Intra-Reflections

I no longer have time, as I did when I lost my only sibling. In a strange way, I used to enjoy sitting and brooding over the unfortunate events that occurred, and how I felt I could have done a lot more to change many of the outcomes. It is been over a year, and I am starting to have problems of my own.

These problems take up a lot of space in my mind, and sometimes 24 hours is not enough to deal with them.

For one thing, I have been to as many hospitals in the last 8 months as I have in my entire life, and I have spent more money on medications than I have in the past, but I am happier that all of the stress of the day allows me to crash into bed and sleep better than when I had nothing to do and was essentially thinking about how strangely lonely my life has become.

Everything in life is a compromise. For example, I would rather worry about being broke than worry about my other life issues; while it is all worry, I believe the former is better for me.

Time helps you grieve and worry, and not having enough of it these days is surprisingly beneficial to me. It is a better trade-off for me, but I am not sure how things will change in the next month or so.

I like how my life is streamlined, and I have eliminated a lot of unnecessary distractions. My life is quieter both inside and out, and while this may feel lonely, it actually provides a lot of clarity. It actually means that I know what and who I am. I may have been living in ignorance of so many things, but one advantage of knowing is that it allows you to see things more realistically.

This does not imply that I spent the entire day thinking about the big issues or the elephant in the room. Sometimes I am happy to go for a walk, worry about the small bills I need to pay, go grocery shopping for the next day, and put off the anxiety of hospital visits until the time comes.

For example, yesterday I celebrated 7 years of Hive, and it was not all good memories, as I reflected on the loss of some very good people on this chain. So, even though it was a significant achievement for me, there were moments of reflection about the losses that had occurred.

It implies that happy moments are not entirely happy, and sad moments are not completely devoid of silver linings.

Despite all of my losses, I am glad to have gained some clarity about the state of my life and the true state of my health, which I keep in the back of my mind every day when I wake up. Does it not worry me that my life is no longer as free as it once was? It does, but I am relieved that nothing will likely take me by surprise.

I am aware of many issues that bother me, and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about them.

I have hope.

I am trying to find my place in the midst of the chaos without relying on the clarity of a motivational pep talk. I have hope that bad things will not be completely bad, and that in all of the unfortunate things that have happened to me, there will be a spark of something different that is not entirely bad.

Right now, I am hoping to ride the bull market and make some decisions that will benefit my family, provide some stability, and secure one important aspect of life that has been keeping me on edge. Life is about taking responsibility, and despite my various psychological and physiological disabilities, I want to do things differently than how they were done for me.

Following this, I intend to settle many issues and embark on my own journey of discovery. It is not like I am healed; I fight monsters when I go to bed, but fortunately, on days when I am really tired, I sleep like a log, but I am grateful to God for the opportunity to know so much about what is going on with me.

So I usually pray for busy days rather than less busy days because it allows me to sleep, pray, and have the faith I need to keep going.