From the ages of 10 to 20, I dealt with an intense amount of sadness which I didn’t even know why I was experiencing, most days I would cry myself to sleep, I had mood swings and I had attempted suicide twice in this period. I wouldn’t call it depression because it was undiagnosed and I wouldn’t want to claim something I was unsure of.
During this time, I had learned to hide my emotions very well and I always had a smile even on the worse days, It became a goal of mine to always make people happy because of how hard I knew being sad was. I didn’t speak about what I was going through with family or friends which meant I had to deal with it on my own and even on days that it felt too visible to hide, I always had one excuse or another for why my bed sheets were soaked at night.
After some research I realized that this feeling of sadness had also happened to my father before me and he also attempted suicide, I don’t know if this made me feel better that I wasn’t alone or sadder because he had to deal with this also and I didn’t have the opportunity to talk to him about it.
It took a lot from me but one day before turning 21, I made the decision to be happier, I wouldn’t just fake the smiles but I would mean the smiles and would try to the grateful for all I had. I began living with these phrases, first was “in all things give thanks” which meant no matter how crazy it was getting I would always find a reason to be thankful and the other was “eventually, it all falls into place” which meant no matter what I was going through it would work out.
I gradually began finding ways to be happier, I wrote down my feelings, I listened to music and I always put myself in a place of happiness which worked from 21 years till a few months ago. I had started having the urge to cry more than usual, I was zoning out frequently and my emotions were all over the place but I brush it off as nothing because well I was stronger than I was before.
I realized that I started losing interest in friendships, family and most days I would rather want to be alone and this feeling intensified when I started working a new job. I work Mondays to Saturdays which meant I was always around people and I never had any alone time with my thoughts, I was also stressed mentally and physically because I had no time to rest or clear my head.
For the first time I cried out for help unknowingly to my mother and she gave me some words of encouragement even though she didn’t understand what was going on which felts relieving at the time but for a few days now I have been finding it harder to wake up in the morning and I have been overthinking a lot of decisions I am making.
One thing I do know is that just because I am feeling this way doesn’t mean I am not strong, I do know I would be fine in no time and the lack of suicidal thoughts means I am not where I used to be and I am thankful for that.
A random picture of me smiling.
Thank you for opening this box of passion