Today, I made a terrible day for myself. I get into these sad mental stories about not getting attention, affection, respect, noticed. But none of those words sound quite right… I will think of it later. We went to the local restaurant to treat the police officers today, though I didn't do much of anything. I did get the email out to SOTA and the colloidal silver web page done. But I just sat off to the side at the other table. I kept thinking I should join them, but I couldn't. It was like a mental barrier or wall, blocking me from getting up. Kept me from doing anything really. Overwhelmed by anxiety and confusion. My mind kept me back. It kept explaining the situation as I was not apart of the group. I am not one of them. (The people I work with) I isolate myself… I distance myself. I don't belong here.
I had to go for a walk and tried to hang out by the lake to think over things or calm down. Did Not help. Or, rather, I wouldn't allow it to help. My mind wanted to keep this self deprecating story going, if not just for the satisfaction raught from justifiably believing that I am not good enough. I have nothing to offer the world. From this then comes the “no point in living” thoughts. The hatred for life itself thoughts. This cosmic joke of nonsensical bullshit made manifest for your viewing pleasure, kind of mentality...
But from this also comes something of a realization of momentary truth for myself. I f***ing hate people. I don't want to help anyone. I don't know why I am here, with this group, helping people. The people are a bother to me and I don't want anything to do with them. This is what I tell myself at least. But all these things fill me with doubt as to my place in life.And, on top of these thoughts, are the unsettling realization that I am losing my blood family the longer I stay invisible. The realization that there is no back to go back too. That I have no more home. This is a rather somber feeling. What have I done with my life? What happened? All these new and insane and beautiful things, so rare and magical, transformative and world altering. These things that life happened upon me, and, seemingly, very few others… What has it done to me? Was it worth it? What happens now? How do I move forward? Where does this end?
I don't know…
All I see here is meaningless.
I have to change. I can alter my future. I can change who I am now. I have that power, but do I have the will? I no longer need to remain attached to the me I have always thought myself to be. I am allowed to be who I need to be to get to where I want to go… I am the creator of my own life. I am the identity itself, in constant recreation. Endowed with freedom of choice and the power of free will, to make the best of this journey, flowing through this part of the river of infinity, choosing to steer clear the whirlpools of negative thinking. This leads me to the point. My question of, “why am I, someone who doesn't care about anybody, here trying to help everybody?” Well, of course, it would be the best exercise to strengthen ones will power. Here I am, no family to return home to, and yet amazing possibilities lie here. Although, those possibilities are only found and realized through my transmutation. I have to reprogram myself to find joy in helping my fellow man.
Slingshot myself from one extreme, to the other?
...That actually applies to other parts of my life now as well… One extreme, to the other. But I guess I just haven't learned that lesson yet. The lesson of choice. Life is an exercise of will. Despite what your brain screams at you about what it thinks or interprets is going on around you, how well can you maintain yourself? Upon knowing you can control your emotions, applying the will to maintain the optimal emotions for your enjoyment and heightened success in every situation. Having the rational to see if an emotion is benefiting you or not and, if not, than changing it to one that is. You are above the mind, in fact, you are what makes up the mind. The mind as you understand it, is only an accumulation and categorization of events, experiences and knowledge gained from birth until now. It is a programmed response system. The autonomic nervous system. It can be reprogrammed! With effort and will, it can be reprogrammed. You can change who you are...
