If I were to write my last words, my advice to my kids... it would be simply: there is no opinion or standard worth sacrificing your life. Nothing in life is that important. Everything that I regret about my life, every decision I've made that I wish I could take back... well, I did all those things, I suppose, up to this point just for you. I don't think I realized it at the time, but it turned out to be the case that I was living my life for other people and not myself. On some level, that's a good thing. Community is a good thing. Having a sense of belonging is almost a necessity. That's what I've learned. Yet, community has a way of demanding too much. For those of us who might feel a bit constrained by that, there is little room to much else. We obey; or we perish. It seems I have chosen to perish. I don't take that lightly. I don't mean that to sound as if I'm just looking for attention... I'm very self-conscious of that. Rather, I hope that by highlighting the excess of conformity that community often demands, we might realize that people need a little more than a sense of belonging. That is, quite frankly, something I crave. A sense of belonging is undoubtedly essential to the human psyche. Yet, I'm asking a little more than that...if I may.
I was born to a tribe. I have a place in this world. But, I've always felt as though my heart was elsewhere. My dreams were in some other place. And that's not to take for granted the fact that many people might consider me their friend or even just their neighbor...nonetheless, my heart has pushed me to look beyond that. I've longed to be a citizen of no country. I've longed to be a man of no nation. Yet, here I stand. Here I am. I can't erase where I've come from--nor do I want to. I embrace who I am; yet, I look elsewhere to actualize my individuality. Perhaps that's selfish of me.
In any event, it's the place that I've arrived at. I've seen much of this world. I've experienced quite a broad cross-section of the human experience and I feel myself quite privileged to have seen as much as I have been able to visit. It's not been a bad life. But, it's fallen short of what I've been promised. Perhaps if I had been raised to expect less of myself I'd be more satisfied right now. But I am not.
