Everything has changed; Nothing has changed.
That's how my diagnosis felt like. In the end, I was and am still the same person, but having an explanation for the problems I face in daily life is really liberating.
Before I came to the conclusion that ASD might be a realistic diagnosis though, I had a long journey.
My first major problems emerged in high school. I started to stay at home. At first I told myself that this was my decision, that I want to stay home because school is useless anyway. At some point it seemed like even if I really tried, I couldn't accomplish anything in life. I missed almost two third's of my school years, but I managed to graduate thanks to the good grades I got in the rare occasions I was actually there.
Soon after I got 18 years old I moved out to live together with my best friend - one of the best decisions I have made in my life. But that also meant that I now need money. I went through 3 jobs in the span of a few months, always getting fired due to me being overwhelmed by the work.
My private life wasn't much better, but I was lucky to always have had honest friends. I've never been in a real relationship to this point of my life.
I concluded by some self-diagnosing that there is something mentally wrong, but no mental illness seemed to solve the equation. I went from depression to sociopathy to social anxiety to OCD to depression. Only a few months ago I saw a presentation by Tony Attwood, a renown psychologist, that for the first time has let me seriously consider ASD as my problem. It ticked all the boxes. Depression - Check. Social Anxiety - Check. Repetitive behaviour - Check. Sleep deficients - Check. Holy shit, I may be autistic.
After some research I found two relatively reliable questionaires which helped me to determine if and how autistic I may be. Self-diagnosis sucks, so please don't treat these as accurate, more like an indication. For what it's worth I don't know any autists that have scored below the autism level on these tests, but I do know neurotypicals that had scores above the autism threshold.
If you still think that you might be on the spectrum, you should ask yourself if you want to pursue a diagnosis. Even if it seems counter-intuitive, there can be some downsides to an official diagnosis. Depending on where you live these can include social stigma, work discrimination, insurance costs or other.
Surprisingly, recent studies show that 74-86% of adults with Asperger’s are either unemployed, underemployed in jobs that underutilize their knowledge, skills and experience or wrongly employed, that is, working in jobs for which they are not suited.
- Dr. Kenneth Roberson
Yet for me the financial, emotional und psychological support I get thanks to the diagnosis, the advantages overshadow the negatives for sure.
Thanks for reading!
