Hmm, I don't even know how to start this properly, to be honest, guys.
My exam is going on and it's been….strange. Sometimes, I have this feeling that I'm in control, like I have got this but then, after a few minutes, I'm hit with these weird thoughts in my head. I'd feel like everything I have read seems to vanish and I am just sitting there staring at my note like I was not the one who wrote these things.
I have added to my bucket list that exam periods always come with its own stress but this one feels heavier when compared to other exams that I have written so far. Maybe because this is my final year. Maybe it's because there's a lot going on at once such as my classes, clinicals, and personal stuff. Or should I say that my brain is just overreacting. Who knows?
There was this day last week, I think. I can't forget how I had prepared hard for my clinical posting, only to stand in front of my chief and blank out. Honestly this made me to question myself if I have ever opened my books. With my smile, I stood there trying to remember the name of the test I had been reciting just a few hours before . I can't forget that moment not because I was embarrassed ( even although I was), but due to the self doubt that I have been carrying around since.
Even lately, I began to ask myself whether I was cut out for all these. Not just physiotherapy, but this whole path I'm on. I mean, I love to learn, I equally enjoy helping people and I know deep down that I care about this field….but honestly, sometimes,it feels like I'm not good enough. Like I am kind of faking my way through these things and it's only a matter of time before everyone finds out.
Funny thing is, I believe I know I'm not the only one in this kind of shoe. I have had small chats with a few course mates and I wasn't surprised that some of them feel exactly the same way I feel. We are all trying to hold it together and pretend like we have figured out some funny formula to survive. But it's all about surviving one hour at a time. After learning this, the impression gave me a bit of comfort. Like maybe, I'm not failing. Maybe after all, I'm just human.
For our examiners, they don't care about your mental health. They don't care if you have been struggling with sleep or if your brain has been refusing to cooperate. All they need is the answer and they must be precise, correct. And if you don't deliver, then you will step down, to show that you didn't do enough. It's harsh but real.
In all these, I'm glad that I'm still, somehow pushing through. I wake up, I pray to God, I study, I doubt myself, I keep studying. Some days I do well, other days, I barely make it past a few pages. But I haven't stopped and that matters a lot. that's me fighting, even when I feel like I have got nothing left in me.
I am trying my best to be kinder to myself. To stop measuring my worth by grades or perfect answers. To accept that some days won't be easy at all. Some days, I'll forget what I read. Some days, I'll get things wrong. But that doesn't erase all the days I got it right.
Anyways, I only wanted to let this out. Not every post has to be about success or victories. Sometimes, it can be about being honest about where you are, and today, this is where I am.
Thanks for sticking around. I really appreciate your time here, reading this till this very end.
