Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

Today I finally got a news that I have been wishing for since I moved to Canada almost four years ago. Well, I wasn't waiting for the news literally for four years. I have only been waiting for the right timing.

When I moved from my home country I lost many people, habits, and hobbies. Since then I slowly assimilated, found some very dear people and have been successfully building my career in the chemistry field.

Still, something was missing. I tried sports. I joined many different sports disciplines and although I had a lot of fun, I didn't feel accomplished. Then I realized it. I don't feel passionate about sports.

What I was missing was a hobby I had for five years already but it has been put on pause for an undetermined amount of time.

Singing.

Now I know how long the pause was for. Four years.

Four long years of singing only in my car.
Four long years of humming away at work.
Four long years of humming away during dinner.
Four long years of prioritizing study and social life over singing.

However, there were many important steps on this road that I had to take before jumping into any fast decisions. I think this applies to any hobby. There has to be some research done before and the timing has to be right.

I moved to a new country almost four years ago. Everything was new and I had to first find a job to sustain my expenses. There was no time and also no spare money with which I could afford to sing in an ensemble.

A year passed. Once I saved up some money I had to rethink about my priorities. I could have found a choir and spent the money on that or I could take a look at the bigger picture.
So, as you can imagine, the bigger picture won and I spent my savings on the study.

During studying, especially in the beginning, there was not enough money for me to spend on hobbies. But most of all there was no time. That was my first time studying science in the English language and sometimes it took an extra effort.
At that time, singing was merely a faint nostalgia somewhere in the back of my head.

Summer break after my two finished semesters brought a bit of optimism back and I started looking into jazz choirs in my new home city.

This type of choirs are not too popular and at that time I only found information about one that resembled a group I was a part of once upon a time. I noticed they had a performance scheduled in the middle of May. I became very excited and bought a ticket for myself.
When the concert was over I was speechless and I wished I could once be a part of that on the stage instead of in the audience.

I spoke to two lovely ladies from the choir and asked if they need any more singers. They told me that they are a very stable group and they are looking only for some tenors. I was a bit disappointed to hear this although I already knew my financial situation could not bear the weight of this hobby.

Another year went by and I was again buying tickets to see the same ensemble. This time my boyfriend came along and we were both very impressed. I already accepted the fact that I won't ever be a part of it and didn't go through the same disappointment for the second time. I instead enjoyed my summer break working.

Then another semester was starting and it was time to study hard.
After, I managed to get a one-year internship which I am currently working on. This has been a nice break from school and a wonderful opportunity to earn some money (and spend it on road trips, traveling abroad and eating out) and re-think the bigger picture.

Two weeks ago, I saw a post that the jazz choir I have been admiring for years is seeking new members. I thought my heart will jump out of my chest.

I immediately booked an audition and waited. Then the doubts came into my head again. You will spend a lot of money on this, are you sure?, What if you won't have enough time when you will return to the last semester?, You didn't sing for four years, are you sure you can even get in with your rusty voice?.

And then I said to myself Go and try. If it is something they are looking for, you will get it. If not, you can go back to your life without any regrets.

Days before the audition were stressful for me. I was nervous. I didn't have a will to do anything although my head was so busy thinking. I was a mess.

I knew how badly I want to get it.

Not just for me but also for my family and friends. I was telling them many times that I used to sing but they have never heard me sing before. I have to show them I am still capable of that. Also, my parents were never able to hear me sing when I was a part of the ensemble before. I want to change it this time.

Then the big day came. Or rather, the twenty minutes of fame. I was more nervous about the audition than the job interview I had last October.

I came in, talked a bit about myself, sang a song I picked to sing, did some more singing exercises and left. I felt like a big stone fell from off my shoulders and all the stress was gone. What's done is done.

After three long days of hourly checking my e-mail, I saw the welcome message with more details about the practices and other information.

I feel happy about the opportunity the choir gave me. I think I finally found what I was missing.

The joy of singing.
The joy of driving to the rehearsals and returning even happier.
The joy of learning new songs.
The joy of performing to actual people on the stage.
The joy of improvement and brushing off the rust.