They’re in each other all along.
― Rumi
Seeking Security
The farm where we felt safe and snug was now exposed and vulnerable. Yes, we had units patrolling the grounds, but we were no longer unassailable and sheltered from harm.
There was always the sense of being watched, our movements tracked by both friend and foe. And worst of all, we were back where we started―Jim and Robyn had alibis.
We lost our suspects but still remained a target. It was the worst outcome imaginable, other than being killed, which we almost were. And now we're hiding in fear, our anonymous sniper at large.
Even Maggie's cowering on the couch. Yeah, it sucks.
"Let's go over the facts again," I encouraged Clare.
She winced in pain. "Do we have to, Cam? I have a splitting headache."
I looked at her furrowed brow and dull-eyed stare. "No, We've been through a lot today―you need sleep. Take Maggie with you and call it a night."
"What are you going to do―sleep as well?"
"I'll make hot chocolate and relax before the fire. If I fall asleep on the couch, that'll be a bonus. Just wake me when you get up."
"I will," she whispered and bent down and kissed me. "Don't stay up too late and end up exhausted."
But when she was upstairs and safely tucked in, I sat sipping chocolate and staring into the flames, seeking to solve the riddle.
Could there be a third person―an accomplice we hadn't identified―perhaps, Bob Henderson, Jim Barnes' partner?
I got out my laptop and went online and checked the duty roster. Henderson was in the detachment when the shooting happened.
It seemed everywhere we turned, there was a dead end.
Exhausted, I finally fell into a fitful sleep marked by flashes of Sarah and I together and dreams of our past. It was heart-rending. I spent the night in Sarah's arms only to awake in the morning in Clare's. It was so confusing and unnerving.
I din't tell Clare, of course―how could I? You're not responsible for your dreams and telling her would just depress her. She can't compete with the dead, nor should she.
I know I love Clare and intend to marry her, but Sarah has built a stronghold in my soul and it seems cruel to forcibly evict her.
It's one thing to move on and an entirely different thing to exorcise a ghost.
I believe over time, this will naturally resolve. Clare will tend to dominate my thoughts and Sarah will retreat into the background. I don't know how I know this―maybe it's a convenient lie I tell myself, or maybe it's Sarah consoling me.
Regardless, I'm learning how to let go of everything but Clare's hand and the sense of her fist balled up in mine is already an experience so familiar it seems other-worldly.
And maybe that's the supreme irony of all―Clare was never just an addition to my life or replacement for Clare. I feel meeting her was Fate and in some way she has always been there, been in me from the beginning.