What I Am Afraid Of

R A T

Canva Black Mouse.jpg _{Photo by freestocks.org
Eyes were half-open only while searching for a photo of a mouse.}

The root of my fear of the rat is unknown. I haven't figured it out why I fear them. I always end up crying when I see one. Ironically, I fear rats, yet I love Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

One time in high school, my classmates loved to provoke me because I always fought back. While I was on my chair reading a book, my guy classmate placed the mouse of our other classmate on my head. I saw its tail and I freaked out. I was crying while stomping, and they were laughing. It's rare to see me crying at school. The white mouse ended up dying because I stepped on it and it made me cry even more because I killed him.

I can stay in a room with a cockroach flying or maybe more of them and crawling. But I might faint when there's a rat in a closed room.

Speaking in front of a crowd

I don't enjoy crowds especially when I am the center of attention. I can't think properly if all eyes and ears are set on me. You can say that I don't like the attention that I get from other people. But ironic as it may seem, I love to perform on stage. But other than dancing, I'm a fraidy-cat.

In high school, I was assigned to lead the national anthem since I was the President of the Student Government. I was looking at my best friend for the whole time. I managed to survive because of her. I was very active at school, yet I ended up embarrassing myself. I was also appointed by my teacher to be the representative of the declamation contest because I memorized fast. Then during the competition, I had a mental block, and tears clouded my eyes. The moment I stepped out on the stage, the four stanzas that I forgot bombarded on my mind.

I was even more terrified to join any contest. However, I was forced again by my classmates to be the representative of the tongue twister contest. Imagine, I can hardly talk in front of the crowd yet they wanted me to join the tongue twister contest. Fortunately, I managed to divert my attention to the piece of paper and I won the contest.

Another contest that I was forced to join was the English and Filipino Chain Storytelling Contest in college. I had been informed that I am the proxy a few minutes before the contest started. I was freaking out. I had blacked out, my knees were wobbly and I barely did an adlib. It was terrible. The crowd laughed thinking it was part of the piece but no, I was about to collapse. We won the first round and second round but on the following rounds, I insisted to quit. I think I lost lots of blood.

Death of Loved Ones

Just by typing these words and the thought of it are giving me chills and what-ifs are all over my mind already. I have many dogs. I consider them as my babies and the death of some of them shattered me. Even if years have hitherto passed, I still feel devastated. How much more if my loved ones?

I am brushing off this fear by collecting moments with my loved ones, capturing it, and expressing my love for them. The clock is ticking, and we are physically not immortal. Just sherish the moment and live with it.
I realized I didn't want to be the subject of the photograph. But rather I want to be the one to capture a good and memorable photograph with my loved ones as the subjects.