I can deny anything except the chaos inside me.
It's not a matter of being strong or weak or choosing one part over another, it's simply accepting I've never resolved who I am .
I have the misfortune of loving two beautiful women―one a mystic, the other a muse and my tragic flaw being unable to choose.
Like Lear, I feel like I've pared my wits on both sides leaving nothing in the middle.
I'm downstairs with Angelica while Brooke is up in her room crying and I can't bring myself to find a resolution. This is what I dreaded from the beginning, sharing the cabin with two women, trying to rescue both from the grip of the Beast.
It's the very thing Breton warned me against―any type of division that would give demons a foothold from which to attack us.
And I no sooner think it when I hear Brooke scream and am instantly on my feet running upstairs to her room.
It crosses my mind to watch for spectres but no shadowy demons line the hallway. I burst into her room and she runs to my arms pale and shaken.
'"It's okay," I console her, "I'm here―you're safe."
"G-get me out of here," she shivers.
I out one arm around her as I usher her out and downstairs to the den. Angelica wraps a cover around her and stays beside her on the couch while I make coffee.
By the time I return she's managed to calm down.
I hand her a steaming mug. "What happened, Brooke―why did you scream?"
"Outside the window I saw hideous faces peering in―they were filled with hatred."
Angelica looks soberly at me. "It must be your friend, Breton, praying a hedge of protection around us. The good news is they're outside and can't get in."
I nod. "He warned me not to allow any root of bitterness to take hold, or division come between us. I'm sorry, Brooke, for hurting your feelings."
She shook her head. "It's not your fault, Zach. I accept you're attracted to Angelica. I just thought we had an understanding. Guess I was mistaken."
Angelica intervened. "It's not as simple as that, Brooke. I confided something personal to Zach and he was comforting me when you came down. He wasn't betraying you. I just thought you should know."
Brooke looked embarrassed. "Now I feel foolish for over-reacting."
I went over and put an arm around her. "I should have followed you upstairs right away and explained, but I was frozen. I would never intentionally hurt or betray you, Brooke. We all need to be strongly bound together. We don't need demons coming between us."
I gave Angelica a meaningful glance to let her know I was thankful. Her quick intervention avoided what could have been a major rift among us.
Of course her explanation didn’t solve the problem but just avoided a dramatic confrontation. I still had to decide between the two—the same way I had to resolve my struggle with matter and spirit.
But what I didn’t need was to be engaged in battle with one arm tied behind me. Breton rescued me again but it might be a different outcome if a patrol came intent on finding me.
I needed to stop being my own worst enemy. The best way to do that was to avoid intimacy with anyone until I settled in my own mind what I wanted.
