WARNING ⚠️
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I Pace, taking long strides and hitting one fisted palm into the other open palm. I am holding back tears as I recount the events of the 27 years of my Life. How could I possibly find myself in a space I've vowed never to be seen. Why do I keep going in cycles,repeated mistakes and endless misery?. I want to scream I want to tear down the roof but I don't want to be heard,I don't want anyone to see or hear the madness that has become of me.My sanity has long been gone, fleeing and deserting me when I need it the most.
All I feel right now is an emptiness. An empty space,a clear field, void of emotions and reasonable thoughts.
I sit in one of the corners in the room holding my head in my hands wondering what has become of me,the once bright, bubbly and ever Smiling beautiful Woman. how did i face the world? how did I do it all and then allow everything I've built and worked obsessively for to come crashing at my feet while I smile through the tears? Nothing made Sense!
Facing the world after this isn't an option.There is no coming out of this, it has always been a one-way fast lane, there are no turnings,no diverting,just an endless journey into continuous Calamity and you Die when you stop.
I stand abruptly picking my phone as i move. I tell myself I am making the call and begin to dail the numbers that has now become tattooed in my memory.
I stop, remembering why I am not to make the call,this call,the most important call at the moment that I urgently have to make as the clock is ticking and time is running out.Do not make the call I repeat severally to myself but my hands keeps aching , keeps shaking, I want to make the call, I want to say something, Anything but this cancerous silence that is rapidly eating up my being.
Tears slowly run down my checks, it begins as a silent cry , then it starts to happen, the twist and turn, the anguishing pain hits me hard and unexpected. I jerk forward losing my balance as I stagger reaching for the walls. My phone falls from my hands, I had known there would be pains, but nobody said there would be these much pains, I slowly get on my knees but that seems to make the pains increase unimaginably, so I get into the fetus position , this isn't going as planned, I have lived a painful life and wanted a peaceful death. Seems like it would always have to be the hard way for me. To live in pain and die in Agony.
I haven't made the call, I need to make the call,time is slipping past me. I stretch my right hand, trying to reach the already damaged phone, but the pain is something I do not have proper words for, Feels like I am being sliced open and forcefully with the blunt side of a knife, while being stabbed with a fork at the nape of my neck with sharp fingers ripping out my flesh just for the sheer excitement of causing intense pain.I struggle,I gasp,I dig my fingers into my arms in a bid to contain the pains. I smell the blood before I see it , my bright yellow sunflower dress begins to take in the bright Red . It had been my favourite piece of clothing. I shut my eyes tightly while I wait for the inevitable. Silent tears have turned into whimpering ,I am frightened, I have no strength left , I just groan. The mixture of beer and bleach I had taken earlier is coming up like bile, I can taste it , I let it flow out freely from the side of my mouth.
The inevitable is here, There is no going back to face the world . The most important call of my life would never be made, I open my eyes one more time to behold the brightness of the world that threw only darkness my Way, then I shut it for the last time ever.
