Learning How to Forgive in Difficult Situations
In an earlier article regarding forgiveness [“The Power of Love and Forgiveness”], we spoke about the importance for the victim of abuse, Sociopathy, or neglect to learn how to forgive, and to focus their lives more on Love rather than on fear and anger. This article will cover some practical ways in which you can learn to get on the path to forgiveness, and to further realize it’s importance for your mind, body and spirit.
You don’t own the pain you continue to hold onto
First off, we have to realize that you do not own the pain that lingers (that energy belongs to the perpetrator), however we do own the responsibility of releasing this negative energy. What I mean by that, is that we tend to hold onto pain for many years when something like this happens, and it is our choice to allow it to consume us (allowing the abuse to continue), or to choose instead to begin to dig it out of the dark corners of your soul. The process of digging it out, is one that takes a lot of time meditating and soul searching, and it also takes a powerful level of strength, faith, love and forgiveness. To get to the point of forgiveness however, we naturally try to understand or make sense of what happened to some extent. Looking at this from a spiritual mindset can definitely be helpful in many cases, especially those where the background of the perpetrator can never be known.
You cannot hold onto anger forever
To hold anger forever does not help people get past the pain, but instead addressing the anger head on will allow you to eventually come to a place of peace and happiness again. It may seem counterintuitive to forgive a perpetrator, but that is exactly what must be done in order to heal. The way we can do this, is to try to understand, learn or contemplate what it must have been like for the perpetrator of the crime growing up themselves. Really meditate on this, and try to relate it to exactly what happened to you as well. Are they a sociopath, or was there some other kind of mental condition brought on by the same exact behavior perpetrated on them, many years in their past? This is definitely not to excuse the continuation of what has happened, but rather it serves the purpose of allowing the victim to come to some level of peace, and to move past it, no longer using it as an excuse to be held back in their lives out of anger, fear, guilt, shame, or embarrassment etc.
Strength comes through faith and understanding
Mostly this strength will come through the power of faith; faith in something that rises above all else. Call it God, call it Buddha, Shiva, Source or whatever, as all labels really point to the same loving energy that makes us a part of the one infinite creator. The one thing we have to realize is that no matter what has happened, that in order for Humanity to ascend to the next levels of spirituality, and for the victim to stop the after effects of abuse, we have to start thinking about the power we have in Faith, love, forgiveness, and the clear understanding our lives purpose. Much can be derived through the process of mediation, and listening to your higher self, of a spirit guide.
This may not sound easy, or even possible
As bad as it might seem to say: I feel that sometimes bad things can happen to good people, to allow us to experience the contrast that exists in this world for the purpose of our own spiritual growth, and for the work we may do with helping others prevent this sort of thing, or for them to heal through the knowledge of our own experiences. If we later shift our focus away from anger and self-preservation (after internalizing the pain for so many years after a negative event), and into a mindset of solution oriented service to self and others, we can begin to realize that we have great healing power with sharing our most intimate stories with others. In allowing yourself to be vulnerable with the right people and on the right platform… we can help others realize the same tools and methods of survival that you employed to get up each morning, to live a successful life, and to realize that there are steps which can be taken to help solve all of our life problems, such as bringing a perpetrator to justice if necessary. If you don’t have that means of justice, you can find justice in deciding to not let that abuse continue through perpetual control over your emotions and relationships.
Align yourself with those that can help
I’m not talking about steps taken “in a vigilante way” (all that does is harden your own heart allowing the perpetrator full lifetime control over your soul), but rather I’m talking about aligning with people who have the power to really help you (with perhaps groups like this one). This help can also come through doing social service research for assistance, talk therapy, meditation, legal means, civil service offices, or through outreach programs in your community. When you begin to take real action, you begin to feel empowered, and will begin the journey towards your healing and forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean we forget however, so let’s not sight of that very important point. So, in this case, if we do shift towards helping share with others what you’ve done and continue to do with recovery, we are not only helping that other person, we are releasing so much that gets held inside. If you’ve not yet resolved this situation, knowing that you intend on resolving it (The power of intention Dr. Wayne Dyer), and are devising a plan to address it; this will give you so much personal power in knowing your intention and conviction will not allow you to ever give up (success is in taking action reflective of self-love). Devising a stepwise plan to address your situations ln life, will make you feel so much more power over the situation in the long term, and will ultimately be the process that will bring back your freedom.
There are different levels and kinds of abuse
There are so many different levels of abuse, including bullying by your peers in your formative (or current) years etc., and it still means having to come to a place of forgiveness, and never allow the abuse to continue through harboring extreme hate. If we look at everyone as being here to learn (including those perpetrators), and sometimes our paths cross with some really negatively motivated individuals, then we can begin to realize the power we have through the act of forgiveness… at a time when we have more control over the environment we are placed into, and with whom we associate with.
Take an inventory of your emotions and reactions
A first place to start is to take an inventory (perhaps through journaling) of your emotions and reactions to the situations in your daily life. Just simply list out all of your emotions good or bad throughout the day, and be mindful of how it makes you feel, and also what you might have been thinking about during those moments where your emotions shifted to a negative path. Then make a list of the events that had happened to you in the past, that might be acting as sensitivity triggers. Try to then meditate for guidance on how to clearly link up the negative emotions and reactions, to the events that might have happened in the past. Then the next step is in looking for patterns of these linking of events in the past. Once you have clearly identified those links and repeated patterns, you have to then begin the work of unlinking those behaviors. The first form of unlinking happens when we come from a place of source consciousness.
This interview from Abraham and Dr. Wayne Dyer, has some amazing nuggets relative to the law of attraction, and purpose, and the reasons that sometimes negative things happen for our own growth. There is no free HD version of this, but you can get the HD version from HayHouse if you have a subscription there.
So how do I unlink from my negative emotional triggers and reactions
We do this by first identifying the patterns, and changing the way we think in the very moment there’s a shift toward a negative emotion. Essentially what we do at this time, is choose consciously to replace a negative thought with a positive one. We have to first remember that this event is not still happening to us. if this is not the case, and rather things are still happening, then begin first with building your list of intentions of ways to possibly address it. You have to take action immediately, no matter the danger… because the danger of doing nothing is far worse than any risk of reaching out to a trusted authority, group or individual. We are talking of course about reaching out to friends, the police, or other family members, or to community services, and social services groups to help you. If you live in a small community without a lot of services, you can create your own support group that meets at your local Church, or through websites like meetup.com, or through forming groups here on this website for support and help. Once you have some practical steps figured out with how you will get this to stop, then you can then move onto the next steps of healing.
The effects of abuse can last a lifetime if we let it
The effects of abuse can last a lifetime, and will likely never be completely forgotten, but mitigating the effects of abuse, requires some really tough introspection to begin to heal and to let it go from our everyday consciousness. Part of that introspection, is with the realization of the humanity in all of us, and that “we are all one” not separates from each other. This reminds us of the statement Jesus gave when he was on the cross “forgive them Father, for they know not what they do!”. This was a very powerful statement, and an extreme example of the level of forgiveness it takes for people to truly be one with source, or god. Realizing the humanity in others, does not in any way exclude the perpetrator from Karma, or justice, but that in truly getting to this point… we are able to release the responsibility and need to hold onto the negative energy that can follow us around for a lifetime if we let it. It also can release our need to always react and feel like perpetual victims of life, rather than to focus on looking for opportunities to help others, and to grow ourselves in the process.
It's okay to have anger at times, but work to move past it
It is perfectly normal to have some anger for a period of time, but it’s not okay to keep this as your permanent field of being. You may have noticed when looking at your patterns: many times, if we do hold negativity in our hearts for too long, we end up with such a low vibration, that all we do is keep attracting into our lives, the exact same kinds of people and situations. This is our test, to make sure we are learning to make conscious decisions, and to be fully aware of the consequences of each decision before making it. Some people who have been abused, tend to get stuck into negative or self-destruction behavior, or behaviors of addiction and escape. It is common for the abused to turn to substance abuse, sex addiction, pornography, eating disorders in order to try to temporarily numb down the pain, or to fill a void in their lives, rather than to deal with it head on. The Band-Aid approach is not ever going to get to the root of the problem, and that approach may in fact lead to a very negative outcome, if not a loss of your life.
The spiritually mature, know the power of faith and knowledge of source
They know this because they had to look within at one point in their lives, most likely because they had hit what is called “rock bottom”. Maybe many of the folks reading this, can relate to that moment in their lives where great change had occurred, and much of the time it was after a major breakdown, or hitting “rock bottom”. After an event like that, you will either decide to lay down and die, or get up, dust yourself off, and get busy realigning yourself with a newly found positive focus. I hear so many people in social groups, complaining about being a victim, and much of the time, they have never been taught how to value themselves. Learning to value who you are right now as a person, is very important. However, if you feel great loathing for yourself, you have to remember one thing. The fact that you are loathing at all about yourself, means you are not mentally ill, but rather you are likely a victim of your own bad decisions, or the bad decisions of others. We have to continually keep coming back each and every time life pulls us down. If we stop looking at those moments as hindering us, and rise each time to the challenge, and continually rewrite your next steps, you begin to shape a new character, and this process will bring out your true nature. All of our true natures, is to be a survivor, and to thrive in the world that we are all entitled to for our success and happiness.
One of the hardest stories of survival is
One of the hardest stories of survival, is when a mother and/or father has to make the tough decision to give up a child for adoption, because of many different legitimate social and economic reasons. This is just one example, of the greatest love a mother or father could give; and that is honesty with themselves about what they are capable of in that moment, and with their hopes for that Childs future. Now someone in this situation might afterwards look poorly on themselves for having allowed adoption. It will take the same kind of love for yourself, to learn to forgive in that situation, and to learn that it is okay to allow yourself to have happiness moving forward (we all deserve happiness).
Your focus in this case is with knowing that you can only accomplish this level of happiness… with self-forgiveness, and self-love. Knowing that we all come into this life, with a sort of mapped out list of goals to accomplish, should help in realizing that there are no accidents in this life. All circumstances are created in this life for our own spiritual growth, and for our own ability to have compassion for others in this life. Some of these kinds of situations we agreed to before we came into this life, and some we are manifesting as we are here through our own free will, and our attitudes. So, there is an overarching plan, and then we can veer off of the main plan from time to time… to get in a few new lessons, or we could be stuck on some old lesson patterns for far too long, making our original plan have to span multiple lifetimes to accomplish.
In one of our next articles, we’ll talk about the scientific proof of multiple lifetimes, and what that means for your current life!
We will continue to write on this subject in the future, so stay tuned!
Namaste!
John Ashley
