For quite some time now I have been battling with my own anxiety. I want to talk about it today so I can try and help other people who struggle with the same thing.
When I was a teenager I smoked marihuana. One day, I was alone and walking around my town when I felt anxious while being on the drug and had a panic attack from strangers going by. At first, I didn’t pay that much attention and I don’t know why but later on I figured out that I had a problem. My anxiety went so bad that I was afraid to go out and as I was reflecting on my memories I figured out what caused all of this…
When I was around 12-13 I had a stranger experience. I don’t know if I have talked about this before here but the story goes like this: I and my family were living in a really small apartment. I, my dad and mum were sleeping in one room, my computer was in that room also and also the TV. So when I was doing something on the computer the TV was on, being right next to me. While I was hearing the TV really clearly there was a series of horrible news on it. A lot of people were murdered that day and little me felt scared, couldn’t breathe and was terrified to actually go out again. I felt as if I go out I would get murdered or at least robbed.
As time went by I wasn’t going out much and when I was – there were always people with me. So years go by and I started smoking pot. While I was smoking it and walking alone I always felt anxious when people who feel strange to me walked by. I had a panic attack every time that happens. So the use of the drug unlocked this side of me even more. Since then, I have had a hard time walking alone in my town. Even now, when I do not smoke, I still have these panic attacks when I am passing a strange-looking guy. I feel as he is going to kill me.
I started adapting myself to the environment, analyzing where to go and where not to, based on the probability of me meeting people who can actually do me harm. When I was out alone I would always wear headphones. Also, I would just stay home If I can whenever getting out is not a necessity. All of these things above do NOT help! They are not healing my problem; they are avoiding it. By me, not facing this issue, I make it bigger, the fear grows stronger and stronger until I just face it firsthand.
The real way to deal with this kind of problem is to face it again and again and reverse the process. Whenever I stay more at home I feel more fearful to go out. If I, on a daily basis, walk alone around my neighborhood and create a habit out of it – I will decrease my reaction to the problem. The panic attacks will become less of a problem and I would regain control over myself again.
I am currently reading a book by Sigmund Freud called “The psychology of the unconscious”. He taught me that whenever something painful happens to us, and if it becomes a repetitive way to cause you pain and suffering, your mind is capable of psychologically ejecting this anxiety-evoking idea from your consciousness. It represses this type of pain over and over again until potentially it is not healed. When I was younger I actually had this anxiety-driven idea ejected from my consciousness and through the use of marihuana I consciously started to observe it and analyze the fear I had related to the problem, because the drug amplified every good and bad emotion of my life. This problem came to light and I figured out its cause (the traumatic event) by remembering the most vivid memory related to my problem.
While I have this problem now, I need to reprogram my brain through repetition so it can replace these anxious ideas with new pleasant ones. I need to go out so much and so frequently that it becomes teaching my conscious and unconscious mind that this is the new norm, that every previous thought around my problem is invalid and this new information actually brings to the table facts which are against the idea that “when I go out I will get killed”.
A couple of times before I have started going out on my own and then quitting it, not sticking to that habit. Whenever I stop doing that my anxiety starts building up again. If I want to heal my problem I need to continuously do what I am fearful of doing. As time goes by I will create this new habit which in theory should replace my previously formed part of my identity related to my anxiety. It is a slow process but nonetheless will help me get through this.
The best way to heal my problem is to reverse it. To find what I am fearful of and do that. In some cases, it can be life-threatening to do so and If that is the case you need to find another way of healing your problem, but basically, even the smallest forms of going against your fear can help. And until next time – have a beautiful life! Peace and love to you all <3
