I was transported to a dark time. This should be a happy post, or it’s supposed to be. But something happened yesterday that made me sad, incredibly reflective but also humbled me beyond belief.
So, I attended a dinner night hosted by one of the student chambers in my Faculty, and although the night turned out to be amazing, prior to the dinner itself and during the preparations, I was at my friend’s, preparing for the event, and then her friends (who I’d never met before) came over as well.
Now, I can’t go into details but I’ll try to explain how things went down with illustrations. There’s something about having a stature that’s not as big as those your age and a face that makes you look at least three years younger as well, and if this is how your face and stature has always been, then you can testify that you may not have been bullied physically, but emotionally, that’s another story.
Last night transported me to the dark times of elementary and high school. A time when I didn’t know how to say no. When people (probably my age but bigger in stature) said a lot of things to me and made me do things I didn’t want to. Because it was little Tessa, after all. She never says no, and she never fights back.
They were right. That’s how I was. And I usually had no one to fight for me but myself. And the only way I could get out of situations was by meandering my way through them, and manoeuvring myself out of situations than outright confronting, it let alone put a stop to it.
Do you know why I was transported to this dark time? Because my friend’s friends took me back there. With their words and actions. And do you know why I said it was a humbling experience? It’s because I nearly fell. No, I outright fell. Once again, I couldn’t say no. And if not for timely interventions at different points, I would have done their bidding.
So, while I sat down, watching others prepare for the dinner, with my outfit untouched beside me, I started crying and cussing myself. Not outwardly but mentally.
Silly Tessa.
Spineless Tessa.
Weak Tessa.
And you’re studying hard to be a lawyer, you’ve spoken at conferences, and daily people tell you how much they admire you because of how beautiful and smart you are, your confidence, and how you carry yourself. But they don’t know, do they? That you’re weak. Still the weak, bully-material of high school, even though so many years have passed.
These words in diverse variations kept playing in my head, and with each statement, my heart broke a little more. Oh, what little is needed to make the mighty fall? I stayed there and remained strong till the end when I finally got up to put on my pretty dress, and pretty heels, and head to the dinner. The only thing on my mind was what to do now I’ve realized that I’m still not above being bullied. With all my confidence and offline achievements, I’m still a small helpless prey in the eyes of predators.
Anyway, while I needed this humbling immensely, I still need and will welcome advice from people on this space. A line of action is forming in my head but while that happens, advice, thoughts, anything at all will suit me fine. I’m not sad anymore. I don’t think I ever was. I’m more mad at myself than anything, but even that will pass. To humbling!🥂
Images are mine.
