Published via Ecency

Dear Joe,

By the time you find this letter, I will be long gone. First, know that I am okay and please do not come looking for me. I wish I had the courage to tell you to your face, but we both know, I am not the only one. Don’t look for the scooter either, it is my getaway wheels. Ok, not quite, but I have it with me and I hope you will not begrudge me that. I have taken nothing else that is of value to you.

It feels like such a long time ago, another life when we carved that heart on the oak tree, professing our forever-afters. Remember the long walks and endless talks? Young and new love is just so magical, don't you think? We could not get enough of each other. We'd say goodnight, and then once we got home, we'd call each other and talk till we fell asleep. I remember all those times I'd wake up to hear you snoring on the other end of the line.

We believed our fate was written in the stars. How young and silly we were. But some people do live together forever, right? Could this have played out differently? I have wondered about all the different ways I could have made this work, like chess, moving the pieces around, strategizing. But it does take two to play chess and you stopped playing a long time ago. Besides, a relationship should not be this hard, should it? There should be no games, just a lot of heart making it work. But your heart isn't in it anymore.

That day I walked down the aisle, I truly believed in the kind of love fairytales are made of. My heart was so full, I was sure I would explode. I'm sure you felt it too, I saw it in your eyes, I felt it in your touch, I heard it in your voice. What I'd do to go back to those days.

Now I just feel numb and lost. It's funny, that others noticed before I did. Or maybe I did, but I had hoped that if I ignored it long enough, things would get back to the way they used to be. But it is time to stop playing make-believe. No one really tells you what happens after Cinderella fits the shoe or Sleeping Beauty wakes up to her prince charming. Maybe life hits them so hard, the rest of it is just a sad blur.

My decision to leave is not a spur of the moment, rage or even disappointment. I have spent the last seventeen months on how to take us back to the way it was. I even tried though you were oblivious to it. You were always tired or had things to do or finish. The thing is, I was tired too but I had so much hope. Not anymore. I gave hours, days, months weighing the pros and cons, and all I see right now are the pros of leaving.

I have followed you a few times on your runs along the river. I have seen you with her and I did my checks. Don't worry, I know you have not done anything that you shouldn't. But I have seen the way you look at her, that look that once belonged to me.

At first, I was very angry. I had all sorts of revenge plans, different endings, different from this one. The words I'd say, the tantrums I'd throw, the ultimatums I'd give. I wanted to make you pay for the hurt. I hated you. I don't hate you anymore, though I am not sure what I feel right now.

The day I realised you would never make that move to leave, that you were willing to be in limbo, neither here nor there is the day I made up my mind that I had to do it. I get it, you didn't want to be the bad guy, but I didn't want to be that sad girl. That was months ago though. It has taken all that I have to write this letter, to come clean and tell you everything. It has taken all my strength to prepare me for what's to come when I walk out that door.

I am guessing it should be about midnight now if your plane lands on time. I wonder how you'll feel about this letter. Will it be a relief? Is this your freedom ticket to be with her? You can now be the good guy who came back to an empty house and cry on her shoulder.

When I first found out, I had wanted to confront you. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew what I had to do. I really don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. Maybe you are angry, but I hope you will appreciate this silent departure instead of a head-on confrontation and the chance of words spewed in the spur of the moment that we'd regret later. We've had enough of those.

I will be staying at Mum’s for a while. I need some space to work things out. It has been "us" for so long, and now it is going to be just Malia and me. I know this isn't going to be easy, but it will be easier for me than having to stay in a non-existent relationship because of Malia. I understand that you would have never made that move to leave because of Malia and I appreciate that, but I will because of her. She deserves a happy mum, a sane mum and I cannot give her that knowing what I know.

I am not ready to see or speak to you as yet because I know you went with her on this business trip. Did something happen between you, I don't know, I don't care. I do really wish you all the best with her, without her, with someone else, it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Please give me a couple of weeks and I hope to be ready for us to meet and work things out amicably. Malia thinks we are staying at Mum’s for the holidays, and even though we are just 20 minutes away, please don’t come by. Please. You know how sensitive Malia is and she will pick up on the distress. You can call my phone to talk to Malia, of course, just message me to give me the heads up.

Sleep well Joe and goodbye.