Being a mother and a wife bags you with lots of responsibilities and I must confess that it isn't as easy at it looks. Sometimes, I just want to rewind to when it was just all about me and no one else. No wonder my mum use to say that I should appreciate my single hood back then. I didn't understand what that meant until now.
I recently started a course on pastry making and it has been taking a lot of my time. I only get to have some time off only on Sundays and even at that, I still do some house work and cook meals that would be enough for the rest of the week. Quite exhausting I must say.
I was suppose to attend my classes today, but luckily we were told that there will be no lectures today. Reason being that our Head chef gave birth this morning. So everyone was given some kind of holiday to celebrate the good news. Good news indeed for me because I will get to bond with my child after all.
She woke up this morning and I rushed to greet her and kiss her pretty face. I haven't done that in a while because I get to leave in the morning and come home when she is asleep. She saw me and started crying. I didn't understand why she did that. When her dad came in, she stopped crying and allowed him soothe her. My heart sank. I tried carrying her again and she cried again.
The fact that my daughter doesn't want to be with me again makes me hate myself so much. Am I being selfish to even leave her to go get a skill? I am wondering what I should do? I am so hurt and wish I never left her in the first place. I love my daughter so much that it feels like I betrayed her this moment. She hasn't let me touch her ever since. I am jealous and angry at the same time.
She is so relaxed with her father. It feels like I am only useful when she is hungry and after that it is a goodbye from her. Maybe I am a bad mum. Maybe I am being too selfish to consider myself first before her. She is so innocent and shouldn't go through this whole thing of feeling my absence. I am going crazy looking at her laughing whilst playing with her dad.
But I just want to improve on myself. I want to learn this skill because I have always wanted to do pastries perfectly. My husband and I talked about it first and he agreed to baby sit for the little period. He is on work leave and that's suppose to be a huge relieve for me. The thought of leaving my child to a complete stranger wears me off. But I have seen that leaving her with her dad is almost making me traumatized.
What do I do to make her smile at me again and want to stay in my arms?. I miss my daughter so much. It feels like we are apart right now.
