FRIENDS: Lost Episode
The One at the Old Apartment in the Future
Written by Jennifer Sarah Ashley([email protected]) &
dj Kingsbury([email protected])
Interior: Kitchen
Ross (Gellar) has gray short hair and a mustache. He opens
the refrigerator door searching for something to drink & eat.
Ross:
(Frustrated) Nothing in here I want to eat. Why do bad things
happened to good people? Everything I wanted to eat and
drink has already been eaten.
Ross closes the fridge door, and opens the cupboard searches the cupboard.
Ross Continues:
I can never find the mug I want. Why do bad things happened to good people?
Ross pulls out a mug that has written on NOT YOUR MUG, THIS IS MY MUG.
He walks over to the fridge and pushes the water dispenser on the fridge filling the cup with water.
Ross Continues:
Oh I forgot the ice.
Ross walks over to the sink and dumps out some of the water, then he walks back over
to the fridge, fills the mug with ice splashing some water on his sweater.
Ross Continues:
Come on?! (Angrily) I got some water all over my brand new sweater.
Why do bad things happened to good people? Can no one fill a
mug of water anymore?
Ross puts down the mug, and brushes himself off.
Ross Continues:
This water better not stain or someone’s getting a nasty phone call letter-
well I’ll just be realllly, realllly, realllly, realllly, realllly MAD! !!
Ross stops cleaning his sweater, picks up the mug walks into the living room. He starts
to walk through the living room towards the bathroom, he turns around and walks back to the
the end table by the couch. He places the mug and fixes the skull head.
Interior: Living Room
A light from the apartment across from his window goes on.
Ross: (excited) Rozz Valerie Dworkin is home. She’s home. My daughter
who was born my son is home. She named herself after her heroines and
hero.Andrea Dworkin, Valerie Solanas & Rozz Williams. That’s my 25 year old
son, I mean daughter. I’m just used to him being a girl, I mean ready for her to be
a woman.
Close up on Ross looking confused.
Ross Continues:
I never really heard that out loud before. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I love both my daughters, I miss my son.
Close up on Ross holding back the tears.
Cut to across the street at Rozz’s apartment.
Interior: Living Room
Emma #2 a woman in her late 20s sits on the couch, she’s reading a magazine and laughing.
Rozz opens the bathroom door, smiles.
Rozz:
I feel lighter! !! (Laughs) I love that I’m a woman of 2022.
Emma #2:
You look sexy beautiful.
Rozz:
(Smiles) Aren’t you sweet? !!
Emma #2:
Thank you beautiful. I am enjoying our Improv classes.
Rozz:
So am I. Joseph Kyoanzenzqui is a great teacher. They have also
gotten me closer to my sister. Who I love.
Emma #2
Ya I am proud of you. It is a great thing to have a relationship
with yr family, beautiful.
Emma #2 walks over to Rozz, gives her a kiss on the lips. She wraps
her arms around Rozz and dips Rozz.
Rozz:
I love you.
Emma #2:
I love you too well, babe.
Emma #2 kisses Rozz even deeper till Rozz falls on her back behind the couch,
Emma #2 falls on top of her.
Cut to across the street at Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Ross walking back
from the bathroom, he walks over to the window, sees Rozz on her back.
Interior: Window of Ross & Rachel’s Apartment
Ross:
Oh how amziliantly sweet, my lil girl getting some action. At least it is with a girl,
well I mean to say woman. Well I hope a woman. You just don’t know a days.
But still calling a woman a girl is sexist, and infantile.
(Laughs) A woman with hair just like Emma.
Close up on Ross looking stunned.
Ross Continued:
A woman with a shirt I bought Emma.
Close up on Ross looking confused.
Ross puts his hand on the window and repeatedly hits the window.
Ross Continued:
NO! !! NO! !! NO! !! That’s yr sister…get off yr sister! !!
Ross quickly jaunts over to the phone and calls over to Rozzs apartment.
Ross Continued:
Why is no one picking up? Oh my gawwwwddd, no one is picking up.
Why is no one picking up the phone. No one is picking up the phone.
Ross screams incoherently into the phone
Ross Continued:
Yr having sex with yr sister. That’s yr sister. Get off yr sister.
Ross gently puts the phone down.
Ross Continued:
It went to voicemail, I got to get over there. I gotta call Monica and Chandler.
Cut to CENTRAL PERK IMPROV THEATER
Chandler and Monica sitting on the couch.
Chandler:
All I’m saying is that there is a woman president, finally.
Monica:
I liked her at first, but I don’t like her policies.
The lights go down.
Chandler:
OOOh the show is about to start, we will finish this later.
Monica:
Yes we will. I like talking about neighborhood politics with you.
Chandler:
You make politics fun sweat heart, otherwise they be boring.
Ursula walks up and puts some mugs on the table.
Ursula:
Here’s your order.
Chandler:
I ordered a UNICORN! !! This day is ruined.
Monica:
Honey that was mine.
Chandler looks at Monica
Chandler:
Not now hun.
Chandler looks back Ursula.
Monica:
I’ll just drink this UNICORN my dear.
Monica drinks the entire Unicorn in one sip.
Chandler:
Oh Monica.
Monica:
Guess I’m off my diet, that Unicorn tasted great. You can
have my water and Apple juice.
Ursula:
Tip.
Ursula holds out her hand.
Chandler:
You gave me the wrong drink.
Monica:
(Laughing) Chandler you took the wrong drink.
Chandler:
Why are you taking her side, I am yr husband?
Monica:
Man, we are lesbians. People have told me this but I just didn’t believe it.
Chandler:
Monica, I am hurt.
Chandler opens packets of sugar and hit them on the table. He takes some packets
of sugar and hits them on the table. He starts to open them and pours them one by one
into the mug of apple juice. He starts to stir intensely.
Chandler:
I am offended Monica. Monica I am offended. I am not whiney.
I could whine, but I am not whiney
Chandler takes some more sugar packets and hits them on the table.
He opens the packets and pours them one by one into the mug.
Chandler Continues:
I am all man, Oh I am all man. You my wife calling me a woman,
Ohhh HA HA! !!
Chandler stirs the spoon with force and chaotically.
Chandler Continues:
I am all man. Oh I am all man. I AM A MAN, when we get home,
and the kids are sleeping, I’ll show you how much of a man I am,
OOOOOOH I will. I’m a man. I’ll show you Monica that I am a man.
Chandler takes Monica hand and stand up. Two other men stand up mirroring
everything that Chandler does. Improvisers come on the stage and
everyone in the audience start to clap.
Chandler Continues:
I’m gonna take you home and show you I am all man.
Monica:
O Chandler.
Joeys Voice (OFF CAMERA)
SIT DOWN YOU JACK ASS! !!
Chandler and the 2 other guys mirroring him:
I’m trying to talk to my wife here.
Monica:
Chandler.
Chandler:
Hey you guys stop this. I don’t want an echo. This isn’t fun.
Monica:
Chandler! !! ChandLER! !! CHANDLER! !!
Chandler:
Your embarrassing my wife, and your children’s childrens! !!
I drank too much sugar. I am not feeling good at all.
Chandler sits down clenching his stomach.
Monica:
Chandler.
Chandler:
Yes hun.
Monica:
Chandler.
Chandler:
Yes yes.
The front door of the theater opens and Ross
rushes over to Chandler and Monica.
Ross:
Hey, MONDLER-
Chandler jumps up on the table screaming.
Chandler:
YES! !! YES! !! YES! !!
Chandler starts to stomp on the table.
Chandler continues:
YES! !! YES! !!
Chandler falls on his knees.
YESSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! !!
A woman stands up in the back.
Woman #1:
I’ll have what he’s having.
Joey stand center stage. Joey is big and heavy.
Joey:
SIT DOWN YOU JACK ASS! !!
Ross sits down. Chandler slowly steps down off the table and sits down.
Ross:
You don’t have to be be rude Joey. I was just coming to tell you guys that Rozz
has slept with her sister Emma. My daughters have slept with each other.
My Transsexual daughter and his cis sister, I mean her. I’m still not used to it.
My daughters are having sex. What have I done wrong? Why do bad things
happened to good people?
Chandler and Monica: OUCH! !!
Joey:
Good evening and welcome to the CENTRAL PERK IMPROV THEATER.
What you are about to see has never been seen before and shall never be seen again.
What you are about to witness is based on what just transpired in the last 3 minutes.
We are gonna take you all on a journey that starts in a back alley on a hot day as
the sun and moon struggle for control of the sky.
Joey walks to the back of the stage.
Ross:
Everything is out there now. Everyone knows my son is my daughter having sex
with my other daughter.
Monica begins to rub Rosses back.
Monica:
It can happen to anyone.
Ross:
I didn’t even talk to him for a few years. I really didn’t bring him around Emma.
Monica:
It’s not yr fault. It is still not as tragimatic as 2017.
Ross:
Ya, when Emma’s hamster died.
Monica:
Ya that is what I was talking about.
Ross:
I’m not telling mom or dad.
Monica:
Well neither am I.
Ross:
Well, well, well…I can’t tell them
Monica:
I’m not their father.
Chandler:
With modern the way it’s going, you could me. They will just take some of yr DNA
You could be someone’s father very soon. And I could be someone’s mom.
Monica:
Chandler.
Chandler:
I am a woman. We are lesbians.
Chandler takes Monicas hand.
Chandler Continues:
I am gonna show you I am man.
Ross:
Not right now. Not here. Not with my sister. OH my gawd,
I just remembered that Rachel is coming home now. We got to go stop them.
Cut to Ross and Rachel’s apartment.
Rachel walks in the apartment. She puts her purse on the couch. She walks into the kitchen.
Rachel:
Why did someone use my mug? Someone used my favorite mug.
My favorite mug has been used. It says RACHELS FAVORITE MUG.
I like that mug. I bought that mug for me. I need my mug.
Rachel rinses off the mug.
Rachel Continues:
EWWWWWWWWWWWW ROSSSSSS! !!
Rachel walks over to the fridge and pushes the button for water.
She fills it too high and sips it.
Rachel Continues:
Owe my tooth. My tooth owe. Tooth, owey.
Rachel pours some of the water out in the sink and goes back over to the fridge and pours
Ice into the mug spilling some water on her sweater.
Rachel Continues:
Ohhh ohhh ohhhh ahhhhh I hope this water doesn’t stain? Why is this happening to me?
This has not been a good day for me! !!
She walks into the living room. She puts her cup down on the table. She touches the other cup.
Rachel Continues:
Still Cold. And the skull is perfectly symmetrical with the table. Something happened here.
Ross, Ross, Ross are you here?
Rachel runs to the bedroom
Rachel Continues:
ROSSS, Ross, ROOSSSS! !! No one is here. I am all alone. I am all alone.
I am home alone. I’ve made my family disappear. I’m ordering a pizza.
I’m gonna go crazy and order pineapple. No double pineapple and quadruple
cheese with double mushroom.
Rachel picks up the phone and calls the pizza place.
Rachel Continues:
Hola. Yes, I’ll have the Rachel Special. Yes that is the address. Yes,
that is a Rachel special. Yes one extra-large pizza with triple pineapple,
quadruple cheese and double mushroom. Ya I am going crazy tonight,
I kicked my shoes off. I am home alone, I got the white wine chilling…
And I am ready for the Rachel Special.
Rachel looks out the window.
Rachel Continues:
O my gosh, that is yr sister. That’s yr sister who was born yr brother who
is now yr sister after her sex change. Yr kissing yr sister. Get off yr sister.
EWWWWW get off yr sister. No I am not watching the new Donald Trump
sex tape, that was his daughter anyway. No im not watching porn, no I’m not
watching a French film, no I’m not watching a day time talk show…it’s the
freaking tragimatic soap opera that is my life…take yr time, hurry up, the choice
is your don’t be late…no that wasn’t to you, I had some song come in my head.
I forget the name of the band, I think it was the same band who did Sk8er Boi, no,
I don’t know who it was. Sorry mr. Pizza guy, I don’t need to know who David Bowie is.
I just want my pizza in the next 2 hours. Just give me some time, I got something
I need to deal with. Sk8er Boi was done by Avirl Lavigne, and I sang a nirvana song.
I just want my pizza.
Rachel softly hangs up the phone, and runs out the door.
Cut to the front door of the Monica’s old place.
Ross is about to knock on the door. Rachel comes up behind Ross and screams.
Rachel:
OOOOONAGI! !!
Rachel says in a a deep, as she puts hers nails in Rosses back. Ross screams really
high pitched.
Rachel:
I got you.
Ross:
Ya oh Ya, this isn’t time for practical jokes! !! You know I hate practical jokes.
Rachel:
I know that practically well. I am funny. I should do Improv. I met some
guy from from Pittsburgh on the way over here. His name is Joseph Kyoanzenzqui.
He was talking about Improv in Pittsburgh. He studied there at Steel City improve,
Arcade Comedy and Unplanned Comedy Theater. Then he moved back to
NYC to start his own theater, he said there isn’t enough improve in NYC. (all excited)
He wanted to start an Improv Troupe with me. (All angrily) Yea what is yr kid
doing to my kid?
Ross:
(sarcastically)Ya he wants to do some “Improv” with you. (angrily)You want to
know men, I’ll show you men. I don’t know what they are doing but don’t look
behind you.
Rachel:
This isn’t the time Ross “Master Salmon Skin Roll” Gellar
Rachel laughs loudly.
Chandler walks up behind Rachel. She moves a bit and knocks Chandler down.
Rachel goes to help him up.
Chandler:
I am a man. I am a man. I’ll get myself up.
Monica reaches her hand to Chandler. Chandler mouths some words to Monica.
Chandler Continues:
Thank You.
Chandler picks himself up with the help from holding unto Monica.
Chandler Continues:
I am a man.
Ross and Rachel and Monica:
Yes Ms. Chanandler Bong.
Chandler:
HA HA HA- I am not the ones with kids having sex in the next room
with each other.
Monica:
Chandler.
Chandler:
Wouldn’t it be gross if they had kids. Come out all deformed.
Monica:
Chandler:
The kids have like one eye and a flipper like something out of
Flowers in the Attic, when the daughter had sex with the father.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! !!
Monica:
Chandler.
Chandler:
What Mon?
Monica:
What did we talk about?
Chandler:
I am sorry Rachel and Ross that yr kids are having sex with each other.
Ross:
It’s ok. I am a little hurt.
Rachel:
Well ya yr child has defiled my child. And how dare you Chandler? !!
Rachel hits Chandler and he falls down. Monica reaches out her hand
and picks Chandler up.
Monica:
I got you my Mrs. Chanandler Bong! !!
Chandler:
I like hearing you say that Monica! !!
Monica and Chandler kiss. Monica dips Chandler and he falls on his back.
Monica falls on him.
Rachel:
This isn’t helping you guys.
Ross:
Ya guys, be mature.
Rachel:
Why did you use my mug?
Ross:
This isn’t the time for that HUN! !!
Rachel:
It’s the perfect time. Don’t deflect from my question.
Ross:
I’m not deflecting from yr question Rach! !! This isn’t the time when
both my kids are having sex with each other.
Rachel:
Ya yr kid is a bad influence on my kid. That man in a dress.
Ross:
You can be more understanding than this Rachel… what about what I am
going through. These are both of my kids. I’m still mourning the death and
loss of my son. I love my dead transsexual son.
Monica:
She’s not dead.
Chandler:
Ya SHE is in the next room. Be more understanding Ross.
Ross:
What about what I am going through with this? This isn’t what I wanted
for my child. This isn’t what I wanted for my son.
Chandler:
You don’t get to decide who or what yr child is.
Ross:
Shut up Chandler. Not today.
Rachel:
Ya shut up Chandler. Not today.
Ross:
Chandler you just don’t understand what we are going through with this.
Chandler stands up pulling up his pants.
Chandler:
If anyone knows what yr going through it is me. I did lose my father to transsexualism! !!
Chandler starts to cry.
Chandler Continues:
I needed my father, but I got SHE…she was there instead of him. I had to
accept the beauty of her change.
Ross:
YR RIGHT! !!
Phoebe walks up behind Chandler and taps Chandler on the shoulder.
Chandler freaks out and hits his head on the wall and falls down.
Chandler:
Don’t do that to me, I’m fragile.
Joey walks up sweating and out of breath.
Joey:
Yeah Chandler does bruise like a peach, he bruises like a peach…
…LIKE A PEACH! !!
Phoebe:
You guys missed a great show tonight. Joey was great. Especially when
he said the funny line “All U.S. foreign military bases should be closed
and made into Punk/Goth/Improv bars and libraries. That would change the world.”
Joey:
Ya it was so fun, I get a high from Improv. We had a new player tonight.
His name is Joesph Kyoanzenzqui. He is from Pittsburgh, and he studied
Improv at the Steel City Improv Theater, Arcade Comedy Theater and
Unplanned Comedy Theater. He came home to NYC to start his own theater.
Thank you Ross for all that great material
Rachel:
Ya I met him.
Ross:
I’m glad my life can get you laughs Joey. Ya my wife met Joesph.
He wants to date her.
Rachel:
He doesn’t want to date me. He just wants to start an Improv group.
WAIT, wait, WAIT-
Ross:
Wanting to start an Improv group is just euphemism for wanting to have sex.
Joey:
That is so not right Ross.I’m going to get the pizza.
Rachel:
Joey get back here.
Joey:
I need Pizza! !!
Joey turns around and starts to walk towards the stairs. He sits on the stairs.
Joey:
I’ll get that pizza later.
Rachel:
Ross,what did you say?
Ross:
Everything.
Rachel:
Ross…Ross…Ross… I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. I had the pizza guy
on the phone. Cause I was home alone. I ordered an Extra-large pizza with
quadruple cheese, triple pineapple and double mushroom. Like I always do
when I am home alone.
Ross:
EWWWWWWWWWW
Monica:
EWWWWWWWWWW
Chandler:
Yuck.
Phoebe:
That’s what I order. Hey we are pissa sistas.
Rachel:
For life Phebes! !! Well buttercups, you peed on her, he peed on you.
Chandler:
Seriously. You have to bring that up.
Monica:
Ya way would you bring that up. That’s like 20 years ago.
Joey:
Joseph was telling me that he loved this woman for 20 plus years.
He didn’t have sex with anyone. He’s a nice guy.
Ross:
That’s just weird, odd and not normal.
Rozz opens the door.
Rozz: You Rang.
Ross:
What is going on in there? Why are you 2 having sex?
Rachel:
Ya why are having sex with my daughter?
Phoebe:
You know this reminds me of that time we went into the
past that one time.
Ross:
This isn’t the time Phebes.
Rachel:
Ya phebes, this isn’t the time. O my pizza. Joey can you go get my pizza.
Joey:
Pizza Ya.
Ross:
He’ll eat all yr pizza.
Rachel:
The pizza guy can wait.
Joey:
Yinz guys could trust me.
Ross:
Yinz?
Joey:
I’m practicing Pittsburghese.
Ross:
O wow! !!
Ross just walks through and starts searching the living room. There is a
flush from the bathroom. Emma #2 walks out of the bathroom rubbing
her stomach.Walks over to Rozz and kisses her.
Emma #2: I feel lighter.i love being a woman in 2022.
Rachel:
That isn’t my daughter.
Ross:
That isn’t Emma.
Rozz:
You two thought I was having sex with Emma.
Emma walks in.
Emma:
Why wasn’t I called for this party?
Rozz:
Listen to this one sis.
Emma:
Ok.
Rozz:
The ‘rents thought we were having sex.
Emma:
Ewwwwwww.
Rozz:
Ya that is kinda sick.
Ross:
Well…
Rachel:
I have a pizza I need to go eat.
Rachel walks out the door.
Rozz:
You know dad I can’t believe you would think that of me. I would never do
such a thing. I didn’t see Emma for years. But I know my sister. I wouldn’t
have sex with my sister. That isn’t cool. It was unfair you guys never came
around me. I figured out my life on my own. I heard your entire conversation
out there. No matter what I do I still am yr child. You did nothing wrong dad.
This is who I am. Even if you were completely in my life, I would still be a transsexual.
You have to get over what you want for me. And just accept who I am. Who I am is ok,
I am a good person. I am a happy person. She, He or It I am a good person. I may not be
what or how you pictured and wanted but this is me.
Rozz walks over to the fridge. She pulls out a mug. She puts some ice in and pours some water in it. Some of the water spills on her shirt.
Rozz:
I hope this water won’t stain.
Ross walks over to Rozz and hugs her.
Ross:
I love you my daughter as you are. Always remember that water don’t stain, water dries.
But you, Rozz are in my heart forever.
Pheobe:
This definitely reminds me of the time we traveled back to Germany in 1939. Crazy time.
Joey:
I remember that.
Cut to the Central Perk Improv Comedy Theatre
Everyone is sitting around the couches. Ursula walks up.
Ursula:
Tip.
Phoebe:
You haven’t even served us yet, or taken our order.
Ursula:
So yr daughters had sex.
Ross:
No. Why? No. Why?
Chandler:
I would like to order a unicorn. Actually 2 unicorns.
Pheobe:
This so reminds me of when we went back in time to Germany 1939. Great Times.
Joey:
I remember.
Phoebe:
I know you do Joey. I remember as well.
-fade out-
