There are so many articles about love and relationships that one would need a couple of lifetimes to read them all. We're told what to do - usually in X steps or Y ways to find and keep the "love of our life". We're told how to break up in order to minimize the side effects (feelings of loss, sadness or - worse - depression).
...Most relationships start with this feeling of blooming love; we feel butterflies in our stomachs and all of a sudden we live la vie en rose.
There's a huge amount of energy - the energy of the beginning - that feeds the new relationship, heightening our feelings and perceptions. As time passes, the energy of the beginning fades away; people feel they calm down a bit. They don't love less - they just don't feel so "bubbly" about it anymore.
Stability sets in, allowing for a good grasp on reality. The projections people usually cast upon each other ("he/she's the man/woman of my dreams") make place for the real person we share [part of] our lives with. This is the time when various life situations come to test the strength of the relationship.
Mature people deal with the reality of their intertwined lives. They use their mutual love to strengthen the foundation of their relationship. They work on their friendship, tolerance, ability to learn from each other. They adapt and evolve together. Immature people either break up, or compromise.
Compromise is generally considered the only way to have a long, lasting relationship. In my experience, when people makes compromises to make their relationship work, they actually create and abide by a double standard - what they feel/think/know to be right for them versus the acceptance of what they get from their partner. In the long run, unhappiness is bound to happen.
People get together because they are attracted to each other.
Sometimes it's only erotic chemistry; that type of attraction usually burns up quickly. Again, there are - generally speaking - two ways of moving on: a). without making a fuss, if we're mature; b). with more or less drama, if we're inexperienced enough to mistake passion for love.
Other times, the attraction is based on affinities on multiple levels - intellectual, emotional and erotic. It allows for the development of long term, meaningful couple relationships. Most people, when they're drawn together by this type of attraction, are willing to do their best to make it last.
Long term relationships may end in friendship, when the partners don't feel attracted to each other anymore, but they still have a lot in common. They may also end more or less traumatically - then there's no way, at least for a while, for the people involved to remain friends.
Only a small percentage of the couples can claim to have overcome all the difficulties while still being happy together and deeply in love with each other.
Why is that?
Romance entertainment (music, films, books) overflows of expressions such as: "I'll die without you" / "I can't live without you" / "I need you" / "You complete me" (ah! the famous scene from "Jerry Maguire" :D ) that carry the same idea: the NEED. [Overdramatic as this type of entertainment may be, it still reflects a certain reality of our lives].
This is the why of all the drama.
Most of the times we're unaware that we love out of need. Our significant other brings in the relationship the right attitude and the right actions that we need in order to feel loved, safe, wanted and worthy.
This is actually a normal stage in the evolution of any human being. It's natural to support one another and to need one another to grow, to evolve.
What do we do wrong then? We usually fail to realize we're at this stage - love out of need. Then we fail to remember we both need and therefore, we both should provide for the other. We also cling on our partner and become resentful when they fail to fulfill our needs, instead of "using" them as a catalyst, or a launching pad for our own self development (and reciprocate).
When we're unaware we're at this point in our evolution, we enter a vicious circle:
-> fall in love -> project one's dreams of the ideal partner over our significant other's reality -> we get the wakeup call -> a). we break up and start all over again with another person, or b). we go on while compromising. Both choices coming along with plenty of disappointment, frustration, unhappiness.
On top of that, routine comes along to kill the romance; living together kills the chemistry and allows for little or no personal space (unless people are smart and take the necessary steps to prevent this).
The best option, in my perspective, is to acknowledge this stage and make the best of it.
There are a few things a couple needs to acknowledge in order to be able to evolve together and make the best out of their love:
-> each person should have his/her own space. Privacy is important - not to hide things from the other, but to have a place where one can be alone for a while, every now and then. Even if they live together, there should be enough room to allow for personal space.
"But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls." [Khalil Gibran, The Prophet]
-> don't sleep together all the time. It may seem weird, however plenty of tantric treatises explain how sleeping together kills the erotic attraction - because the couple depolarizes. Tantric and Taoist writings outline the importance of the yin - yang (feminine - masculine) polarity, not only for sexual intercourse, but also to improve the relationship dynamics over time.
A very good book on this subject is "Sexual Secrets: the Alchemy of Ecstasy", by Nick Douglas and Penny Slinger. This book not only details the importance of the yin - yang polarity, it also explains the concept of sexual continence and provides a lot of info that can be put into practice with excellent results.
-> constantly work on your own self development.
Never allow yourself to become set in rigid patterns - this is how one loses the joy of living, the sense of fulfillment, of happiness.
Use introspection to understand yourself.
Heal your own emotional traumas through whatever works for you - yoga, tai chi, therapy etc. If need be, isolate yourself for a while - there's no need to poison the other with all the negativity you purge out of yourself.
Unlock your subconscious and change negative patterns with positive, creative ones. This is really difficult, however not impossible. Understanding how one's mind works is a life changer.
Spend quality time with yourself in order to relax and recharge. The best kind of happiness is the one that shines from within - don't let yourself conditioned by circumstances or people. Circumstances change; people come and go. Achieving inner peace and a state of well being is the best gift you can give yourself - and your significant other.
All this is involves constant (and sometimes hard) work, however it's worth every effort. It makes life interesting - there's no time to get bored; every time you reach a new level of awareness, you see yourself, your loved one and the world in a completely different light.
Obviously, this takes a lot of time and energy - and it usually takes a while before finding that someone who's both able and willing to do the same.
"Love conquers all" only when it grows on a strong foundation, otherwise it will fade away and eventually completely disappear.
When you feel you're whole - when you know you're self sufficient in the sense that you know how to be fulfilled and happy on your own - you discover you no longer love out of need, but out of abundance.
At that stage of the relationship, love grows exponentially and the couple evolves at an incredible pace. They radiate goodness, love, happiness, strength. From that point on, it's safe to say "the sky is the limit" :)
