, this life will kill me. They kill people for things less than a few thousand dollars. I’ve seen them kill children for a few hundred dollars. I’ve watched them kill people for even less. I’ve watched them kill someone because they didn’t know them. They didn’t care. Someone would always be watching. It was their duty.
I’ve also seen this one person wake up to a place, a prison. They took me there once. I saw the looks on the guards’ faces. These people are dirty sly dogs who kill with no mercy. I’ve watched this one person be beaten so hard. I’ve watched this one person kicked, stomped, and kicked again. I’ve watched this one person bleed. I’ve watched this one person be given the worst beating of their life.
I’ve watched this one person kill three of our friends. I watched that person kill that same person again.
I watched them break that same person. People have tried to break that person. I even watched them break a “C” class inmate. Maybe they heard the rumors about them in their own stupid game the people have.
After all is said and done, I’ve realized I’ve heard enough. This one cell is full of people I’ve watched be murdered. I’ve seen people poisoned and get away with it. I’ve seen people get away with crazy shit for years without anyone getting a suspicion. This is a prison, people. These things should not be happening.
I’ve been dead for years… I’m not sure how long. The world has gone nuts. Worse than before.
It’s not the time, the world is not the same. I’ve wanted to die. I’ve wanted to die. I feel like I’ve watched too much death. I feel like death will be an easy escape.
I’ve been lying on the floor for over a day. That’s the problem with this life. No one notices you when you’re on the floor. No one gives a crap. No one cares. No one bothers to check on you. No one bothers to make sure you’re okay. Someone has even sat on top of you.
They’re not a good person. They would kill their own father, their children, their own mother, their own boyfriend, their own sister, their own cat. They’re evil. Someone who would kill their own cat is evil.
I’m never gonna wake up. I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m done. I’m done with this life. I am done with this life. No one’s gonna care. No one’s gonna give a damn. I’m gonna die. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s weird knowing what you know. It’s odd watching. It’s odd to want to live as a child, but as a child, you have no choice but to learn about what’s really out there. You have no choice but to watch.
I’ve been watching for so long that I forgot what it was like to feel happy again. I forgot how to be happy again. I can’t remember what it’s like to smile or act normal. I can’t remember what it’s like not to have reason for my hands to shake when I’m nervous.
I can’t remember what it’s like to hide. I can’t remember what it’s like to be safe. I can’t remember what it’s like to be less afraid of these things, but I guess that’s what killing myself will be. I know what’s trying to kill me. I know now. I just don’t know how. I feel like I’m not safe if I live. I feel like I can never be safe if I don’t die.
But maybe dying is the answer. Maybe if I just go, then I can be safe. Then I’ll wake up and live. I can be free. I can try to be happy again. I know what I need to do. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do it.
I would kill this one officer who broke one of my friends. I didn’t do it because I like him. I didn’t do it because revenge is a good thing. I did it because he was part of what’s wrong with this world. We don’t deserve him. No one deserves what’s done to them. I did it for my friend, because she deserved to die.
I did it for everyone who made me feel this way. I did it for the girl who wasn’t allowed to play. I did it for the little boy who was born with pain. I did it for the man who was made to feel his life was worthless. I did it for the eleven year old who should be a teen right now. I did it for the people who taught me. I did it for my mother. I did it for my father. I did it for my brother. I did it for my father. I did it for my mother. I did it for my brother. I loved her.
I’ve loved you so much, I couldn’t lose you again. I’ve loved you, so much. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.
I’ve killed you, I’ve killed you. I can’t do this anymore, so I’m gonna kill myself. This is my fault and my fault only. You’ll never watch my eyes, you’ll never hear my voice again. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.