Sometimes, we lie to ourselves without even realizing it. Other times, we know exactly what we are doing. We trick our minds into drifting away from reality because reality can be scary. Reality can hurt and the lie feels safer and comfortable. Deep down, we know the truth, but we keep avoiding it because facing it would mean accepting to hurt ourselves. I have been in that place before. I lived in that lie for about two years. With time, I realized there was no point pretending anymore. There was no point lying to myself.
As a child, I wanted to pursue a career in healthcare and follow in my mom’s footsteps. It was a dream I nursed for years. I often imagined myself as a doctor prescribing drugs and treating patients. It felt nice. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to become in the future, I would say “ A doctor.” I held on to that dream for years. During my years in Junior high school, I worked towards achieving that goal. I had to get good grades to make the science department. And of course, I passed effortlessly.
I got into the science department where they started teaching us physics and chemistry and that was when everything changed. I didn't like physics and chemistry. I passed my tests and I had good grades even in exams, but deep down, I wasn't happy doing those subjects. If I wanted to pursue a career in sciences, I knew I had to remain in that class. But I just couldn’t. And then one day, I broke down and decided I was done nursing that dream. I was done with physics and chemistry. So I moved to Arts. Moving to Arts meant one thing; broken dreams. By doing so, I shattered the dream of becoming a doctor.
At that moment, it felt right. My mom asked if that was what I wanted, and when I told her I wasn't enjoying the science department, she supported my decision. At the time, whenever people asked me why I moved from science to arts, I would tell them that I wanted to. I would tell them that I wasn't enjoying physics and chemistry. It was a lie I told them. It was a lie I told myself. I didn't even realize I was lying to myself and to them until later in life. It was later that I realized that I didn't leave the science department because I didn't like or wasn't enjoying physics and chemistry, it was actually because I was scared of failure and I didn't put in enough effort.
That was it. I didn't enjoy the subjects because I didn't put in the effort and for two years, I kept avoiding the truth. But now, I have come to accept reality and from time to time, I keep wondering how my life would have turned out if I hadn't made that move.
The image used in this post is mine.
Thanks for reading.
