This month marks two years since I was diagnosed as schizophrenic. I decided to write a journal entry, reflection, on my condition to mark the occasion. Here are the results:
Reflection, looking back I am still in shock in a way. That it happened and I am now living with the illness I always feared obtaining. You have these fears in life and my biggest one was to wake up one day crazy and out of my mind.
It's been a rough road. With schizophrenia you lose so much besides health. That is where I would like to focus is on the lose of the things other than my health. You lose friends and family and the ability for people to trust you and believe what you are saying. Those things combined with the lose of career were hard to handle all at once much less when your not your right self.
It's like you wake up and your whole life is over everything and everyone you knew are things of the past. You wake up to a new world, a new reality and to your interactions with others changing. It's a lot to take in all at the same time.
And in a way, feels how I imagine death will feel. You embark on a journey through a strange foreign land. A land filled with new things and new people and you search for former land or self but there's no going back. You are in a new life and then your realize life is a blessing and this new world while different is able to be lived in. You can have a life here.
So life is good. I have come to acceptance that life can once again be good. I don't believe I will ever embrace how different schizophrenia makes me from the general population but I can accept who I am.
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