I had a New Years resolution in the beginning of this year to read fifty books. This will double the twenty-something personal record I had in twenty fifteen-ish. If I wanted to be a "world renowned writer", well, I must -- read a lot of books, so happily I've been picking up the habit. I am excited to set and meet this goal in December.
Currently, I am reading from a variety of lists. I desire to read Beverly Clearly's entire bibliography, as well as Judy Bloom. I also wish to complete the entirety of Alice Miller's work before consuming her son's memoir about his life growing up with her being painted in a darker shade than her public persona once allowed. I think it will be an interesting read if I had a heavy hand in back knowledge first. It feels like an immersive experience.
Most importantly I am reading Rory Gilmore's "Book Club." Which is essentially every single book that was referenced within the entirety of the show including "a year in the life" epilogue part. No, I have never watched these series. But here I am. This list will take me a decade to complete with over 500 books depending on which list is curated by which person.
There are a mixture of books that I have also picked up due to the past, books I once read -- and now I wish to see them through another light. There are no rules for reading and I am excited to watch how many I can consume inside of my lifetime.
With that said, here are the books that I have read so far and my plan going forth for September, October, November and December.
January - August 2022
And now, here we have found ourselves in September. I am hesitant to write down the books I am thinking about reading because it changes. I do wish to finish Beverly Cleary's memoir, or one of them before December -- and I have longer books on my list which will take up the rest of the time. I read a lot of books this summer. Speaking of which, I still have this summer beach list that I did not finish -- along with other personal lists that I wrote ages ago, so. I have my work cut out for me, one could say.
I feel in some ways these lists are helping me connect with my inner child and teen.
I think one of the things I felt most "left out" on -- was my education. My parents had all this money and resources; for what? I felt ripped and out of schools, here and there for these treatment programs that were suppose to make me be nice to my parents... all to leave out the books. I did not read as proficiently as I read now, and perhaps that is a bit of my trauma showing through, I took to books during my time at these places because a hard back book felt steady and stable.
And you know what? I am okay with all of this. It makes me take in the beauty of the hell I went through. There is a song by Fletcher that says, "But maybe it's a good thing to go through a little hell." I find myself resonating with that phrase these days. I am beginning to harness the power of my story.
I stopped posting on Tiktok for now. Honestly, it just that screaming out my trauma story on the internet was not what I was looking to continue to do in the manner I have been doing it. I got the feedback I had been craving, looking for -- searching, endlessly. I crave change. I'll tell my story within a different frame in the future. And to do that takes an evolution of the mind and body.
I must begin digging into the foundations of where I will grow from here. I am starting again, so I am reprocessing what I think by scrubbing books along my consciousness.
And writing in my diary.
And working.
And dreaming.
Something inside of myself has risen and it feels so good inside to be able to speak about it all. And to be able to appreciate what is happening in my life -- I had to destroy my life, the life I had been living for years after treatment; in order to build my own life, not live the life I built for others to enjoy. I am living from the inside. I am living to create inner diamonds, not to dig them out for others to behold.
And that's what I am doing now.
By reading.
I read all the "spiritual" books (aka anything non-christian) I would not have been allowed to read as a child and I call it re-parenting. I like some, I like others better, I don't like some. Isn't that beautiful? To disagree and keep going.
I read because I was told I could not, did not. Because I believe that is the beauty of the education I feel like I missed out on.
And now? Reading fills the space.
I am filling myself in from the inside out. Could I ever reach 300 books read per year? Could I read two books per day for a month? What are the big dreams a book worm has. It all feels realistic, one day. I could grow into my dreams and visions. I could grow into myself for myself.
What if?! What if?! What if?!
The possibilities now seem endless.
Without the overwhelm.
And I feel capable to finish the goal I set.
I feel capable to read.
I feel capable for the skill to grow.
And I think that's how I can tell the depression has lifted, these little experiences that I created, that I built, that I made -- that I succeed. I said I was going to read this year and look at me go. And it is a deep source of pride, a sense of self fulfillment -- a sense of worth and value. A sense of self love. A sense of satisfaction, of healing.
I am healed.
I am broken.
I am mortal.
I am eternal.
I am whole.
I am bleeding.
I am human.
I am living.
Cheers to eleven plus more good reads.
