Ah, I have been avoiding you, little blog, mostly because I knew once I came back here, I'd have to face up to something I am less than proud of: I did not compete in the half-marathon. There, I ripped off the band aid and said it. Not so hard, though the disappointment pops up each time I get to this particular band aid. So yeah, I didn't do it. Mostly because I didn't do my 9- and 10-mile training walks and instead, spent those Saturdays in my office, working. I knew that with my lingering knee injury, trying to gut through 13.1 miles without that preparation would be foolish. And I also knew it would be irresponsible for me not to have fulfilled my work responsibilities. So overall--from a professional and health perspective--this was the mature, right decision. But all I could think for those couple of weeks was:
a) being an adult really bites sometimes,
b) am I really being an adult, or would I have been more mature if I'd found a way to "do it all," like so many of the other adults I encounter every day, and
c) man, you really blew it. Harsh stuff, but that's what facing up is about...at least in my world.
But that was the past, and this is now. Right? Isn't that what you're supposed to tell yourself when you make a decision you're not proud of? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on the horse, blah blah blah. There are a million little cliches I can tell myself, but the one I've been clinging to these days, as I push myself to reunite with my motivation, has been: You are not defined by one choice.
Because that's ultimately what it comes down to--you make a decision, sometimes it's right, sometimes it's wrong, but it's over, and all you can do is move on and hope your next decision brings you closer to where you are trying to ultimately go. In that spirit, I am signing up for the Philly half-marathon in the fall. I know I can do this. I want to do this. That has to be enough.
And whatever happens, I'll blog my way on through it, because avoidance is not a pretty color on anyone!
When I think about motivation, I think about music, mostly because every time I hear a great piece of music, it pushes me to improve my own craft. Lately, I've gotten back in touch with my guitar and that's mostly because I've been listening to a lot of Mark Kozelek, who is an astounding guitar player and musician. I've seen him live about 4 times, and am enraptured each time I do because I've not seen many people do with a guitar what he does--the tunings, the ease with which he manipulates the strings. It's a beautiful thing, and his music is awesome for it. Take a listen to two of my favorites: Four Fingered Fishermen and Trailways.(When he plays the second song live, you can actually see everyone's jaws hanging open as he rattles off the last 2-3 minutes of the song.)
In that spirit, I have to give a major shout out to Fred Hersch, whose concert I went to on Saturday. Fred's story is inspirational, and you can read about him and hear some music here, but it pales in comparison to hearing him live. Holy wow. Within minutes of getting home, I sat down at my keyboard and just played around for a while, which I haven't done in forever. Just knowing someone out there can make such wonderful music makes me want to practice, and practice, and practice, and who doesn't want to be inspired in that way?
Enjoy.
